Boyfriend number what..?

Hello.

So I wrote a dope-ass poem today. I might post it. I probably won't. But if you wanna read it, just shoot me a message.

Let me tell yall about some ignant shit I heard yesterday. Now please, understand that I'm not the typical Black-American female teenager when it comes to BET watching and my music. So, I was at Aaron's house yesterday looking at the guide through the remote when I see that "106 and Park" is on. I haven't been a regular watcher of this show in years because I love AJ and Free and I still miss them muchly. Nothing against Terrance and Roxy... I try to sneak a peak every once in awhile to see what the teens are feeling cause we the future.. feel me?

Anywho, when I turned to BET, I saw a very cute young black guy singing in a very beautiful voice. I was impressed cause this guy really had talent, was good looking and could dance to.. That is, until I listened to what he was singing about...

Boyfriend #2.

How IGNORANT!.. I don't know whats more ignorant, him writing a song about being the guy on the side or women jamming to this stuff! Re-darn-diculous. Can we please get some standards yall? Yea.. the song has a nice beat and everything but words are everything to me. I think its silly that people like a song 'just cause of the beat' so if the KKK came out with a song about killin niggas and the beat was dance-able would you jam to that to?

I think not.

I am so frustrated with main-stream music. I can't even express it. For one, all rap songs have the same beat to me and these guys aren't really saying anything... feel me? We understand that you have ice around your neck, a car with MAC truck size wheels and a harem of big booty women willing to perform mass amounts of fellatio on you. But is there anything more to you than that? Seems that I'm the only one fed up cause everyone else seems to be feelin 'em.

Anywho.. time for me to eat or something. I might write another blog before I go to bed.

-C

Its my perogative!

Greetings.

Damn-it UofL! I wanted to make it into the final four atleast! UGH!

Anywho, hope this blog entry finds you in good spirits. If not, do whatcha gotta do lift them spirits cause who wants to be around a simp? Not me.

My weekend was pretty cool.. on Friday, went to do Kareoke. Yall, all these white folks was doing all this country. I wanted to beat my head against the wall or get drunk. I ain't 21 and I already have enough head injuries for 3 people so I had to just sit there and deal with it, until it was my turn to perform. LOL.. Me and Aaron did "My perogative" by Bobby Brown. They looked real insulted. I loved it. The black people in the back was jammin with us tho. Then me and Nathan got up and did "Can't take my eyes off you" by Lauryn. They liked that a little better, but since we wasn't talkin about somebody's tractor they still wasn't feeling it. I didn't give 2 shits tho. After that, we went to go see Haunting in Connecticut. I LOVED it. I actually screamed yall... and I laugh at most scary movies.

Then since my roomate and her boyfriend were exchanging bodily fluids, we decided to have a lil sleep-over in my friend Teeya's room. Fun times. For some reason, we slept and ate all day and didn't decide to get off our asses until 6pm the next day.

College Life.

So, I'm feelin kinda lonley. In reality, it's only been a week and a half since I 'got some'. But I wanna be boo'd up. Seems like everyone around me is. But the thing is... I just don't like dealing with people. I don't wanna go through tryna meet someone and getting over the hump of that akward stage. I'm happy single, I think. My good friends are always boo'd up.. but.. the person changes every week.. and that ain't never been me. I feel like I need to 'just chill' as my aunt would say. I feel like who I'm with is closer than I think.. or like maybe right under my nose.. idk. I'mma just sit back and watch.

Well, Aaron and Dustin are on their way. I did my studying, time for my fun ;)

-C

Cold-Shoulder

Hello.

This week has been hell. I've been so busy. Ever since I've got back in Lou, I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and when I'm not, I'm sleep. I hate this. I'm so glad the weekend is coming. I skipped english this morning. Yes, not good kids but I woke up at 8:08 and didn't feel like rushing to class, I already had 8 minutes against me. So I just rolled my black ass over and went back to sleep. Plus, last time I was in English, I got in an argument with this dude about the last presidential election. I won't tell the whole story for the sake of my energy, but I served him and the whole class gasped at what I said to him. I'm just tryna eliminate ignorance.

Anywho, remember how I talked about ignant-ass in my Standards entry? Well, I stopped texting her and put her ass in the back of my mind. So she sends me a text one day this week goes like this..

