2009: A synopsis.

Alright, this is probably the last entry of the year because tomorrow I'll be shaking my booty on some unsuspecting young man in the club tomorrow.. Lets get right to it.. Wait.. lemme put on my damn glasses....

In 2009,

I realized that love just isn't enough. In the words of  Jazmine Sullivan "Just 'cause I love you, and you love me it doesn't mean that we'll ever be. "

Oh yea, I started this therapy session known as a blog.

I liteweight came to terms with my sexuality... which is against what I believe in because to me, sexuality is on a continuum. I love men. I love women. Confused? No. Greedy. Yes. LOL....

In doing so, I realized I live in a world that tells me that something as natural as breathing to me is wrong. At times laying next to, loving, kissing and holding a woman is my home. Will I do what the world wants me to do and be unhappy? Or be with who I love and still maybe be unhappy?

I fell in love with a very smart, beautiful, sexy woman who I can't say "No" to.

I realized that she's not that into me.

I learned many things about myself. Silence makes me very anxious. I love music and in 2010, I wanna start playing again. Probably taking my keyboard to school with me <33.. I also realized that if I'm not sexually attracted and liteweight infatuated with someone? I can't get with 'em... no matter how well they treat me.

In 2009, (just saying it again for emphasis)

I dated (and still am with) a white boy. I like him a lot. He's taking me to the Derby!

I realized what I can tolerate and what I can't. I'm learning to be more open with my feelings. Its hard. I still don't know how to say some stuff. But 2009 was the end of me being disrespected without consequences.

My locs turned a year old.. They're growing faster than ever. I freaking love 'em.

I had the worse hangover of my life. Resulting in me blowing chunks in Sonic's drive-thru... Resulting in me being very careful about my drinking habits. I've learned to get loose and not be hungover the next day. I don't enjoy those at all.

I neglected writing creatively .. and I'm paying the consequences. I can't get a poem out to save my life.

I lost 20 pounds.. I told yall I didn't wanna be a DD cup.. I wasn't playing.

I fell in love with Twitter...

Ok.. I'll end on a happy note.. this seems emo..

I can't believe I'm about to tell yall this...

In 2009, I had my first two 3somes. hehehehehehe...

Alright. I might video blog tomorrow on the way to the club with friends. I've always wanted to see myself drunk. I love yall... Keep reading in 2010, I promise, it'll be better!

Songs for the New Year:. "That was Then" Anthony Brown.. "Moving Forward" Hezzy Walker

-C

Padres and Ex's...

Hey yall.. What do yall think about the video blog? Writing's my first.. no.. second love.. so I ain't gonna stop doing that. Just thought you'd connect better if you heard my voice.

Anywho.. I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night with Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler ( from 300..) it was the best movie I've seen in a while. For one, Foxx is a TRUE double threat. Makes particularly good music (when he wants to..) and is a hell of an actor. I might fool around and buy it on DVD. I won't tell you about it, go see it!

While I was watching that movie, I got inspiration for a poem. I thought about how someone feels about themselves when their parents are together as husband as wife, versus when their parents are not. From first hand experience, it does something to how you look at yourself when the two people who made you don't exist together. My parents don't hate each other, but the LAST thing either of them wanna do is be together. They ain't said it out loud, but I know this. I just wonder how my life would be different, how I would be different if we were all in the same house hold.

It has really affected how I see things. My innocence was gone at an early age. I realized that everything wasn't going to be traditional and a perfect happy picture.. But I also realized that "traditional" didn't mean better. I met someone last night whose parents were still married, lived in a much bigger house than me.. and was STILL a fuck up. I come from a small single parent home.. and I'm doing ok, I think. I also learned that "traditional" isn't typical...

Anywho... remember I told yall about my psycho ex liteweight stalking me? Showed up at my grandmomma's house Christmas day. I HATE when I'm in a situation where I'm the only muhfucka that feels awkward and uncomfortable. She's so damn immature... and 6 years my senior. When I break up with you, or decide to stop talking to you.. I'm done... and thats it... plus, this bitch gotta girlfriend on the army base in japan she was stationed at... I WILL not be anyone's booty while they in America. I play women. I don't get played #kanyeshrug...

Ok ok.. I mean.. I USED to play women...  The point is.. like my boy says.. "Don't play a playa.. don't bull-shit a bullshitter..."

-sigh-... I'll be so happy when I'm safe back on my college campus where she can't find me.

Lessons of the day.. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they have anymore maturity than you do. This applies to multiple people in my life. 2, I'm not a big deal.

Song of the day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" Vivian Green.. EXACTLY how I feel...

-C

Don't read.. Watch!

Stalkers n Shit..

Hey yall.. this is some craaazzy shit...

I go up the street to Sonic after my nap right? I get home and park my car, and I get a text from my mom that said "_____ is here"... Said person is this girl I used to mess with a year and a half ago.. Went to the army, I was aware she was back in the states.. but for her to show up at my house? I mean, it wasn't a big deal because she's  a friend of the family. So it wasn't on no stalker shit to the rest of the fam in the house. Only my mother and I... The whole break up was kind ugly or something... Long story I don't wanna get into it.. But it just caught me off guard...

Anywho, I ain't come here to talk about that girl...

I'm sure I've told yall how forced the holidays make me feel... The real thing is.. I think about how Christmas used to be and how it is now.. My grandaddy passed away a couple of years ago... my great-grandmother before that. I miss them alot. We spent a lot of times during the holidays together since my "big nana" was from Mississippi.. Just hard now that I'm grown and they aren't here. I miss 'em everyday but the holidays are worse. Some of my best childhood memories are associated with them.. and I don't wanna talk about it to my fam, cause I don't wanna make everyone sad and stuff.

I'm cool tho.. no tears here....

Was talking to the twit fam about some 2009 memories... I might dedicate a whole entry to that before I get pissy... but lets see.. in the '09, I met a couple of people I know I won't be able to get rid of ;).... Finished half of my second-year of college which was a challenge for MANY reasons.... Got some grey hairs... Lost 20 pounds <-- very proud of that.. I wanna release at least 20 more in 2010... and I fell in love <3

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India.Arie

-C

Don't Force It.

Seasons Greetings and all that bull...

I'm watching Bad Girls club.. I've liteweight got into this shit.. I'm ashamed, but hey.. it's break. Natalie for real looks like Jay Leno... I'm so over reality TV tho... Ray J's show is hilarious. Danger's fucking psycho. Beautiful as hell... but not wrapped too tight AT ALL. I'd have a show like that 5 boys, 5 girls. I promise it'd take 2 episodes tops. Everyone would probably get eliminated first round. Especially the females.

Yall, I hate the holiday season.. Ok, hate's a strong word. I don't hate Christmas.. its just I hate the culture of it. Everyone's running around like headless chickens tryna get people gifts that they might not necessarily like. All this wiggity wack Christmas music is playing.. I feel so forced to be into something that I'm just not feeling. I'm not a kid anymore. All my kids are gone... I don't see the point.

Now I love New Years because of course, I can get shitty with my girls.. I plan on doing JUST that <3

Thanks to all the people who read and give me positive feedback and advice on my blog. I really appreciate it. A special shout-out to my girl "High Demand" when you gonna send me some poetry? We need to have a war of words!

Alrighty yall... Still debating on taking next semester off or not. My family's getting on my nerves so it looks like I'll be comin on back.... But idk.. there's other stuff I wanna do..

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill.. I LOVE this song. I might have an analysis of it on your desk in the morning ;)

-C

More Advice.

Hey people. Yall gave muy bueno advice yesterday... Shout-outs to my friend from middle school, said she reads my blog everyday. I didn't even know! Who else is reading?! 

Coming to America is on TV, this is my all time favorite movie. Its funny as hell but also a very good cultural movie. Yall know I be on my anthropology.. 

Anywho, since yall give good advice, I need some mo'.. dont get tired of me.. 

In a nutshell, there's this girl I was talking to and then we stopped talking. Period. Then... she comes back in to my life and I tell her that we can be FRIENDS with no pressure of romance. I'm simply just not interested in her in that way. Now, I knew a friendship wasn't going to work out.. cause she proved her low maturity level.. so of course she's been flirting and on this reminiscing shit... I feel disrespected that she'd still try to go there after I told her that I wanted no pressure.. Now, I'm not a mean kidd [haha...] so I don't say whats on my mind when she says shit.. but I def don't flirt back.... Its super frustrating... 

So.. should I tell her that she needs to chill? Not talk to her all together? Or just do nothing? I don't want to hurt anyone but not at the expense of my respect. Lemme know something, yall. 

Ok, I'm wayy to distracted, talking to madre, watching coming to america, reading proverbs 3... 

Song of the Day:. "Officially missing you" Tamia

One last thing... I've truly learned what unconditional love is.. in spite of her actions, I love HER. The person... and I'm fine with that. I asked God to make me stop loving her, He said, No. LoL... 

What is YOUR definition of Love?

-C 

The Kidd needs advice..

Hey yall... I need some advice. See, I'm not one to express my feelings, especially when someone hurt my feelings. I just... rather leave it alone... I'm non-confrontational. But I need to do better, cause I always wanna know when I hurt someone else.. thats the last thing I wanna do. Anywho...

I told yall about my whore-ass-stepdaddy getting married and not telling me or my little brother. Now, he has no obligation to me even though he did marry my mother and HAS been in my life since I was 2. My brother is his son and thats my issue. Why do men do that shit? I don't have children yet.. but I can't imagine making a life change and not telling them.. Hell, I liteweight cussed at the ex wife for not telling me something that was wayy less important than getting married... [love u! lol]

Anywho.. the issue is.. He keeps sending me these corny ass forwards so I'll respond and ask him about his marriage. The thing is, I'm not on it. He has LOTS of nerve TEXTING me some lame ass love forward when we have BIDNESS that we haven't attended to. He's the adult in the situation and needs to come to somebody and let them know whats really going on. The ink isn't dry on him and my mother's divorce papers, he has 8 kids besides me and is married and I can't get a fone call?