Her: "Are you busy?"
Me: "No."
Her: "I have some questions, you can choose to answer them or not.. Do you think that I will make you feel shallow or degrade you"
Me: You have no control over my feelings, and I won't be degraded by anyone. No to both.

Now, She musta pulled them questions outta her ass cause I really don't know where they came from. I'm bustin the cold-shoulder hard... But last night I had to bust it even harder..

Her: "Just wanted to say hi."
Me: "K"
Her: "Lol! U still mad at me?"
Me: "To be perfectly honest, I'm rather numb. I have no feelings either way."
[then i had to send another one cause it was on my heart.. lol]
Me: "School's occupying my time. I really don't have energy left to be worried about stuff and people who aren't going to change."
Her: "Oh ok. Ttyl maybe."
Her: Lol! ok."
Me: "Its your perogative."
Her: "Yes ma'am" [i fucking hate it when she calls me ma'am.. she knows it]
Me: "I'll leave the texting up to you."

So please, be honest with me. Am I an asshole? I think I am. But I'm fed up... Everytime she said "Lol!" it validated the fact that she doesn't take me or my feelings seriously. It really bothered me. I want to say something to her about it.. but I kinda want to just leave well enough alone.. and it ain't well.. I think I might the next time she says something to me. Cause I have to be honest about my feelings. I'm tired of holding shit in for the sake of muhfuckas.

Moving on....

I was just listening to Rodnie Bryant's version of "My Liberty" check it out. Nikki Ross is leading.. She's a damn... beast! Gosh, them runs was rediculous.. UGH!!! Whooo... I screamed...

Ok, well.. i have spanish to look at..

-C

.masturbation.

Hey yall, I just got inspired. 3am is quickly approaching but hey, who needs sleep when you got energy drinks? [I do not promote energy drinks, they give 25-year-olds heart attacks]

Anywho, I was inspired by T-Pain's song "Therapy" [shout outs to pandora..] This is a funnysong to me.. because he's singing in a very sweet way but he's saying

"One two three four, get yourself up up out my door, five six seven eight, i don't need your stuff I'll masturbate... Can't handle the pressure of you"

Funny right? But this is exactly how I feel about my last relationship. I love intimacy.. but she made masturbation seem very attractive to me. YES! I masturbate! Show me someone who doesn't and I'll show you a liar. Masturbation is GREAT and I think that more women especially should do some self-lovin cause if you don't know how to make yourself bust one, you can't tell a man (or woman) how to. Gotta know your spots!

But seriously....

When I'm horny, my judgment and standards kind of go out the window for a minute. I've found myselves in situations with knuckle-heads just cause I wanted to bust one. When I masturbate, it puts things in perspective for me. I just want an orgasm. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want anyone breathing or sweating on me. I just want a nut. Also, I'm kinda selfish, and I don't wanna bring someone to orgasm if I'm horny... Masturbation helps me avoid all these situations is 9-13 easy minutes. Yes, I time myself. LOL

Ok.. I didn't really mean to write an entry about wackin off.. lol.. thats what happens when ya don't plan!

-C

Standards.. Part 2

Aiight, time to talk about standards some more. We most often here about standards when it comes to relationships but I think they are just as if not more important when it comes to friendships.

I speak in general sometimes... but today I'mma let yall in on a personal experience of mine that happened very recently..

I've mentioned Arielle before. We dated when I was 14. She was 18. That says a lot about her maturity level. My mother forced me to end the relationship. I was mad as hell at her at the time cause I thought I was ''in love'' but I appreciate what my mother made me do. My mother told me she was afraid of me getting hurt. I'm glad she saw it, because I sure didn't. My mom hates Arielle (and her mother) always has.. always will.

Anywho, thats the history of this sordid relationship.

Arielle and I have never really lost contact, despite our mothers wishes... The friendship is pretty good. I believe we stayed such good friends because we never had a physical relationship besides kissing. I haven't had a good relationship with an ex unless the physical was to a minmum. (I don't even speak to whatshername and the physical happened 3 times a day..) Which validates my theory that sex fucks things up even more..

Our friendship took a turn for the worse when I went to college. I'm really not sure why.. I have my theories.. tho.. At first she started talkin about she'd be with me if it wasn't for the distance.. then she started talking about we could never be together... I don't know what her motivation was.. cause I really don't think I ever tried to get at her. I'm a flirt. People misconstrue that a lot. It is true that neither one of us are willing to be in a relationship our mother's don't approve of and we do live in two seperate cities. But It's also true that I'm not attracted to her anymore. She doesn't have much of a personality and she's a horrible conversationalist. I realized a long time ago that she wasn't the one for me....

See recently, she'd get mad when she'd text my phone on a Thursday night and I told her that I was going out... Well... not get mad.. but like.. get an attitude. She'd ask way too many questions.. and I'd be way too honest. I just wanted her to understand that I have a life of my own and I'm not gonna sit around and mope about the likes of her especially when she made it clear that she wasn't interested... (( well, thats what her mouth said... her actions obviously said somethin else )) I always felt like she was tryna keep tabs on me.. and I HATE that shit. I'm lowkey.. half the time my mom doesn't even know that I'm coming home that weekend. I don't want everyone to know where I'm at.. I'm just private like that...

(Its taking me long to get to the standard part.. I'm sorry.. lol)

Then.. she stopped texting. Now, don't get me wrong. She was a great friend while it lasted, I could talk to her about a lot of stuff and not get judged.. But I think she was so open with my problems cause she wanted to know what I was doin and with who... I ain't stupid yall.. she just try to be slick.. lol.. (remind me to tell yall how my mom was tryna be slick..) Yall know what this bitch told me, "I'mma just let you text me first because you always busy.." WHAT?! This ain't one-sided.. I feel if you wanna tell a nigga ''hi'' or ''kiss my ass'', you can send it to me, just like I can send it to you. She must think she's more important than she is.. cause I'm done with the one-sided.. thats exactly what I told her..

So.. Now to the standards part...

I realized that I had to let her go cause she wasn't acting right. We need to hold our friends to standards because I've learned that friendship is VERY valuable and you can't let everyone get in on that. It's an easy way to get hurt and use up all of your energy. I was holdin up my end of the bargin.. Last week was spring break, I texted her tellin her to have a good day.. askin if we could chill.. I didn't get responses.. So I gave up. I'm not finna blow no nigga or bitch up. No one's that important. I even stopped texting my own sister and father cause they don't act right either... So she definitely got gave up on quick. It hurts yall, but in 2009 I chose to eliminate all things especially people that bring more negative energy than positive. I love the hell out of her, but she was bringing the negative energy in mass amounts and I can't deal with it. She's very immature and I pray that she grows up and can be a good friend to someone else in the future. I'm done with her.

My advice to you all on this lovely Monday.. is to think about what your standards are and evaluate your friendships.. Who's holding themselves up to your standards? Who ain't actin right? Who deserves you? Who doesn't?

-C

Easy like Sunday morning...

Ok, so I have to be at church in one hour and ten minutes.. I should be getting ready.. but... hey, I like blogging better so that's what I'mma do.

My spring break is unfortunately coming to a close. It was a vehicle for some much-needed rest. I should have been doing homework. But we both know that wasn't going to happen ;) On my way back to the Ville after church. I'm excited. I miss my hubby and my freedom.

Anywho, i'm very tired of being subject to lame game. This dude, I might've mentioned him before. Been tryna get at me. I know he doesn't have a chance. But I still talk to him anyway because I'm a bit entertained and it don't hurt the ego at all ;) He be sending me texts like "Hey Beautiful" and quoting Shakespeare.. My bullshit meter goes off when I get those. He might have a chance if he'd just TALK to me instead of trying to impress me. I will never be impressed if you ain't being yourself! Maybe I will be single for the rest of my life. Am I too picky?

Moving on...

My sleep schedule is all effed up. I went to the mall (aka hell) yesterday to buy my brother his birthday present (some flyy ass vans).. I got home around 5pm and slept till 9pm. I woke up and my mom tried to ask me if I was celibate on the slyy.. so funny... So, I texted my friend to see if we was going out that night and we were both wayy tired so we both decided to go to bed. I fell back asleep, then woke up at like 2.. texted a little... then went back to sleep.. woke up at 7.. See.. It's crazy. I hate it. I like sleep.. but I like a FULL 4 hours... atleast.

Anyhwo, this blog is kinda boring. LOL, I'mma right a blog entitled music tonight ;)

-C

therapy. alternively titled: Carrie's relationship requirements. 1st edition.

Spring Break day 3.