So what I'm asking is... Should I be the one to start the conversation? Or should he? I don't like to be disrespected and I def don't take to kindly to my little brother being disrespected. Should I put my pride aside and be like 'hey mofo, what the hell.." or should I just leave it alone and keep my blood pressure down? [Its at an all time low, yall!]

Yall know what to do.... Tweet or Text it since yall won't comment. UGH

Watching the Cleveland Show. I have a feeling the baby will be just like my son.

Song of the Day:. "Bettah" Jonathan Nelson
[click on the title to listen to it.. ]

-C

Contemplative.

Hey yall, realized I hadn't blogged in awhile for me... Just gonna share my thoughts..

I might take this spring semester off. I haven't decided yet.. I just wanna perform to my full potential, a nigga didn't do horrible this semester, but there are some factors to why I didn't do as well as I could and I might need to take time off to cater to it. Feel me? I'm praying and asking God to do whatever it is in His will for me. I kinda wanna join the peace corps...

Did I mention I hate driving? I don't bring my car on campus, but of course I'm home for the holiday and my fam has me driving all over this town. I hate it. Especially this time of year, people don't know how to act right. Will the world end if you don't get ya gifts to people? Negative. The craze is unmotivated and simply done because.. well, everyone's doing it.

Isn't it white-santa's job anyway?!

I'm watching these woman cops on TLC. Mrs. Officer indeed! I love women who can run with the boys...

Alrighty, enjoying my break.. contemplating about what my next move will be.... i'm getting my degree, regardless. The pursuit of it just might need a break... Not sure, yall know my girlfriends and boyfriends on campus will be mad at me... ugh.

Song of the Day:. "Peace of Mind" Lauryn Hill

-C

You comin for MY sexuality?!

Whats up yall? Finally finished with the semster. I hope my finals aren't as stretched out next semester. I was so done. So burnt out.. I'm sure you could tell.

So, I chilled with my brother "social-justice" and the girl yesterday. We watched World's Strictest Parents. I love that show. It was also very refreshing to talk to people who had brains.. Like I love chillin' with people... but the conversation is always some shit I'm not interested in, especially when its people my age.... but last night was cool, we talked about something very important to me. Sexuality...

Bro and I both agreed that we HATE when people come for our sexuality. See, we're both what you would consider 'bisexual'... and people stay coming for my sexuality! Meaning, I've heard "You have issues with your sexuality..." or "You're confused" And its always a bitter, unhappy closeted muhfucka. I think thats what makes me so upset.. That they coming for me because THEY have the issue with my sexuality.. because I'm comfortable in who I am... and they gay ass isn't. Its like... You a dude that stays on your knees and you 'straight' or you a chick that STAY knee deep in some pussy and you hetero?

The thing is, I never really retaliate when someone tells me I have an issue with my sexuality or some dumb shit like I need to choose. Maybe thats where all this passion is coming from. I just think the fact that you talking about something so personal to me makes it look like you're avoiding your own issues. I don't look at your sexuality unless you give it to me to analyze.. meaning, you tryna hit this... and even then I might not look if its just sex....

Honestly, I don't ever analyze nobody else's shit like that. I KNOW I have my own problems, and Carrie's always the priority. (Oh gosh, I keep using my government)... Not many things offend me, but if you wanna offend a nigga quick? Come for my sexuality. I hate that shit.

Anywho, going home today.... No reason to stay here I suppose... Don't really wanna hit home either... Its whatev. I guess..

I gotta pack and shit.. Ugh. and I'm so sleepy cause I def didn't sleep till 5am.

Song of the Day:. "Lets Rock" Chrisette Michelle. I LIVE for her facials! YES!

-C


CAN I LIVE?!

TI-RED!

Hey yall, I'm all the way burnt out. I'm not even leaning to the left like I do when I'm tired, I'm leaning to the RIGHT!

One more final to go. It's Western Music.. I'm sure I've already expressed my disdain for music with no drums.... So I'll keep it moving.. Its not even midnight and I feel like shit. I usually get a second wind around 1am, but I doubt I'll be up long enough for that to happen.

I just stared at the blog screen for 10 minutes sighing... Thats how tired I am... This won't be a long one folks...

I enjoy hanging out with the male species. They don't take ANYTHING personal which works because I never mean anything as a personal attack. Women take EVERYTHING I say and do personal, which is fine. Was just refreshing when I hung out with the boys tonight.... I could just be me and not have my "woman-guard" up.

I haven't ate this whole day. I'm so nauseated. I don't want to eat... and I NEVER lose my appetite. Its just because I'm super stressed, super tired of this fluid on my fucking ear and kinda down about things. A nigga's ok.. just reflective I suppose. Good days and bad... At least I have days to reflect.

As I get older, I learn what love is. I learn how to love. Love is when you don't fucking know WHY you love this mofo, but you do. I'd go get the moon for her, on foot... and I don't even like her. Weird.. but I'm fine with that. Hope she takes advantage..

Alrighty yall, watching Monique.... Jennifer Lewis is on there. I LOVE HER!

Song of the Day:. "India'Song" India.Arie.. you ever get reaquantied with a song and fall in love with it all over again? I did on the way back from my final today. Good stuff.

-Carrie

(I know, I'm tired, I'm using my government!)

Seeking

Whats up, yall?! I'm still on a high from today's services. This morning pastor preached about the "Seeker"... What I took away from the service was the famous scripture... Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of Heaven and all its Righteousness and EVERYTHING else will be added. (Matthew 6:33). Its so true, yall. I've been seeking fufillment in a lot of empty stuff. I just needed to be reminded who has all of what I need in His hands. Message!

Then, went to the church's Christmas concert with Jonathan Nelson. It was epic! The choir's sound was GREAT. Some beautiful songs were sung.. they really spoke to me... One especially said "It already looks better!"

So, i'm watching the Jackson special. Capitalizing off your brother's death? Not Cute. The Jackson 5 without Michael? #EpicFail..

Anywho, just wanted to share some thoughts. Talking to my guru about my love life and hers. Well, mostly hers cause mine is non-existent.. Did go with a guy I like to the concert tonight. I mean, it was church so it wasn't a date. But he flatters me so well. I told him I already had a big ego and not to do that. LOL

I gotta again say thank you to everyone who reads and shows me love. I've been getting a lot lately. I don't think this blog's a big deal. I just love writing and it helps. Shout-outs to a very special reader "Nhamo".. Girl, if I wasn't on this no woman diet? I'd get you all the way pregnant! Pow! LOL

Song of the Day:. "Chasing After You" aka the Morning Song by Tye Tribbett

-C

Spanish and shit..

Hey yall... Currently listening to "Darling Nikki" by Prince. I fucking love him. I like a man that screams a little.

I'm going ham! on this Spanish. I have this final tomorrow morning at 8am ALL the way accross campus. I hope I do well, I always do well on finals for some reason. I can speak spanish, writing and spelling? Not so much. I'mma pick it up as a minor tho. Its a marketable skill. Anything to make me more mulah baby...

Anywho, I apologize for the last entry, but I'm sure you feel me. I was angry and the rant helped me. Cause I was really about to go off. I'm trying to do better, yall. A nigga has anger issues so this is where I come to let 'em out. Writing provides a release.

I can't wait till the break. Just wanna spend time with my mommy and the rest of my family. I know I'mma miss my friends tho.... But they blow a nigga up so.. I'm sure I'll be tired of ERRYBODY by the time 2010 rolls around..

Aiight yall, thats all I had to say.. but click on the title of this entry and it'll take you to a beautiful poem. My friend hipped me to this poet. His words are beautiful. Captures how I feel sometimes. Read and enjoy! Oh.. Its called "I Can Write the Saddest Lines" by Pablo Nuerda.

Song of the Day:. "Kink Push" Lupe Fiasco

-C

Disrespect.

Alright, its quickly nearing 3am why the FUCK am I up?? My roommate and company woke me up first coming in all loud. That shit is so fucking rude. When she's sleep and I come in? I'm as quiet as can be you know, cause I know how I feel when someone comes into my peaceful sleep and fucks it up! But the story gets better!! She starts FUCKING! And I don't mean we-tryna-sneak-and-fuck-cause-your-roomate's-in-here-fucking... I mean... LOUD fucking like yall husband and wife and this is yall's house for real! I mean nasty fucking sounds, and they knew I was awake!

Yall, i just don't see how people can do it. I've been fucking and someone walked in... or I've made out with someone else in the room.. but for me to start fucking knowing someone's across the room and may or may not be trying to go to sleep? Disrespectful. Not only to the person, but to my partner as well. Sex to me is a very intimate act and even when I had that one-night stand? (dont judge me.. lol) I respected her enough not to fuck her while my roommate was in the room..

AND then, the nigga just left? I mean, you gon fuck me and not sleep with me? (he lives right across the hall) I'm so not able. I don't know why women enjoy disrespect so much, hell.. maybe they don't recognize it?

Sometimes I think I should just lower my standards and be disrespected by a man or disrespect a woman for the sake of not being lonely? But it ain't worth it....  I try to be disrespectful ladies, I really do... but I just can't.. and men.... I love the dick but I can't take the disrespect that comes with it. Yall easier to manipulate tho, so... right now, yall winning the race...

Not that I'm involved right now..

A very interesting insightful perspective comes when you're non-romantic. This diet is interesting, my eyes are opening. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" -Vivian Green

-C

Cultural Anthropology.

Hey yall, this wind is no joke.... I almost had to hold on to a pole when I was waiting to cross the street today. LOL

Anywho, this semesters coming to an end, classes are over but I still got a lotta work to do. Well, not a lot.. just shit I don't wanna do. Got my music book open now... I don't like it cause makes it seem like white people invented music. Where the hell yal think yall got a drum from? France?.. No, Africa, nigga. You ain't foolin' me.

Went to a house party Monday night. I had wayy too much fun. I might just become a cultural anthropologist (not) because people are so fun to watch. Alcohol makes everyone nicer. Yes, I'm that guy that professes my love when I've had a few... I danced with menz I wouldn't look at twice if sober. But hey, it was a stress reliever. Even though I'm on a no-woman diet, there's a girl.. well woman that was there that i'd totally try to get at.... "Reached for a hand shake gotta hug..." and was too excited. I got the tea on her and its a go... IF I wanted to.. Don't think I am..... should I? NNNAAWWW...

(Hypothetical) Question... Why do women do/say stuff in order to get a reaction? Dunno if this happens to you, but it happens to me. Now, if you know me... you know that I'm pretty laid back and even if I have a reaction in my head, it might not necessairly manifest its self. I don't want you to know that I'm spending that if any energy on you. People already think they too important to me anyway. I could take you or leave you. Promise. It just irks me because I feel like I'm being disrespected on purpose for a reaction... and my reactions aren't subtle... Like, I will smack a bitch and not lose any sleep or cuss you out in front of your momma... and then I'm wrong, right?

Speaking of... for the rest of 2009, i'm letting all fuckery slide.. but when 2010 comes around? I'm coming for you. My pimp hand needs a work out.

Aw, I gotta tell yall aobut a funny drunk-conversation I had with my brother "social-justice"... Evidently, I have a fetish for small men, men who are bald, men who wear bowties, and I like funny looking women... Facts about me you should take advantage of....

Aiight, I'm finishin' this chapter then continuing my lazy-ness... I'm so over this semester.

Last Thots:. People are Fake. White people in general are painfully unaware. This girl sitting accross from me is fyyyyyyyy... she keeps looking over here... and I'mma..... oh wait.. no-woman diet. right.

Song of the Day:. "Zion" Lauryn Hill

-C

Priority? Option?

Hey yall... now, there are people you just don't expect to hear wisdom from... But I got some via a damn facebook status... it says...

"Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option...."

I had to give it two snaps.. and  I never snap for stuff, yall.. LOL

Anywho, heard a good Word at the church-house. Every time I go I'm reminded of who I am and why I'm here. I always get some type of healing and wisdom when I go. It just goes to show how vast His glory is. Every time I go I get something? And I know there's more? Touch your neighbor and say. "Wow!"

Listening to some slow jams yall, I hung with my cousin all day today. You don't chose ya family.. lol... but you do chose your friends.. And mi primo? Is one of my best friends. Shout-Outs to him for feeding me and letting me do laundry at his crib...

I'm truly thankful for the new friend I've made. We both have a mutual love for writing and the Spanish language. Last night I talked to her so freely about some things I haven't been able to get off my chest and vice versa. I really appreciate when someone just LISTENS ya know? She told me I was complicated... I told her I was simple. LOL. She's a real genuine person. Matta fact, wonder what she doin...

Anywho, I ain't got too much to talk about, just came to write some thoughts and clear my head before round 3 of studying that may or may not happen. Got an Anthropology, History, and Spanish exam to Go HAM! on tomorrow.... try me if you want, be prepared for an #EPICFAIL!

Alright yall, talkin to a cute boy...

Song of the Day:. "I Wanna Know" Joe.. "I wish that I could take a journey to your mind... and find emotions that you always try to hide..."

-C

#ThugLife

I don't do it much, last night I lived the college life. LOL

Went to what the call The Black Women's Appreciation Dinner on the yard last night. The brothas did a GREAT job, I can't wait till its our turn. I danced with a real nice guy and of course my embarassing ass friends took pictures...

Now, of course last night I was dressed up, and everyone was so surprised. I'm like, dag? Do I be looking like a thug on campus for real.. and did yall expect me to come thuggin' last night to a dinner? Puh-lease, I do everything in life HARD. I thug HARD and I dress up HARD.

"Look at this pea coat, tell me she broke..."

Oh yea... yall I walked straight into a trap earlier. It was kinda funny. This girl text me and was like "what you doing tonight?" why'd my dumbass say "nothin.." then she was like "you should chill with me..." my ass try to backtrack and say "Uhh.. i gotta lotta studying to do.." which isn't totally untrue.. I just can't have custody of THAT anymore.

So, none of my teams won today.... UK, E. Carolina and in a minute, Alabama gonna win... Ugh. LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'll Trust You" James Fortune. <-- just discovered it today.. beautiful song.

-C

The Real Thing.

So, I usually don't blog mid-day. But I got shit to do and this is the only free hour I have till prolly around 11pm tonight. Well naw, me and "Slim" havin movie night at the crib... So hopefully I won't be free at all. LOL

Yall, I miss the real thing.

We live in a world of myspace, facebook, twitter, text messaging, blogging... Which are all things I'm an avid user of.. (Accept myspace) but I feel like I'm missing someone's VOICE. I mean, I don't talk to some of my best friends face to face AT ALL. I'm a visual person... and non-verbal communication is something thats very important to me. I miss it when all I get is a text, an e-mail or a fbook message. I think they might just be handicapping us.. Its VERY hard for me to express my feelings when I'm face to face with someone. Rather easy if I'm sending an e-mail. But I feel like I'm punking out when I do that.. and vice versa. I wanna hear ya voice.

I was talking to my friend last night on the fone about this. Her and I be tweetin' each other HARD. Finally hearing her voice on the fone? Was very refreshing. She was feelin' where I was coming from. She said we're both just getting older. I ain't wanna hear that shit.. LOL. But its true. I'll always be a big texter and I'm havin' a love affair with twitter... but I'mma make an effort to talk atleast on the phone more and face to face with my friends and frenemies. I mean, people have NO conversation skills these days. I try to spark up a conversation and people lightweight have an anxiety attack on that ass... and I think I am pretty quiet when I'm just chillin' with my friends.. cause I just like watching and listening to people's conversations.. so maybe thats why... ?

Alright, I got a study session and what not to go to. But first... FOOD.

Song of the Day:. "Holy Ghost Power" Chicago Mass Choir.... That REAL gospel.

-C

Proper Perspective

Whats up yall? I had a blast on my birthday. I'm so very blessed to have friends that made it a mission to make sure I was happy and having fun. They took me to a Mexican restraunt down the street then some sexi hombres sang feliz de cumpleanos to me! After that I drank mass amounts of bull frogs and did some other illegal activities. Good times with good people, my homie "social-justice" came through after work.. I really appreciated it. This was the best birthday I've had in yearsss and I'm not done celebratin'! Just gotta wait till finals is over and shit... I even got kissed by this girl that I been crushin' on... TWICE! Yea, I broke my no woman, no alcohol, no weed diet last night. It was my birthday, fuck yall. I'm back on it.

So, I'm really tryna stay on my grind for my finals and shit... I got like 4 places to be at once tomorrow. I'm kinda stressed, and I can tell cause my body is sore, my nerves are jumping again and my cough is coming back..... I be so glad when this semster is over. If my locs wasn't so cock-disel.. lol, they'd be pulled straight the fuck OUT!

My ex from a couple of semesters ago wished me a happy birthday. Her and I haven't talked in a year... and I like it that way..  She been textin' our mutual friend sayin' she thinks about me and stuff. I'm flattered but so not interested. She's drama and I ain't on it. I can tell I'm over her, cause I don't even dislike her.. I just have no feelings at all. Its weird.

I hate to feel that way about people but.... Idk it just happens... I can't control it, when I'm done, I'm done... and I don't want it to be that way.. but its like my body is like "Ok... expiration date is up on ya feelings for this person.. lets move on.." I guess thats fine.. Just gotta make room, I suppose...

Anywho, you ever feel a certain way and logic (and other people) tell you that you have no right to feel that way? My mother says there are no wrong emotions, but its still a battle.... and I know my feelings are important but I don't cater to them enough. I'm trying to do better, for example, I know that I have to tell people when they say stuff that makes me uncomfortable but I just feel like if its based on feelings, its not valid or important or something... I wanna tell people how I feel, I think... but I don't want to look weak.. and thats exactly how I think I look when I start talking about my feelings...

The last girl I dated (that jumped stupid last week) would get so frustrated with me. She was mad because I wouldn't just tell her my feelings, she had to ask. I tell people, I don't volunteer information about myself, and maybe thats not fair... but I cant wear my heart on my sleeve. I wanna appear strong, hell I AM strong. I wanna be the therapist like I been doin, but right now I feel like maybe I need to sit on somebody's brown couch.... how much yall charge? I got insurance! LOL

I'm fine tho. I'm happy. I recognize that its all just a learning experience... and I thank Yaweh for a Devine Proper Perspective.... I'm in a lil pain about stuff and I don't know exactly how to deal with it. This may sound weird but I'm embracing the pain.. it helps to be able to identify the feeling and the reason.. then you can look at it, ya know..?

 I've learned that time heals everything. Literally 8 days ago I was sittin in a parking lot crying my eyes out listening to Anthony Hamilton ("The Point of it All), now that same song comes on? And I'm fine...  maybe healing just takes a little longer the older you get. OMG, I'm 20!

Song of the Day:. "Harvest Song" Anthony Brown

-C

Go shawty.. Its my berfday!

Go Shawty.. its my berfday!

I've been here for 20 years, 23039 Months, 100182 Weeks, and 701279 days!

Yall, all this birthday love has me feelin' tender. The little one sang Happy Birthday to me last night. Then she told me she loved me. When them little arms wrapped around my neck? I almost started crying... LOL. Yall know Carrie loves the kids..

I guess I'm supposed to reflect on my life and what not... One Thursday in 1989, I came out of my mommy... lol... I'm told I already had a full head of hair, and that I slept through the nite.. What baby does that?! I was a child that liked to read... Embarassing. I LOVED the Rugrats...

I might do a biography tomorrow. I'm tryna figure out where the psycho came in. LOL... This has been the best birthday I've had in years, yo! Ok, I apologize but I'm a little intoxicated and I'm waiting on my 'lunch' to get here. Its only 8:30 and I've ate tacos and pizza today. So I need to go slow cause I shall blow chunks and I don't want a repeat of last time.... My hangover was all over Sonic's Drive thru..

Ok.. so my friends are mad cause I'm ignoring them. Hey... I like writing more than I like them. So what. LOL

Song of the Day: "Birthday Anthem"

-C

20. From a proper perspective.

Hey Hey...