Went to therapy today.. Oh wait.. how rude of me. Hello world. I hate when people don't offer salutations. Hope everyone is having a good week.. and if you not, smack who ever's responsible for ya bad week, even if its yourself ;)

Anywho, i went to therapy today. It was good. I always mentally prepare myself for it. You know, go over the topics I wanna speak about.. but once I get on the couch, I kinda forget what I wanna say. Hmmm.. Don't know why. What'd we talk about? My love/hate relationship with alcohol, my hate-hate relationship with whats-her-face.. and my love/hate relationship with a very good friend of mine. I honestly think he's bringing me down yall.. but I just don't know how to say it. I don't even know where to begin. He manipulates me and certain situations so I'll stay in the box that he wants me in.

I hate it.

I told my therapist that I'm the free-spirit of my family. Among my cousins and siblings I'm the one with the dreads.. the tattoos.. the one that travels across the country alone.. I can't be held in a box. Only my own box.. and I don't have a box, cause I'm claustrophobic so.. I just don't like limits. Feel me? I need a friend who's gonna support my free-spirit-ness, I'll even go as far as to say that I need a free spirit to roll with me.. cause I love trying new thangs.. he don't ever want try nothing. Ugh.. makes me sick.

We also talked about why I'm not in a relationship. Apparently I'm still hurting from the relationship I just got out of. I would tell yall about that, but I want to keep it in the past. Just know I was took to the deepest depths of hell and back... I realize that I am still hurt. I still beat myself up for giving this poor excuse for a human into my heart and my body. It sucks real bad. I don't talk about it alot... But it bothers me. Bad. So yes, I'm still hurting and I'm in the midst of trying to find out just who Carrie is and what she wants/needs. I think I'mma list my relationship requirements just for my entertainment and your pity.. lol

Carrie's relationship requirements!! [1st edition. Volume 1. Issue 1. Part 1. Scene 1. lol.. ]

1. Confidence is key. I need someone who knows who they are and who they ain't. I need someone who won't change for me and who doesn't need me to tell them that they are the shiznit.

2. Nice teeth

3. Someone who needs their space as bad as I need mine.

4. "Loves music, loves art.. respects the spirit world and thinks with they heaaarrrttt." -India.Arie

5. A cuddler, who's very affectionate with their physical space and their words.

6. Someone I don't feel I don't gotta be cute around.

7. A nice ass.

8. Who's open-minded enough to go to a new club with me, try new food, listen to new music.. or just do something daring.

9. Someone who'll let me persue and romance them. I'm a nurturer. I need to be able to nurture.

10. Someone who talks and is open with their feelings. Communication is key!

Ten's a nice even numer. I could go on. Second edition coming soon. LOL

Well, what do yall think? Are my standards to high? Am I psycho? Am I OCD? Or am I so sane that you think you crazy? Let a nigga know.

-C

game

Last night my friend Eric took me out to get me some Old Chicago Pizza.. It was the bomb diggity. Couldn't finish it. Good for leftovers. Bomb.. Before that I got to hang out with my favorite girl Nakia aka Boniqua.. check out her blog [life of a tru virgo] she brings joy to my life.

Anywho, I'm sitting here watching Law and Order. I love this show. I always get the case wrong, and always try to figure it out nonetheless. LOL. My day was pretty cool woke up.. went for a run.. the weather is orgasmic.. came back, walked around in my draws till my mom got home from work, then we went to price her some breaks and some lamenent floors... random I know.. thats where I get it from. I friggin love my mom. We look like twins.. but we got different personalities.. fuels many arguments.. very entertaining to hear our conversations.

Ok, fellas... Puh-LEASE GET SOME GAME! Trust me, ladies appreciate it. They know its game. But the effort works in your favor. This dude is textin me begging to perform oral sex on me! Are you effing serious? He SAYS he wants to persue a relationship with me.. and clearly that ain't the way. The way to get me excited is through the mind, not through the... well.. you know.. hehe. Maybe thats why statistically I deal with women, because they actually TALK about whats on their minds and in their hearts. Its valuable information to me. But ladies.. sometimes yall talk too much... but thats a different entry for a different day.

Had a good talk with my friend Shalese today. We professed our feelings to one another.. Platonic feelings, yall. LOL..

You ever be hungry but don't wanna eat? No... yea.. i knew it was just me..

Well, UofL and UK, keep enjoying yall's spring breaks...