Yall watch the Soul Train Awards last night? It was good, something about Toni kissing Trey made me uncomfortable. My momma said somebody need to report her. LOL... Chaka's tribute was TRUTH. I hope its on youtube. I been listenin to her and Charlie Wilson all day... Anywho, friends. I feel like I need some new music in my life. I'll kiss anyone who hips me to a new artist, or song or SOMETHING. All new music CAN'T be bull?! Hook me up!

This college life is fun. No doubt about it. But when I wanna come home to some peace and quiet and have a glass of wine? I can't.. cause these kids won't shut the FUCK up. They throw footballs in the hall, golf, ride bikes.. yall. I'm not exaggerating. I can't do it. I'm working my ass off this summer. If I can't get a place off campus, I'm getting my own room.. #BeleeeeDat!

I'm entering my last hours of teenagerdom. I can't say I'm sad to see the teenage years go. Worst years of my life... it was the end of my innocence... beginning of a whole lotta confusion and bullshit.. BUT it made me much older in my mind and my actions. I just read that... sounded like I hated my teenage years.. It was really just 13-14. I wouldn't change none of it. I've had fun, done stuff and been places that people twice my age haven't. I'm blessed. Can't wait to see what being twenty brings. I'll be a 20 year old black woman with no kids.... wow! LOL

I'm on a mission this week yall, I want my friend back. If you ain't listening, tune in now... Sometimes there are things in life that we have to do for ourselves that will hurt other people. Its just life. Life is unfair. What someone had to do hurt me, and what I had to do hurt some1 else. What goes around comes around. So we gonna sit around and cry about it? Yep. LOL. But eventually we gotta move on and look at things from a proper perspective. I love me some her, and this bull ain't worth losing one of my best friends over... (still gonna put you in a nursing home tho... ha!)

Yall, I got mad fluid on my ear, starting to believe its an infection, I feel like the whole half of my face is clogged up. Throwing my equilibrium wayy off. How do I get it off? Someone said peroxide... o_O Idk about that...

Ok, I have books to read, papers to write, women to undress... you know shit like that. Peace & Respect, yall. Thank you soooo much for reading. Its a big deal for me.

Song of the Day:. "Bless the Lord" (Son of Man)- Tye Tribbett <-- listen to this yall!!! I go all the way INN!

-C

Music

Hey Hey..

I just got back to campus yall.. My damn toilet is stopped up, and my computer was on.. Meaning somebody done been in here that ain't supposed to be! Not cool with me. Writing to calm down cause I'm kinda pissed.

Listenin' to my hip-hop playlist. I've said it before... but Biggie's song "Juicy"? I identify with it soooo well... and I don't really even know why. lol... I mean, I haven't lived in the hood or nothin'... But I guess since I've been to college.. or somethin.. people kinda treat me different... "Girls used to diss me, now they write letters cause they miss me!"

Luda's on now. He nasty, but he's a good rapper and I be feelin' him to. I listen to that song "Move" when I'm angry or tryna get motivation. They song "Area Codes"? I used to listen to it all the time back in the day. I like to travel, and I did have 'friends' everywhere. And Whats Your Fantasy? Yes, nasty and a lil ignant... but his skills are sooo aparent in this song!

Now, I don't say much about Wanye because he's turned into a phenomena and he aint cute enough to be.. But he can rap his little ass off....  I think people like him just because its the popular thing to do... But when he said "I got summer hatin' on me cause I'm hotter than the sun, got spring hatin on me cause I ain't never sprung, winter hatin on me cause I'm colder than yall.. and I will never, I will never.. I will never fall.." MANN.... As my homie would say, I went IN!

So yea, as you can see, I love music. I can talk about it all day. People say bad stuff about hip-hop... and I agree that it does exploit women but I think we blaming the wrong people.... Men will hold themselves to whatever standard a woman sets. Pussy Control. Use it. Its not ok for Nelly to run a credit-card down your ass, not ok for you to put your ass on somebody's dick in front of my kids on TV... quit doing it.. Men will jump over a mountain for the love of a woman, we need to stop making it so damn easy.

But this shit been happenin' BEFORE hip-hop. I mean, men did used to hit women over the head and carry them to caves...

I digress...

So, I've just realized that I have a lot of studying to do. I took my books home, every one of them... Didn't touch not one. LOL... I'm feeling overwhelmed.. for whatever reason I can't learn in a lecture setting.... So I have to TEACH myself the stuff... THEN study.. but I procrastinate.. so I never get to the study phase.. I need to change my ways...

Ugh... feel like I won't get to enjoy my born-day.

Well(p) There are two very pretty women on my bed... Why am I blogging?

Song:. "Doo Wop (That Thing)" Lauryn Hill...

-C

Scrabble Slam...

Hey yall...

I realize I been bad-mouthing monogamy for a minute. Monogamy is right. It just aint natural. I love it. My grandparents have been together for 56 years. They're my heros!

Currently spending time with my family. Brother and Mommy.. we was playing Scrabble Slam or something of the like... You can't play games with niggas, they like to make up words. LOL. Now we looking at pictures of ourselves throughout the years. I was a cute ass kid. I have a big ass head. Still do. Thats alright tho, I get good brain ;)

Hung out with my ex boyfriend today. Don't tell his girlfriend ;) Scandalous!

My whore-ass step-daddy got married today. Didn't even tell us. His brother told my grandaddy who told my grandmomma who told my aunt, who told my mom, who told me. Bitchassmuhfucka... This the second time a man in my life got married and didnt tell me. My biological father did this shit to. Told EVERYONE but his kids. I wouldn't marry a man who didn't tell his kids about me.. just sayin. Both the wives know about us, well.. me at least. Thats some ole bullshit.... They a couple of cowards. I dont want neither one of 'em within 10 feet of my mom, I give less than 2 fucks if they get married again... just be respectful.

Watching world's scritest parents... I'd clothesline my kids.

Wellp, gonna write about music when I get back to campus tomorrow.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" L-Boogie!

-C

Diet..

Things are better, I feel better.

The whore who jumped stupid texted me today not wanting to end on 'bad terms'... I didn't respond. If it takes all this effort for you to be in my life, thats an indication you don't need to be. She told me to delete her number, deleted me off her facebook and said she deleted my number. I'm acting accordingly.

Watching Spongebob, hilarious.

Yall, my momma done got me hooked on this TLC show, "Say Yes to the Dress". I can't see myself dropping a stack on my wedding dress. I was upset about my $70 prom dress, yall... and the brides to be, bring too many people with them. IF I get married, I'm going wedding dress shopping alone.

People crazy. Spendin' all this money on a wedding, then all this money on a divorce a couple of years later.... SOMEBODY gonna hear me when I say monogamy ain't natural. We wouldnt have a 50% divorce rate.. and 90% of the time cause somebody is cheating... SMDH. I just dont get why people commit and dont want to operate like they are?

Ok so here's the deal yall. I'm going on a diet.. from romance. LOL.. I wont be open to getting with anyone until 2011. Also, seriously considering giving up having relationships with females. It seems like the 'lifestyle' is too hard and frankly bitches ain't worth it. Really hit me the other day when my younger brother said that nature hates gays the other day. I dont want to seem like I'm giving up, and I'll ALWAYS fight for gay (and other) rights.. but as for me? I'm just not feeling it... Plus, I don't hate men, and I need someone around to lift shit and kill bugs... you know, shit like that. lol..

Laydees, I dont hate yall... I still love pheremones.. But I love ciggarettes too. I dont want lung cancer tho, you understand... ;)

I aint given up uhh ya know.. sex or nothin.. LOL... I mean, I wanna 'date' but any1 I 'date' will only be a part of my life on the weekends... And the thing is, I don't see that happening cause people wanna be around 7 days a week which is understandable... but it wont work for me... I'm tryna get a degree and change the world... Relationships, Love and things of the like? Only get in my way...

I realize I've been talking alot about myself lately.. but ya know, I'm just trying to work out what I want and need... Writing helps me. I'll have more topics soon... Who the hell wants to hear about me and my problems? -SNORE-

Shout outs to my friend who checked out my poetry yesterday. Good feed back. Dont be crying off my shit tho, nigga. Man-up! LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'm Cool" -Anthony Hamilton feat. David Banner

-C

She knows exactly where it hurts...

Aye yall, sorry for all these emo blogs lately, a nigga just been feeling that way. Usually happens around the holidays if I'm all the way honest, I always feel forced to 'like' people during Thanksgiving and Christmas.. and I don't. The holidays are soooo superficial. I don't enjoy them at all.

Yall, my cuzzo and I drove by toys r us at midnight on the way home... the line was literally 'round a mile long. I wish I WOULD stand in line for some bad ass kids.... We're in a recession, and shit like this is exactly why...

Well(p), I ain't gonna keep you long... I have mad fluid on my ears... but I do have to say this...

There's a song by Lyfe Jennings called "Must Be Nice" and there's a line that says "Must be nice, havin' someone you don't have to show, they know exactly where it hurts..." Now, I always thought of romance when I heard this song, but it applies to a very important friendship of mine. I don't use governments so I have to use her nickname "Olga"... LOL.. She's so gonna shoot me when she reads this. Her and I have been close since we were 'round 11 years old... and its funny because we've lived apart longer than we lived together. I KNOW that her friendship is God-given. She's supposed to be in my life. I was feelin' down yesterday and sent her a text and asked her to pray for me, and for some reason.. She named off all my feelings and we had a really good talk.. and I dont even know if she knew the whole situation... but she knew exactly how I was feeling.. and it helped... I'm just tryna make sure I appreciate the good stuff even when things are kinda bad like they are now.

I'm thankful for the sad times, they make the happy times THE SHIT.

My birthday is in 5 days, folks. I don't plan on being alone or sober, plan accordingly ;)

Song of the Day:. "Must Be Nice"

-C

In love with an illusion...

Aye yall.. Hope this Thanksgiving finds you feeling better than I am. It was a dark day for me.. But sometimes life is dark and sad.. and feelings don't take a break for the Holiday. Just wrote a poem... I'm not done. Would appreciate some feedback. If you read this poem and find yourself feeling guilty or bitter? Its about more than one person and the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass... Don't waste your time contacting me, my art isn't up for discussion, its up for appreciating and identifying with. Pow!