-C

Whats mine is mine?

Ladies.. Please getchu a copy of "Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. It's a GREAT book. Targeted to an audience thats a little older than my age group and heterosexual... BUT a great book for any relationship. Good to see the male perspective every once in awhile.



Oh, in case you didn't know.. THE 2009 BIG EAST CHAMPS ARE THE UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE CARDINALS!!! In case you ain't know... I go to school there, I'm proud. First time we won the Big East Conf... so excitable.



So, I like to be in control. I've learned this and I'm in the middle of writing a poem about it. My girl Faith and I had a talk about it.. She gave me good advice, told me to just "let it flow" I took it to heart, cause I haven't been writing poems lately.. and they used to come out like nothing..

Now, when someone asks me if I'm jealous, I simply say "Whats mine is mine"... which means, i'm possessive and I'll protect what is mine, but if it ain't mine... it ain't mine and I'm not concerned. I try not to get mad about what other people got, cause hey.. i got some good shit to.. and if there's something I thought was mine and, wasn't.. it's time for me to move on.

Recently, I've realized that I was treating someone who wasn't mine like they were mine. It's unhealthy. I saw my ex girlfriend (whom I've mentioned before) at the movies with her ex-girlfriend that we argued about the WHOLE time we were in a relationship. My first instict? I laughed. My second was to be a little jealous. But then, I thought about it. She ain't really who I wanna be with and I only still 'like' her because she was one of the first serious female relationships I had and she taught me a lot. I guess I feel an 'obligation'... But we can't be together.. cause... well, thats a laundry list of reasons.. One of 'ems I'm not attracted to her when it comes to personality.. lol

Anywho, the movie we went to see was "Last House on the Left" it was flippin' awesome! I loved the story, the motivation.. everything.. and it was gory. That's cool to... ;)

Wellp, time for me to enjoy my spring break.. Blog's might be more frequent this week since I ain't doin shit.. lol

-C

clubbin.

Ok.. So, let me vent real quick.. My last name is WILLIAMSON.. not "williams".. I HATE it hate IT hate it when people call me williams!

Anywho, I'm watching Ike and Tina's story on lifetime. The movie with Angela Basset and Laurence Fishburn. I LOVE this movie. Besides the whole domestic violence thing, Ike and Tina put out some good music and they paved the way for these jack-legged black musicians today. Now, Ike shouldn't have been hitting on her, and Tina shoulda just ate the cake... But, she came out a better woman. Looks like she can bench press a volvo.

Me and the husband Aaron (mentioned in the previous entry) are going to the club tonight. I'm glad, I been depressed lately and I just wanna dance the night away while feelin on girl's butts. Dancing is another form of therapy for me to. If it wasn't lent, I'd probably get a lil tipsy to, but thank God it is cause I don't need to be inebriated... how do you spell that?

I'm realizing that I'm growing apart from some people that I thought would be in my life forever. It's for the best because at times we just grow out of people but it's a little depressing. The old times were great. But when you're growing and others are not, it's hard to tolerate 'em you know?

Well, I'mma end it right here.. if you reading, comment and follow so I can follow your blog to ;)

-C

The gay male/female relationship.

Today church, I think I'm going to talk about the gay male/female friendship.

I think at one point ladies, we all need a gay male in our lives. Not everyone's lucky enough to have a gay brother like me.. lol.. But of course gay men are easy to come by.. I mean, I feel like I'm talking about them like pets.. but, I don't mean any harm. I love the kids..

Me and my friend Aaron met in August (Aaron's my facebook husband, he's conceited, he gotta reason) I guess he's my gay-friend. But I'm not the "Grace" to his "Will" For one, I ain't straight..lol. And two, I'm not in love with him.. [[But I am a bit self-absorbed like Grace..]]

Its good to have a male-perspective but that.. umm.. feminine companionship. When I'm with Aaron, I feel protected, I know that he's not going to let anything happen to me but on the otherside, I know he ain't gonna be tryna get in my draws or talking about every female with a big ass.. that kinda gets on my nerves when i'm with my hetero male friends.. [[ok.. aaron does talk about ass sometimes.. but you understand.. lol]] What I'm getting at is that is seems like bi and gay males have more respect for females.. and thats a quality that all of my friends need to have.