In love with an illusion...

The Woman I fell in love with
never really exsisted...
You can only fake so long...
And when my blinders
came off and your true
colors materialized..
My heart was still attached
to the illusion in you.
The illusion that loved me so good
I didn't want no mo' but craved it.
The illusion that could slow down
my heartbeat with just your hand
on my cheek....
The illusion that brought out the
man in me, made me wanna get
my sperm to ya egg ASAP.
An illusion that made me the
sweetest woman, wanting to throw
my leg over you and lay on your chest..
An illusion I see in my dreams
But not in my reality
How can I be in mourning
for something that never came to be...

 -------

And.. thats it....

Song:. "Been Awhile" Staind

-C

On my team? Naw..

Word to the wise...

If there are at least 2 people mad at you? You're doing something right.. God bless anyone who gets on my bad side... Yall, I had to drop a player from the team last night. My girls convinced me to go see New Moon last night. Now, I've attempted to get into the Twilight craze... but its a mediocre book with bad grammar and what kind of vampires don't bite white girls' neck? I ain't wanna see it... but remember how we talked about my weakness for girls and their smiles? yea.. that came into play last night.

Anywho, Even though I have no respect for her, I have respect for myself and I won't put ALL my business out there.. I gotta have something to myself, you understand. But this is EXACTLY why a nigga is NOT monogamous.. She was jumping stupid at me like she was my woman and I owed her anything. Fuck that. I never once told her that she had a chance to be my star player and she still treated me like she thought she did. Damn! I know I'm ranting.. but she's mad at me, playing victim, making me look like the bad guy when all I was doing was being myself.

CAN I LIVE?!

So yea.. back to New Moon.. that Taylor boy? LAWDAMERCY... he kinda funny looking.. But I've learned that I kinda like that. He's body is bannnging. He's def on my Christmas list and he needs to turn 18.. so I can have his little wolf babies. *Fanning myself*

Well yea.. It's Thanksgiving. What am I most thankful for this year? I'm thankful for the confidence to be me. Like Wade from Noah's Arc said who I am is someone 'a whole buncha ignorant muthafuckas gotta problem with'. Lots of things have happened to me that should make me want to change myself, but I like me... and thats God-given, yall. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Goodbye" Jagged Edge.

-C

I'm thankful for..

Her.

Love her, don't even like her. Hurts that she won't talk to me, but its necessary. I'm trying my damnedest to understand. Don't wanna be mad... but after a gallon of tears? Its Hard. I ain't mad. I'm not bitter. Its my problem. Ugh.... I miss her smile... I dream about her and swear I can smell her till I wake up. Doesn't make me sad... I don't think.. just frustrating... Other morning I woke up and felt like Will Smith in iRobot.. know how he woke up from dreaming about the robots and hit the gun with his head and said 'get outta there'... I did that same thing. (Not with my gun tho.. LOL). Wanna send her a text that simply says "I love you and I miss you..." but in the words of Wayne? "I'm richer than all yall, I gotta bank fulla pride" Why do I feel so damn poor? Worst part about all this.. she doesn't feel the same way... 

"Last Night I saw you in my dreams.... Now I can't wait to go to sleep..."

-C

Why I'm not monogamous....

"Maybe I'm just like my father.. too bold.. Maybe I'm just like my mother.. she's never satisfied"

Clearly, this song came out when I was a child for real... but even then I could identify with it. Now, this is the type of song that can mean different shit for different people. For me it means that by some standards, I'm an asshole but it's really just normalcy for me. My friend tells me that I'm 'so extra' and I keep telling her I'm just being myself...

Anywho... I had an interesting conversation with my mother today. She said something along the lines of.. "Date everyone who asks you, but don't have sex..." Cause I was telling her about the guy I been dating, and then this guy I have a BIG crush on told my cousin he was in love with me last night (more on that later) and she basically told me to date him and the other guy too... I told her that I was also dating girls.. and surprisingly she ain't really have a problem with it... she wasn't surprised either..

I think my problem is 'society' (bitches) wants me to fall in love and be monogamous (with my time and energy) and I just can't do it. I want a couple of people to date, and if I'm completely honest, one or two to have sex with as well... for workout (orgasm) purposes only.. lol.

I don't like monogamy because I don't like to be questioned... don't ask me who's calling/texting my fone... when I want space, I don't want to have to justify that... I don't want to be known as "so-and-sos girlfriend" and I don't want you to be known as mine either.. I don't like to be associated with anyone... (ask my people I go to school with who I hang out with? They have no idea, I'm always on the yard alone.. )

I don't like monogamy, because I got played.. and I NEVER want to feel that way again. Thats the REAL reason that anyone doesn't like monogamy. Tell me otherwise and I'll show you a liar ;)

Safe Sex kids, don't give me a heart attack..

Now, the first guy I'm dating is great. He knows I date other people, I know he dates other people.. Hell, we've even all gone out together. Its so natural to me to have 2 or 10 girlfriends and boyfriends. Is that a crime? Ya know, its biological, primates are NOT naturally monogamous creatures. Apes be hittin 2 or 3 on the regular and it works out well for them socially. Read a book.

Laydees, yall know I love you.... and I try not to sell yall any pipe dreams... but why do yall still wanna fall in love with me? I have NEVER been able to casually date a woman. There's always a slew of double standards. Women get mad when I'm not jealous of whoever else they dealing with. I mean... if we're in a committed deal, its a different story.. but if you're not my girlfriend? You're not my girlfriend. I dunno how else to say it. Females I deal with stay jealous... AFTER I've told them that I don't have 'girlfriends' and there's a 90% chance I'm dating someone else. If you don't like that situation, why even get into it? i'm telling you up front because I want to give you a chance to say "Ok, that ain't me.." which is FINE. But don't waste my time..

I like romance, I like affection but I don't like commitment. There's a 90% chance that you ain't the one and I'm just trying to have a good time. I've only thought that one person was 'the one' and she won't even talk to me now... So this ain't unmotivated.

I went to see Precious last night. Monique's performance was GREAT. I shed 2 tears off that, yall. The movie lacked plot and did not leave you happy afterwards... but hey.. went to see it with good people, this is when ole dude told my older, male, psycho cousin that he was in love with me.. I think I had one of those "oh shit" moments in my head... My cousin just nodded and said "She IS love-able.." I was VERY surprised. LOL

Well(p), time fo me to do some more packing. Going home tomorrow to do some cooking, yall ain't ready for my skills! Pow!

Song of the Day:. "The Point of It All" Anthony Hamilton.

-The Kidd!

Tender!

Whats up yall? A nigga been feelin' real tender lately. My boy asked me if I was pregnant... lol. Maybe its the holiday season or the new perspective, whatever it is I just wan be The Kidd again. Emotions ain't me!

Yesterday was good to be emotional tho, my choir does "Feed the Families" every year. Its a community service project where we basically give Thanksgiving dinner to needy fams around the city. I was glad to be a part of something that was bigger than me. I been real down lately about my own problems and they didn't seem like a big deal 'cause I mean, I never worry about food or clothes or anything like that. I can't imagine. There's a scripture that says "Where your treasure is, your heart will be also"... I always try to give my 'treasure' (my time and money) to something or someone else. Cause treasuring myself? Not cute. Message!

So, I can't seem to get 100% healthy from this flu. I'm still coughing, (not as much), throat stills sore, and a nig still has all type of congestion. The Nyquil helps, but it also puts me in a coma every time I pop it. So yea, I refuse to take any more medicine. I need some juices and berries to heal me... lol.

My mother challenged me not to change my fbook status for 24 hours. Its been 22. I haven't died yet. Kind of refreshing actually... She also challenged me not to get on fbook for a week. I'm going to do it, just not ready. I HAVE took all facebook capabilities off my fone tho. Mobile and all. I can only access the book from a PC. Its a big deal. Don't judge me.

Going to see Precious tonite with my cousin and friends. Can't wait. I been feelin' tender but hopefully detachment has kicked in with this alcohol I been drinkin and I won't shed tears. Ooooohhh popcorn... .lol.

Was watching the AMA's JJ did ALL her hits. LOL, I love me some Janet. She made me fall in love with performance. She's a HELL of an actress too...

Friend of mine made me a mix CD cause I was feelin' down.... ITS BUMPIN, 'caramel'!!!

Laydees, I have a question.. Why do yall (we) respond so well to disrespect? I mean, I'm nice to a woman and I become a geek, but when I disrespect her I'm sexy? I long for the days when being disrespectful comes natural to me...

Song of the Day:. "Kiss" Prince.

-C

Not 100%....

Is she baaaaackkkkk?!?!

I dunno.. Don't go having an orgasm just yet.. I couldn't stay away too long. Truth is a nigga LOVES writing. I've been doing ALOT. I've learned that I'm a very impatient person. I want things to heal, grow and change over night and its just not going to happen. Its ok tho. It IS happening so I'm bless-ed. I'd be lying if I felt like myself all the way. I don't. But I'm breathing and blinking.

I got that influenza yall. The doc told me I had it, I went outside and started crying and called my mother. Clearly doesn't sound like me.. just trying to give you a hint of how OFF I've been lately. 3 bottles of cold medicine later? I still ain't 100% better and I'm still coughing a VERY deep cough. Flu's outta my system thank goodness... But anything triggers a cough and cold medicine has other affects that I ain't even know about.. Still trying to figure out how its working with my regular medicine and other factors.. more on that later.

Yall, up until very recently I enjoyed a lot of blogs with little emotion triggered. Last night I read my boy Adam's blog and tears came to my eyes. Maybe because it was so honest, maybe because he talked about me and related me to someone who was very important to him.. or I could relate to his relationship? Either way... Check him out.. Click on my title and that'll take you to his blog. He's a VERY intelligent and insightful guy and I think I gotta lightweight crush, admiration, infatuation thing going on with him. Has alot to do with the fact that he's kinda mean.. lol

Good news? I get lightweight PAID fo my words now... I'm down 20 lbs.. Try to stop me if you want.. Be prepared for an #EPIC FAIL!