He's also a bomb-ass dancer. Like, when you dance with a straight guy.. he just stands there and puts his dick on ya back... Not cute.. I like to dance with someone who's dancing as hard as me. [[I feel a club entry coming on soon]] There's also the fashion-sense of course... I mean Aaron's color-blind like me.. but we still get things done. LOL He also gives me the male-perspective on my relationships and he gives me a level-head.

So yall feel me? Lots of benefits. And folks.. I know sexuality does not define us, but it is a large part of who we are. I mean, how do you make people? SEX! So with that said, I'm not Aaron's friend cause he's gay. I'm his friend because I love him and I think he's an amazing man. Aaron wasn't even out when I met him. Our friendship ain't based on our sexuality. It's based on our compalibility. We just.. click.

[I had Aaron's permission to write this..]

-C

Gravity

Good Night, yall... ya kno, on the islands they use "Good night" as a greeting? My haitian friend Winston hipped me to that. Just tryna learn ya some culture.

So, i was just in the bed but for some reason I had to get back up and write some thoughts down.. hope you don't mind reading.

So, there's this song by John Mayer called "Gravity".. some of the lyrics are..

Gravity is working against me..

and Gravity.. wants to bring me down

those are basically all I'll need to provide for this discussion.. but check out the song... Anywho, I don't know what John was going through when he wrote this song but its a very beautiful song. I listen to it when I'm feeling particularly depressed. It's like, gravity is ALWAYS there.. but for whatever reason regular circumstances just bother me. Suffering from depression is a battle. Yesterday was very rough. But I got through it, today's even better. It's just frustrating because you'd think taking 2 happy pills a day would help a nigga right? Wrong. There's no way I can treat every single symptom. So, I have to come up with my own ways to treat 'em... I might write a book. LOL

Today's my friend's Jesse's birthday. He unfortuantely passed away a year or two ago. He was an AMAZING young man. The first guy to ever get me something for Valentine's day. We were pretty tight in middle school and I'm saddened that the world didn't get his straight genuis for longer than 17 years.. but it's ok. God is sovereign.

My ex been acting real stank lately.. So yesterday, I'm walking out side my dorm to get a poptart and she gives me a dirty look, then today I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and she says "Hey Carrie" in a VERY sarcastic way. Now, I know that I'm hard to get over.. but I mean really. I'm not on it. Grow up.

Anywho, blogs that are coming soon "Equally Yoked" and "Love/Sex Part 2"

If this works right, you should be able to watch a vid of gravity... idk..

-C

Foolery.

*sigh* wooosaaahh..

Remember how I told you all that I had an engagement to sing at today? Well, it was a mess. I mean.. we sang good.. but so many things were going on in the church that shouldn't have been. Now, my intention is not to criticize any particular denomination and for that reason I won't name the church that we were at. I will say that I think we as Christians are too caught up in our denominations. I'm cool with anyone who belives that Jesus is the messiah and that He is THE way to Jesus. The bible only speaks of THE church anyway. THE church is God's elect. Of course, we can't build one building for all of Christ's followers but I do think there should be less isolations between the denominations which are man-made anyway. I'm digressing..

Anywho, there were so many things wrong with this service. This particular church has many jurisdictions, districts, bishops.. all that.. Which is cool but there was too much recognizing this person and that person. I believe that GOD should get the MOST recognition in church and that just wasn't happening. After awhile, I was done clapping for people. When I'm in church, I'm using my energy to Praise God..

Secondly, these liturgical dancers came out.. It was like the gospel America's Best Dance Crew. They had a mastermix.. and diva, chopped n skrewed, please don't stop the music, and ring leader was mixed in there! NOT IN CHURCH! There are gospel artists that provide dance-able music (Tye Tribett, Kirk Franklin) we shouldn't have to hear the top 40's in church!

Then.. yall ready? Cause this is when I knew I wasn't gonna get no praise on.. He talked bad about my president yall! He said these EXACT words "Barack Obama smokes, and you can't get into Heaven smoking..." Ok.. lets not address this the President yet.. cause he definitely just lied on Jesus.. I was so upset at this.. The ONLY way to get to Heaven is through beliving in Jesus Christ. Don't nobody send me no hate-mail and try to disagree with me because I'm telling the TRUTH. If I don't believe in anything, I know that Jesus is the way, the truth and the light.

That being said.. what black man in his right mind would say anything negative about the President?!