Alrighty, working on my article... trying to wind down at the same time.. talking to mi madre.. clearly.. too much is going on...

In conclusion, church... I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not back 100% physically or emotionally... some things have to happen to get that together and its out of my hands... well, I refuse to spend anymore energy on it. LOL..

AAANNNDDD... I just might be... done.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" Lauryn Hill

-C

Taking a Break.

Alright folks, lets get serious for a minute.

Yall know how I feel about the truth even if it means showing my weakness. I recognized that I'm very blessed and I'm thankful but at this point in time? I'm not happy. Hell, i'm rather angry if I get real honest. My writing will reflect this and for that reason it has to go into my notebook (not the world wide web) for a while. I'm not trying to play the victim. Hell, I can't play one... cause I AM one.

My goal is to get my mind right and my heart empty by my birthday, I refuse to be sad on my 7300th day! (Do the math)

I'll be back in less than a month.. Hopefully a week's time.

They tell me hate is just confused love. My love is REAL confused.

-C

Brick Wall

I'm turning into a bad person.

I feel so emotionally dettached from people, today... and I think the emotional dettachment is just an excuse not to be angry... No, MAD as hell. I don't blame anyone because the way people react towards me is totally my fault. Yall, I was at a workshop that I go to every year all weekend (more on that later, it was GREAT!) and I think I got a fever and a cough from pure exhaustion.

Now, I don't tell people when I'm sick, because I don't want to be bothered, hell I don't want to be bothered when well here lately so I try to stay low key... For whatever reason, a nigga's fone was going OFF like WHOA last night.. I mean, when I'm sick, I can only sleep for 2 hours straight at best... I'd have millions of texts and missed calls!

No1 loves good conversation more than I do... but these mofos that callin' me? Don't want SHIT. I think thats what makes me truely angry. Like, dude.. You callin' me cause you bored? Who do I look like? You better turn on Family Guy if you want to be entertained. I'd understand if I was actually nice to these people... but I literally have been staring at my phone ringing for the past month and not answering texts...

Do people enjoy talking to a brick wall?

I understand why good people become assholes. Its happening to me. I don't like it. The situation mentioned above? It ain't why... but I can't discuss whats really getting under my skin.

I think my feelings just might be hurt.

Idk how to deal with hurt feelings, my first instinct is to get angry... Idk, I wanna punch a bitch in the face... but.. I'm too pretty for jail... Ok ok, I'm going to write me a very angry letter and not send it, if that doesn't work... Uhh.. Whats plan B?

Song of the Day:. "Break Stuff" Limp Bizkit

-C

"African-American" Vs. "Black"

Hey yall, the kidd has a topic today. Church, today I'll be discussing African-American Vs. Black. 

Now, let me first say that 'race' is NOT biological. I COULD go into why it isn't, but who wants a science lesson at 8:30 in the morning? Well, you might not be reading it at this time, but I'm writing it and I ain't finna get into it. Anyway, Race is SOCIAL. Human's always want to make their group seem better for whatever reason by excluding another. Thats where race comes into play. (If you ask me? White people have been threatened by us Darkies since the beginning of time for whatever reason...)

Now, when a white person asks me if I would prefer to be called African-American or Black? If first thank them for being racially conscious cause the fact is, they really don't have to be. Depending on who it is, I'll say black cause I'm American and not African.. You can't go too into depth with white people when it comes to racial identity, cause I mean.. yea.. they ain't gonna get it... 

But I've gotten into this discussion recently multiple times with some black people. It is true that when you look at me you can assume that my ancestors were from Africa. But BLACK people have been stripped of their cultural identity, and it ain't our fault. Call me what you want. But I'm NOT African. I'm American. My mother was born in America, her mother was and her mother was. How close am I supposed to feel to my "African roots" when we haven't been there for 'round 6 generations? Plus, what IS African-American anyway? Africa's the second largest continent in the world and you can be white, yellow, black, purple or green and be from Africa. Not to mention, the HUMAN race started in Africa, by the standards we use to determine "African-American" we could ALL say that we are "African-American" right?

My father is married to an African woman. They're from Liberia. It took me eating their food, dancing to their music, playing and working with them to realize that my ass wasn't African... Yea, we're all dark, our hair is nappy... but our cultures are VERY different. I will say that there are some consistencies between African's and Black-American's culture. We both like to eat! ha! 

So, I'd say that I was black. I'm not insulted when called "African-American" tho. Hell, just don't call me colored! LOL 

That being said, we as black people have WAYY more to worry about than what we'd rather be called. Like.. oh, I don't know.. Health Insurance?

Song of the Day:. "Whats Going On?" Marvin Gaye

-C

Colleen ♥

Hey yall...

Much Love and Respect to my friend Colleen. I found out she passed away today. Its so hard to see my peers leaving this Earth. We were in 7th and 8th grade Spanish class together. I can't believe that she's gone, her voice and her laugh is still so real to me. I thank God for the good times we had as kids and I can't wait to see her again.

I'm heartbroken... Not good at sharing my issues with people, I know who I wanna call and talk to cause she'll just listen and make me feel better, but... idk.. think i'mma pop in a movie and will some sleep to come.

Real entry tomorrow. I got some topics on my heart to talk about.

Tell somebody you love 'em, they might not be here tomorrow!

Song of the Day:. "Live Like You Were Dying." -Tim McGraw

-C

You can find me in the club....

Yall, I've said it before. At my tender age, I'm officially over the club scene. I love drinking and dancing.. but people don't act right. Granted, I did have a good time last night because of the people... But there was mass fuckery going on. For one, when I got to the door, this bitch frisked me and had wayy too much fun. She reached all the way up my leg like I was hiding something in my uterus and I definitely gave her the stank face.. and she looked at me silly when I didn't go in and waited for her to frisk my girls. Cause they half naked asses might've ended up pregnant with her havin' the friskin job!

THEN my yougass suitemate is drunk ass hell and showing her ASS literally and figurativley. Yall, I don't like taking care of drunk people (especially when I'm drunk) but I don't want to see nothing bad happen to a young niiave girl who don't know any better. I mean, she JUST started drinking and EVERYtime she's gotten drunk she ends up crying and hugging the toiletbowl.. For one, thats an indication that you too immature to handle the bottle. Its ok to know your limit and when to put your cup down, hell its necessary. Take it from someone who used to get pissy 3 times a week, I'd always know when to stop, give someone the keys and tell them that I'm VERY fucked up and not to let me dissappear... It takes maturity to drink, and if you don't have it.. in my opinion your young ass needs to eat a fruit roll-up and sit down somewhere.

*SMDH*

But all in all, I had a fairly good time dancing. I wish people wouldn't try to get me pregnant on the dance floor (HUSBAND) but its iight.

Well, gotta go to this wack ass meeting of egos. I'm so hungry, sleepy and hungover. I have a feeling that I'll either be giving blank looks or stank faces when I roll up in there. I hope "egoista" got fucked real good last night and she got her mouth under control... cause today I can't garuntee that I won't say something back. I did NOT get fucked real good last night...

Song of the Day: "Blame it on the Alcohol" -Jamie

-C

Libido? Brain?

Ok, just some thoughts before I go to the club...

White people are so racially insensitive. Yall should see this conversation I'm having on my facebook with one of my white friends.. All started from a status about how I felt that black people should be so quick to criticize the president because he was so important to us as a people... yall, I won't go into it.. but the kat got blinders on for real... Blinders called white privilege.

Must be nice.

Its one of those rare occasions that I'm going to the club. I need it. I need to let loose and get a lil tipsy. This is the first time my roommate and I've partied together. It should be rather lethal cause we don't act right at all on the regular.. Imagine how we gonna get with some drinks and loud music. I'm pretty excited... cause I'm partyin' with my boys and I haven't in years it seems...

I hope I have a hell of a hangover ;) LOL

Why do women who are interested in me only try to stimulate my libido? I mean, is that all you're worth, sweetie? I need my mind to be stimulated first.. then my heart... THEN my libido. I mean, I can turn on a porno and get horny.. anyone with a third of a brain can get me excited. I need a woman with a mind and a heart. Call me crazy?

I want a boyfriend anyway. I'm working on it. I requested him on facebook. I can tell he likes me.. he just seems nervous when we talk or somethin? What can I do to get him to come out of his shell? he's such a cutie.. a chocolate dred-head? whoooooo... LOL

iiight yall... Just some food before I go out.. Talkin to a young lady I kinda dig... lemme spit game! Oh yea, she told me I didnt' have to!

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill

-C

Control

Control? Yes Please..

Hey yall. Figured I'd come at yall with a good topic today since I haven't in a minute. I know what I've promised you and I promise they're coming. Gotta marinate on them as I say.

Church, today I will be discussing my Control issues...

Now, my control issues have been a long time coming. My father's the biggest control freak I know. That is the ultimate reason why we don't get along. He passed it on to me and The Kidd will NOT be controlled. Now, he didn't raise me at all so maybe it is genetic.. But I don't have a psychology degree so.. I can't speak on it too much. I was raised around  women that I love very much.. my mom, aunts, grandmothers, cousins... At some point, I became protective over all of them and I think my protective nature over women I love is directly related to why I'm such a control freak..

Now, I don't know WHY I became so protective over them, because in my generation. I'm on the younger half...

Also, I'm rather spoiled and especially in my (healthy) romantic relationships I'm drawn to women who'll take care of me. Much like a woman would take care of her husband or her son.. Yall, I really don't know how to take care of myself, I never had to learn, hell I don't want to. LOL... I gotta girl that texts me every morning and tells me to take my medicine, another that wakes me up from my naps, a friend of mine vacuums up my side of the room... Yall... even writing it I feel like a spoiled brat.. But yall know how I feel about the truth.

(At the same time, I don't recieve anything I'm not willing to give... not important right now tho)

Since my romantic life no longer exists... Lets speak in general.

Examples of me being a control freak? I don't like waitresses and waiters picking up my cup to refill it before they ASK me if I want a refill. A nigga can't just want ice? I don't like for my ciggarette or black to be lit up by someone else while in my mouth.. My homie pointed those two out to me.. Lets see what else... I wanna push my own floor button in the elevator... I don't like working in groups cause I wanna do all the work myself.. I have issues with the way people edit the shit that I write. LOL.. While I don't like driving, I don't like riding much either cause it makes me nervous when I'm not in control...

I'm a certified control freak if I ever seen one, and I don't get along with other control freaks... This girl got straight kicked out of my room for thinking she ran ANYTHING up in there. I wish I could tolerate it better, and I actually am making an effort to give up some control because I know that it will result in me being less stressed and what not..

I just wish I could explore the root of my fear of losing control so I can ultimately over come it.... Its interesting because until someone I loved told me that I had control issues, I really didn't even see it... But a nigga does like control and now I'll let anyone who's dealing with me in any capacity know I have control issues and its best if they don't eneable me.. LOL

Back to my romantic life for a minute...
When it comes to men? I feel more comfortable giving them control just because of the 'man-woman' roles.. but it still feels funny.... Now with women? I'm looking for someone who will let me be me (a control freak) but also someone I can submit to. I don't want anyone that I can walk all over. Thats no fun.. I need a woman that can tell me to straight up 'shut the fuck up' because if not? It wont be no fun for her.. and I don't wanna be resented.

My boy told me he got strong lesbian vibes from me and I think my dominant, protective nature translates into masculine thus giving people the misconception that I'm a lesbian and that dick isn't my top 10 favorite things... It is TRUST. LOL..

[[I like men because I can have sex with them and they not fall in love, (sorry ladies... yall can't do it) sometimes I just want to be sexed real good, and roll over and go to sleep. It ain't about being taken advantage of, to me its about being sexually liberated. Hard for us to see sex as JUST physical which is why I don't (can't) do it too often... Sometimes a nigga just needs a good workout and release and I don feel like giving myself the five  finger discount very often, its crucial if I do that.. ]]

Anywho, I have a good lesbian friend who REFUSES to believe that I have dated, been in loved with and fucked men. Call me crazy but what lesbian can't understand someone's sexuality when hers goes totally against the norm?

I digress.

Each day, I realize there are more people reading my daily words than I think. I just want to send some love to whoever's reading and let you know that my blog is like my therapy and I really appreciate if you read and enjoy. Don't hesitate to let me know... Special shout out to my #twittercrush... ;) Where my T-shirt at?

Yall need to check out Trey Songz's new video. I had 3 orgasms.

Song of the Day:. "Invented Sex" Trey Songz and "Pussy Control" Prince
2 fer 1!

-C

A portion of a poem in the works.

Hey yall, I'mma share a portion of a poem I'm working on, I'm not done with it.. Just gonna share half..

In a (my) perfect world...

In my perfect world,
there'd be no parallel
between your feelings
and mine.
I'd operate for me
only
and on my own time.
Your smile would give me
no spark
Your touch would have
no take.
I'd dwell peacefully in my
own desires
Not yours or anyone wlses
I'd have devine peace in
being so selfish...

Alright, thats all you get! Lemme know whatcha think! I haven't been writing poetry like I used to.. sometimes it does come to me tho..

-C

On the dawn of 20...

Whats up yall? Waiting on my clothes to dry, thought i'd share some thoughts. I know I owe yall a couple of blogs, but due to my present state of mind and feeling, they would come out wayy too bitter. I don't want yall to see that side of me. I need to have the proper perspective before I speak on things. You understand ;)

I'm a month away from my 20th birthday. I'm rather excited.. Not exactly sure what I wanna do. I have a lot of December babies to celebrate with. We might pull something together and invite 17 butt naked b-tches over... you know how I do. LOL.

Oh, and sorry if you have a problem with my use of the B word... As my friend says.. "I only call bitches, bitches" ;)

But for real, there was a time in my life where I didn't think I'd see 20, or my 3rd semester in college. I'm so blessed and very thankful that He has let me get this far. Everything's not perfect, there are certain things in my life not going my way.. but guess what. I have a LIFE to be ungrateful about!

So, I been watching TV since I got back from some events on the yard. Yall see this Kate stuff? When did it become ok for us to share the intimate details of our personal lives on national TV? I mean, how much money are your children worth?! I know TLC probably paying for a lot of stuff... but them kids gonna resent the HELL out of her for publicizing her divorce like that.. Hell, I resent(ed) my mother for getting a divorce PERIOD.

Oh yea, I implemented a new app of sorts on my blog.. on the bottom there's buttons you can push and leave your opinion.. I think the choices are harsh, funny, truth... So since yall won't comment.. Just push the button, please.

So we had an event today on campus.. a group came that was against the death penalty.... Now, I'm all for social justice.... and I KNOW that the death penalty only creates more victims... I support that theory... But... I'm all for that shit! LOL... I don't want to be for the Death Pentalty, but if you kill someone I love? You wont' have to worry about it.. I'll take care of you myself. You made your choice when you thought you could take someone else's life into your hand... I'd rather see 'em suffer for a decade or 5 then kill 'em.... Whooooo.. thats a dark side of The Kidd I don want yall to see.

But for real,  I wouldn't be sad to see the death penalty abolished. There's other things I'd much rather see happen tho.

Call me an asshole? You're probably right. Its not unmotivated tho ;)

Alright yall, gotta go get my laundry and finish cleaning.. I'm hungry as well. Who gon get me somethin to eat?

Song of the Day:. "Every Girl" Yung Money "Sanaa Lathan... Megan Good... Angelina Jolie... D. Woods"

-C

Healing.

Hey yall, I feel much better. I'm not good at these things called emotions. I'm actually a rather emotional individual but due to a series of events, I just keep 'em to myself.... well naw, I suppress them... that thing is unhealthy. Take my advice, let your emotions out somehow! I did and I can't explain the release... yea, letting 'em out might cause an argument or something.. but at least its on the table... When you let your emotions out? You can look at them... its good for detaching. When your emotions stay in? They strangle your insides... call me dramatic, but thats the sensation I get when I'm feelin' some type of way and can't or wont let it out.

*sigh*

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... This new month and new week is a good excuse for a new outlook. I'm worried about people not treating me right? But the creator of Love got my back... He's the one who lit up the world simply with his words and he lets me see the sun come up every morning. I can't be worried about people who need a electricity, a lightbulb, a lamp and a lightswitch to get some light... and then still might not get it...

And real talk, He's given me some greatttttt people in my life. I appreciate them muchly and I should spend more time dwelling on those who do it right than who do it wrong. Sorry, Cheeks. I see the effort, I appreciate it. Sorry it didn't work out... For the record, you do it right more often than wrong. You've been a VERY good friend. I'm an ass for saying what I did.. Blame it on the emotion of the moment. Gonna miss the Bobbiz..

Just wanted to blog again to let yall know that I ain't suicidal...lol. Blog topics coming up? "Why I understand assholes", "The joys and pain of bisexuality" and a sub topic will be my love-hate relationship with tobacco.

Shout outs to a VERY good friend of mine who worries about me wayy too much. Words cannot express how much I appreciate you. Thats why I say it so much. I really am forever in debt to you. I'm not worthy of your love and attention but I'm soooo thankful that I got you and you got me ;)

Song of the Day: "Trading My Sorrows" -Israel & New Breed.

-C

In Pain.

Yall, I be honest... I'm feelin' kinda bummed. Well.. VERY bummed. I HOPE I can blame it on PMS later...

A hard lesson for me to learn is that people aren't going necessarily  to treat me how I think they should. The thing is.. I can have the highest standards in the world and make an effort to treat people as such.. but it don't mean I'mma get it back. So why do I keep treating muhfuckas so nice? Hell if I know... Well, I do know its because of who I am and whose I am. I've been called to treat people with love and if I stop, I'm not being me or who HE wants me to be...

That don't mean it won't be painful tho.

Not to brag, but if you have my love? You a lucky mofo... When it comes to those who are mine, the word "No" is seldom in my vocabulary. I always try to help out, or just be there if ya need some help... But what I realized last night is those same people who I treat with so much love are the LAST people I call on when I need anything.... I mean, I wish I could call on 'em, but I know that I'mma just be disappointed cause a muhfucka always got 3 excuses for why they can't help me out.

I ain't bitter. I'm just telling the truth.

And I'm not blaming anybody.... People show me how fickle, immature, insecure, selfish, and full of SHIT they are and I still expect them to treat me a certain way. It's my fault. I have to start acting accordingly. If you an asshole, I'mma treat you just like what your name tag says.

*sigh* It sucks bad, Its a buzzkill If I ever seen one. I didn't even pick up the bottle last night, yall. I'm frustrated as hell, I feel so defeated and I'm experiencing the worse kind of pain. It ain't physical at all.

Its crucial that I make some changes to how I act towards the people around me. It was so much easier when everyone got the deuces and I just kept it movin. Everyone's acting with their feelings at top priority... So why ain't I? My eyes are red and burning from all these tears I shed all night, and I'm sure the muhfucka(s) that I was upset about were sleeping very well.

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... Officially Over It.

Gonna share a portion of a poem later. It expresses my feelings way better.

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India. Arie "Good morning independence or is it lonliness?"

-C

Halloween <-- a lazy Saturday.

Whats up yall? Happy Halloween and what not. Hope all the little and big kids are safe. As for me? I have a big ole bottle of 190 proof beside me that might be empty in the morning. I ain't goin' nowhere. The parties already here! LOL  I don't feel like partying anyway so I'mma follow my desires and do what the hell I want to do. Sit here and chill. I be feeling like a downer sometimes when I'm not excited about stuff that everyone else is. Halloween was cool when I was 6? But at this age, holidays are just an excuse to get drunk and I never needed one ;)

Ya know, lately I've been everyone's love guru. Ya know what i've learned from that? People got some LOW ass standards. Hell, even if you just tryna have a physical relationship (which is often the case..) I think you still should have some requirements or somethin! These bitches that my friends have been trying to get hooked up with? The first one's a ho... The second one? Dumb as rocks... and I've turned down both of these females in the not so distant past... so I don't want to hook up my homies with 'em do I?