OH! and then when it came time for offering he was like "I'mma ask everyone to give $20"... WHAT?! Who is he to tell us what to give? God already told us that in the bible (%10)... Ugh.. I'm so done with the foolery in church.

I'm so upset, I'm listening to John Mayer radio on Pandora. LOL crazy..

OK.. I'm calm. thanks for reading. I needed to get that off my chest.

Be easy.

-C

Shout-Outs.

"I used to wake up some days and wish I stayed asleep...
Cause I went to bed on top of the world..
Today the world's on top of me..."

That's exactly how I felt this morning. Man, this depression thing is a battle. It sucks but I'm going to try to get through it cause I have to sing today. Oh.. I sing with The University of Louisville Black Diamond Choir. Where my altos? holla!!! LOL

Let me shout-out all of yall who've left me some love in the form of a comment. Nakia, Jordan, Sabrina, Billy D., the wonderful lady who writes the blog entitled Don't be a Slut.. [please check it out.. good read-age.. good wisdom] and Haylee.. I really apprecitate it guys. It means much that yall would take some time out of your life to comment on my words.

If you're reading my blog, follow it so I can follow yours. I just wanna know who's readin my ish!

Birthday Shout-Outs.. My neighbor since I was like 8 turned 21 yesterday... Happy Birthday Taylor! And my good friend in Arizona, Ashley turned... hmm.. 22 maybe? Maybe 21.. Hell, idk.. LOL.. Happy Birthday Ashley!

I'll write a real blog later, just had to take care of some house-keeping.

Ok, well.. I'm about to go get some eat-age and sing-age on. Oh.. the tiny dangerous one looked feirce last night.

-C

My perogative!

I feel like its been a minute. Let me go head and give yall some read-age.

I went to the club with the Louisville crew Thursday. It was fuckin fun as hell! I LOVE dancing. The djay was jammin. But I do feel that there are somethings I should address as far as songs and the club go... hold on.. lemme get in a comfortable position.. Ok...

1. If over half of the club is drunk, do not put on the cupid shuffle. Line dances are only good sober while people still have they rhythm. Other wise, it's a whole bunch of sweaty people bumping into each other... which is funny to watch but not funny to be in the middle of.

2. Techno is for the birds.. I believe this music was created for people who had no rhythm. You ain't gotta have it to dance to techno, plus there are no words. When techno comes on and I'm expected to dance to it.. I feel like a broke-down actor. Where's my motivation?

3. Which leads me to my next point.. Hip-Hop is powerful. It don't matter where you at or who you are. Your party goes to a.. um... crunker if you will.. level of hype if some Hip-Hop. You can't get that with Pop or Techno.. I might sound biased because hey.. I do love Hip-Hop.. but it's true. Go to a party and see..

4. Fellas... GET SOME GAME! Maybe, I'm growing up.. but I hate to be at a party and a guy just comes up behinds me.. puts his dick on my back and expects me to be ok with that and dance with him. I feel like if you wanna dance with me.. you need to introduce yourself, ask me my name and then.. ask me to dance. This one's from my experience in the club Wednesday... That club's a younger crowd. On Thursday, a guy came up to me and said, "Excuse me ma'am. On the next song would you like to dance with me?" I was like so taken aback... Someone who's actually polite in 2009?! So yes.. I danced with him. The fact that he was muscular and had a beautiful smile helped to.. hehehee...

5. Djay, it is ok to slow it down! The art of slow dancing does not exsist in clubs anymore! A slow song gives you a chance to spit game for real. Not to mention if all you play is fast songs, a nigga gets tired!

6. Djay, taking us back to the old school is almost necessary. Last night the Djay played "My perogative" then "Gin N Juice".. I was so geeked. The crowd will appreciate you much more if you throw a lil old school in there.

Ok... I fear that this is getting a lil long.. So let me end it.. But let me end with this.. BOBBY BROWN of New Edition did My Perogative FIRST! BEFORE BRITNEY! The white people in the club were so surprised to hear this nigga singing it. I'm like really?! Yall think Britney came up with that shit?? No.. It's Bobby Bitch!

-C

Every time the beat drop...

So I just realized that this blog is turning into one about love/relationSHITS/sex.. Which is ok. But I feel like I should shake it up a little.. Well, I did talk about alter-egos so that works.