Had a good time with my white husband last night. He let me choose what he wore to the club.. I def had him lookin' flyyyyyyy. He's a good guy, real talk. Gonna turn me into a spoiled brat if I let him. I usually got work spoiled status in.. He already got it goin!

My mom just came and chilled with me for a minute on the way to Indy for her friends b-day party. I was glad to see her. I can really talk to her about stuff that I'm feeling. She's coming back through tomorrow on the way to twist my hair. 

I tell yall that I'm trying to change my cell phone habits? Yall, I send/receive 'round 250+ texts a day! I really think its shrinking my sanity. I'm doing better, and my sanity's growing. It was cool when I was young and enjoyed meaningless conversation but now? I don't like people.. My cuzzo told me that was why I was getting grey hairs in teenagerdom.. All them people I deal with. I gotta shrink that... So if I don't respond to ya texts or answer my fone? Don't take it personal. Well, maybe you should cause yo ass stresses me out! LOL, but for real.. Its about me, not you. 

My sanity is my responsibility. Not yours. 

Yall, there's a buzzing in my ear that be driving me CRAZY. I think its sinus issues... I might have to pull out this netti pott. Get you one, see if your life don't change for the better. I'd endorse a netti pott by the KKK. Thats how crucial it is... 

Alright yall, back to enjoying my lazy Saturday and ignoring my all texts and calls. Have a happy save Halloween!

Song of the Day: "Doin' Just Fine" Boys II men..

"Getting along very well.. without you in my life...." <--True Story. 

-C 

Over it.

Yall, at the tender age of 19... and in my third semester of college. I might just be over the party/club-scene. Truth is I partied EVERY week last semester. Now tonight, I thought I was gonna be able to chill with my boo but that didn't work out like I wanted it to :( So, my friends convinced me to go to this dude's party right. I knew him so it wasn't just random shit. But I was only going cause they were gonna meet me and my dude "Social-Justice"... Well we got to the place, the niggas never came... I hope nothing bad happened to my people... but I can't be concerned right now. Maybe after the liquor has wore off...

Woulda been cool if his party was poppin'. It was alotta MEAT in there and they ran out of liquor.. DUN DUN DUN! When you run out of things to make everyone in here look better? I'm out! Made a phone call and got a ride back to my humble abode. I was just sitting there the whole time boppin my head to the music thinking "this ain't my scene"

[Side Thot: Regina King and Angela Basset can't ACT they pretty asses off!]

I'm so over it. Just the whole... scene? Maybe its cause I wasn't all the way drunk. I mean, this cute guy wanted to dance with me and I just wasn't into it... I was ready to go home when I got there.... I'mma make a song called "Blame it on the Sobriety".

Sucks when you go out and you know you shoulda kept yo black ass at the crib with your damn self. I think I'm in a pissy ass mood... I'm going to lay down...

Yall... Regina said "I'm in pain.. cause I love you and you don't feel a thing for me..." Girl... you better not make me cry in here.... Act baby!

Song of the Day: "By Myself" Ying Yang Twins

-C

Woof.

Women.

Now, I often talk about the female phenomena like I'm not apart of it... But thats how I talk about mankind, and I'm apart of them. Please understand I know I'm a woman and alot of problems I have with women (and men) are the problems I see in myself.

Anywho, I don't understand why even after you TELL a woman you a dog, she still thinks that she can change you. I mean of course most dogs don't admit that they are dogs, but they do show that they're dogs... You can only keep that thing on a leash for so long. Seems like a woman always tryna get a fixer upper. Why not find someone as fabulous as you so yall can be the shit together? In reference to the taste one of my cousins has in men,  my aunt says that she always picks from the top of the bottom of the barrell.. LOL

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not a dog... Am I? LOL Its just that I do my best to never sell any pipe dreams. All 3 of my girlfriends know about each other, and my wife knows about my girlfriends... LOL I tell people that want to get involved with me where my head and my heart is at. Trust, it aint ideal for a realtionship at this point, and they still wan deal with me? It can't be because of ME. I ain't a big deal. I'm flaky, selfish, possessive, and after sex? I go right to sleep if I don't get up and get something to eat, first. Who wants a mofo like that?

The thing about a lot of people is that they have all these flaws and try to supress them for their loved one.. Fuck that! The flaws are part of who I am! I can't change the Kidd, I can change what I do to appease you (sometimes) but I can't change me. Part of me knowing if someone can be on my team or not is them calling me on my shit but not expecting me to be any different. But still loving me in spite of that. Don't ignore my flaws cause then I'll walk all over your ass for real.. But recognize that they exist and that you gonna be here regardless.

Now as far as YOUR flaws? Get that shit in check! LOL.. just playin!

I'm realizing that Love has to simply be an easy mutual existence. Lots of times we get with someone that we have feelings for but we can't Love because they won't deal with the things about us that aren't so good. You can't love if you're trying to hide the true essence of yourself. When I'm with someone that doesn't want me to cuss or something like that? Eh....

Remember when I had that virus? That was the first time that Cheeks saw me sick, I felt and looked A MESS. But she still looked at me like I was about something... Hell, she came and brought me medicine and orange juice. Yall, a nigga felt warm and fuzzy.. Cause I wanted my mommy... lol.

Alright, enough about this love shit.. LOL

Why don't white people have any concept of personal space?! I'm walking this morning and I was already feeling abnormal because I ain't have my iPod... So I just had the fucking wind in my ears... And you know how you feel someone's presence on your back? This dude was walking wayy to close.. and a lot of times I just stop and let whoever pass me up because I need my space. But this morning I had somewhere to be and I'm tired of changing my life for white people...lol. But then this mothafucka starts coughing and sneezing?! Yall, my nigga immune system does not know how to handle caucasoid germs. They shits on a whole new level.... Luckily he passed me up and went in the poli sci building....

Another thing about white people I don't get.... The other day I'm standing in line at a fine establishment on my campus to get some eatery.. and these white girls come in line and stand beside/in front of me like they don't even see me. I mean, I know I'm short... but damn, I'm not invisible!

And the third thing, Why they wear shorts in 40 degree weather.. Do they not feel that shit? I mean, I know I'm not genetically prepared for cold weather. They brought my people over from West Africa and the Carribean and then we were slaves in the Carolinas before we found out we were free.. (Do your research... ) So I know that I'm made for hott weather. LOL But white people don't even have a winter wardrobe, they just rock the flip flops all year round!

But I love white people... Have a white person on your team and see if your credit score don't go up ;)

Well, I have studying to do before my un-sober weekend.

Think I'mma blog again to night about Stimulants.. LOL

1st song of the Day: shit, I can't think of the name of it.. It's Mint Condition and Charlie Wilson....

-C

God & Love

Yall.....

Today I'm feelin' much better than I was yesterday. I don't have classes on Tuesdays but it was still a little hectic. Nothing I can't deal with tho.

Just came from the gay people meeting on campus.. We watched a very insightful documentary of sorts on the bible, the church, and gay people. Really broke my heart to see a mother came to her senses after her lesbian daughter commited suicide. Its interesting to me how people pick out 'sins' to condem people with... Human nature is to exclude a group of people to make you and your group feel better. The religious world proves no different.

Made me think about issues I have with 'religious' people. Sometimes I'm ashamed to say I'm Christian because all of the negative connotation that comes with it.... I'm not the type to condem anyone to hell and I'm very tolerant of other people's beliefs.. lots of my Christian counterparts have a big problem with me because of that.... Hard fa me to go to church sometimes. All I wanna do is worship and learn about Him.. Not hate..

There's a big debate on what the bible says about homosexuality... I'll talk about my opinion on the matter later... I think that the REAL issue here is that people who claim to believe in God aren't acting like they know Him.. Meaning, they aren't acting like they have a say in the matter. God is sovreign. Its all His.. ALL of it. God has His elect people on this earth. and whether they're going to Heaven or  is according to His standard, not ours.  As His humble servants, our job is to show everyone His perfect love.... not condeming and telling people they going to hell... Yall got this thing all wrong...

(What I'm saying does NOT mean I think homosexuality is wrong at all....)

I don't talk about God much in my blog, because my relationship with Him is personal.. Thats people's problem too, they tryna broadcast a personal relationship for their own ego or whatever... and thats not how you get close to someone. For instance, I tell yall some stuff about Cheeks and I, but the love you see I have for her is a evidence of a personal realtionship... that love I have is ONLY for her and she's the only one who sees it. Likewise how it is with God, I ain't gonna type my prayers up and post them on the world wide web...

Yall won't see no prayers or love letters outta me ;)

My opinion on what the bible says about Homosexuality? Its all about the cultural and social context. We read the bible and take what it says and apply it to our personal lives. There's so many of God's people in so many different places.. We all take different things out of what it says.. We're focused on what the bible reads... But what does it say for you?

In Leviticus, God told men not to lay with men to a nation of people that was trying to grow. Two sperms don't make a baby. He destroyed Sodom and Ghommora because they were a very unpeaceful people. When the bible says something is an "abomination" directly translated from the Greek means its "not traditonal".

The bible also says if your hand is causing you a problem, cut it off. To me that doesn't mean literally get a knife out, it means get rid of whatever's causing you problems. Why do we chose when to take things literally?

The one theme that is consistent throughout the bible is LOVE. I think that is what we should be focused on. We're spending wayy too much time trying to exclude, hate and condem... lets welcome, love and encourage. The definition of Love is God. When I don't know how to properly show my love? I look at Him to see how He loves me. He sent His Son to die for My sins.. He sacrificed for me, loves me in spite of myself and sees me through His son. He loves me unconditionally and won't stop just because I don't show Him the proper love that He deserves.

As far as an earthly scale.. The love I experience today is so beautiful... it HAS to be from nowhere but Heaven. I can't fake this love I have, yall. I try, believe me. I do. Like I said before I try to look at Him and see how I'm supposed to love her. Sometime I mess up, but I hope she sees that I'm trying and I hope I'm getting somewhere close..? LOL

Well, I'm sleepy... watching the Kobe show.. Waiting on my clothes to get outta the dryer.. Got an Anthropology test tomorrow.. *bites nails*

Song of the Day: "Love" -Musiq

-C