Anywho, I got my depression pill. Just took it, so I hope it works for me cause I got two tests to take today. Man, i sound psycho don't I? The thing is, the are lots of symptoms to depression.. Way more than just being depressed. Makes you sleepy, lathargic.. blah blah.. Yall kno I love sleep... And the depression makes me REAL sleepy like all the time.. so the med that I'm on kinda balances things out. It doesn't make me like energetic or nothing, just makes me normal. I felt I needed to explain.. hope yall understand.

So, I'm on pandora... [pandora.com] and its playing Single Ladies.. Now yall already know I love me some Beyonce.. but they play the hell outta her songs. I never thought I'd be tired of it! And I can't fast-forward just because of the principle of it all. Ugh.

Well, I have two Bio tests today. Teachers be trippin, I kno. Pray for me.


Oh, my title is a Monica song.. Is it just me or do all Atlanta artist's songs sound alike?

-C

I don't have a plan B. Alternatively Titled: The connection (or lack there of) between love and sex.

*Listening to Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor" I love Lauryn. Her songs always pull at my heart strings and make me think about shit. She's one of the rare singers that actually sing about things that are personal to her. I wish there were more Lauryn's and Mary's.. I need music to cry to.

Anywho, I credit the title of this entry to Dr. Cosby the pastor of Louisville's St. Stephen Church. His sermon was so great. It was touching. It was basically about prayer. He used it from the perspective of being bilingual. Speaking the language of your culture and speaking the language of prayer. Wonderful. I shed a couple of tears. So touching.

So today church, I'll be speaking about love and realtionships. This will probably be like a four part ummm... series if you will.. Number one will be the connection (or lack of) between sex and love, Numbers two, three and four will be Carrie's keys to a successful relationship... I might be exaggerating so don't be disappointed if it turns out to be 2 parts.

Anywho, Let me preface this by saying I don't think I've ever been in love. Since I'm not sure about it, lets just say I haven't. I loved Arielle, but I was 14. So.. puppy-love if you will. I kno I just fucked up my credibility but you here now so you might as well finish reading. I'm simply speaking from what I see in my friend's (and at times my) situations.

If I had to define love, I'd say that it was a very strong positive feeling about someone, the willingless to invest yourself whole-heartedly to this person, the willingless to let them hurt you, and the willingless to sarifice.

If I had to define sex, I'd say it's 1 person using another person to bust a nut.

Now do you see the connection? Cause I sure don't!

I think in a perfect world sex would be the physical way in which we express our love to the object of our affection but this world ain't perfect! Plenty of people are sexing but not many are LOVING. First of all as the poem says (check out my first entry) you can't love with your dick. Now, I've never gotten dicked down (19-year-old virgin entry on another day) but I've had some good sex with some women... No matter how good it was, I never thought to myself "This girl's pussy is so good, I'm falling in love with her." LOL!! see, i couldn't even keep a straight face when I was giving an example. Nor have a been sexing someone and said to myself "I'mma give it to 'em so good, they gonna love me!" It just doesn't work like that...

But let me tell you what has happened.

I've seen the way someone talks to their mother and thought that I could love 'em. I have fallen in love with a smile. I was with a guy once and we were watching Click, I cried like a baby and he was crying to. I could see myself loving that. I've really dug the way someone squeezes my hand when I'm walking away. Eye contact, a kiss on the forehead, or a mix CD full of love songs. That's love shit. Yall know what made Michelle fall in love with Barack? The way he interacted with the people. She fell in love with him when he was working in the Chi and giving a speech to people who needed him. I've been told that I was love-able because of the way children responded to me.

It's all about the PERSON you are. Realness, thats what makes me fall in love, and thats what has made people fall in love with me. I love kids and they love me. They bad as hell but I guess i'm pretty patient with 'em. Because all they are is a little me. They need guidance and understanding. They need to be talked to. That's who Carrie is. At the end of the day, thats what made someone see themselves loving me.. Not my bomb ass bedroom skills ;)

I think if there's a separation between the two, then it'd be eaiser to make a better connection. But the love has to come FIRST. I got to fall in love with you before I can make love to you. I've had sex and looked down and be like 'wow, i really dig this mofo' and the sex is more passionate when the love is a factor so I can see that connection but love and sex don't happen simultaneously. That's where I think people get confused.

What do YOU think? Leave a nigga comment

-C