#shoutouts to Gmail

Because Gmail experienced some suspicious activity on my account, they closed my shit. So, now I'm at collegekidd.tumblr.com. Holla at a playa... oh.. follow me on twitter to @collegekidd

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The burden of a bisexual.

I don't really like to put a label on my sexuality... but for the sake of time and where I'm going with this, We'll call myself 'bisexual' today. I don't like it because there are many connotations to the word that just don't fit me. I never really said to myself 'hey, i like girls and boys'.... I never really made a decision about my sexuality.. It just was. I'm forced to address it because it doesn't meet the status quo. At times I wish I never woulda said anything, but the respect I get for being myself far outweighs any burden I may have. Also, I've helped many people come to terms with their own selves and it saves lives.. I know it saved mine.

Anywho, what I came to talk about was some of the stuff I've experienced because I'm "bisexual"...

Example 1: The Side Dip
For whatever reason, older women always do this to me.. I don't mean older like 40... I just mean older like 7 or 8 years my senior. Old enough to be my peer in some situations but still probably too old to be romantic with me. I entertain them anyway. Why? Well... hey... if you saw them you'd understand.

These women have boyfriends or in some cases husbands. Sometimes they hit me with the 'we're in an open relationship' speech or just straight up tell me they don't want hubby to know about me. Now, iIve been in a situation where the female told me that her dude was ok with her having 'girlfriends' and I really liked her so I lowered my standards to get next to her. Turned out to be the worse heartbreak of my life. Do I wanna talk about it? No.

The thing about it is, these women are probably closeted lesbians who have boyfriends 'cause... well for whatever reason... and want me to fufill their lesbian fix on the side.. Well, I'm not cut out for the side dip. Its funny 'cause when I let 'em know they kinda get upset

Translation:. "Why aren't you ok with me disrespecting you?"

One girl even told me I had issues with MY sexuality... She was the one with a mad boyfriend and a mad girlfriend... and I got issues.

The thing about open relationships is.. they aren't relationships at all. If you decide to be in a relationship with someone, then be in a relationship with someone. If you aren't satisfied, don't call it open. You're only wasting your time. Someone will get hurt, someone will get jealous, humans are programmed to be in pairs. Someone will be neglected, someone will be the third wheel. Everyone will end up alone.

Example 2: The Threesome
Yall already know where I'm going with this. I get asked to be apart of 3somes often. More and more lately for some reason... Its funny 'cause either the man or woman approaches me at first and it never fails always asks if i'm "JUST into girls.." I always smirk and tell the truth "Naw... I like boys too... " Then they try to ease their mate into the conversation. I entertain well, for entertainment. It's usually 2 very unattractive people that I wouldn't touch with your fingers...

I'm all about sexual liberation. Can't say that I haven't been in a menage a trois or two in my day..

But I don't wanna be the bisexual girl fantasy. I have too much to offer for that... and as I get older, I'm just not down with shit like I used to be...

Example 3: The Pressure not to tell the girl I like boys.. or vice versa. 
On the rare occasion that I do get serious with someone, I always don't wanna tell 'em I'm bisexual. Or whatever... People are insecure.. you know at times you have to cater to their insecurities... But hey, I figure if  you gonna be my dip, you can know I like both right? Its a part of me, granted a (bigger than) small part of me but its a part.

One female hated the fact that I liked guys. She literally wanted me to call myself a lesbian for her to feel better. I told her that if I wasn't satisfied with her, I was going to cheat regardless, even if I put the lesbian sticker on.. #kanyeshrug

Guys, well.. they never really get upset.... But then example 2 comes into play.. and I become 'the mate'

-----------

So, any of my other bisexual readers have that issue? My lesbian friends HATE when I talk about guys... My straight female friends, they don't seem to mind... they probably do, I guess. Hum...

I'm on a 24 hour twitter/fbook fast. So I can't promo this entry... yet.

#nowplaying:. "So Anxious" Genuwine

-CK

Interracial relationships: Why I can't adjust.

In a perfect wonderful world, love would be blind. I really want us to be able to love across gender and color lines. We can, but regardless, it'll be political. Why?

The world is not perfect.

I am not perfect.

That being said. The black man/white female relationship is very political.. regardless of if the two are genuinely in love. Any time a black person dates outside of their race (especially white tho) its political. I dunno how it is with other ethnicities. Wouldn't be surprised if there was controversy involved. The thing I realize the white woman who loves a black man has to deal with is the black females involved in said black male's life. His sisters, cousins, mother, sister, aunts, friends... A black man who's in a relationship with a white woman will always get flack from the black females in his life.. regardless of if she's around or not.

Church, I have two examples then I'mma get outta your way..

Example 1
My cousin (our grandmothers are sisters so we aren't that close) is married to a white woman. Yesterday I saw a spider. Deathly afraid of spiders. I screamed. My mommy killed it for me. We had a funeral for the spider.. Anyway... I put on my fbook that "I screamed like a #whitegirl" at the sight of the spider. My cousin's white wife commented and said "watch it with the white girl jokes.. "

For her sake, I hope she was joking.

The thing is, my cousin was the one who chose to date a white woman. I talk about white people. I can't adjust because of his relationship. Not going to.

Example 2
I just came from seeing "Nightmare on Elm Street" with some homies... I give it 2.5 stars. Friends and I went to waffle house good friend of mine from highschool is "engaged" to this white girl. I again said something about white girls and my friend said.... "Yo.. you can't say that... " Being the asshole I am I raised an eyebrow and said "Why not?"

Like I said, I COULD make an effort to do better.. but the whole defiant black woman mentality gets the best of me. By no means am I jealous. Both white women are fat and unattractive. One guy's my cousin, one's a closet case... But I just don't feel like I should adjust in my laidback non-political life. I'm political for a living. Not while at home.. Not on facebook or at wafflehouse. Not politically correct when I'm relaxing. Sorry...

Am I an ass?

#nowplaying:. My Band" D-12.

-CK

Promo.. showing love.

Hey yall, I don't promote the people I love enough in this blog. Last night I went to Poetry in Motion put on by my boy @DevineCarama. He's not only a friend but a DOPE emcee. Go to his website here listen to his music and enjoy. He's one of those rappers that make you wanna listen to what he's saying.. He's gotta Lupe/Tupac flow.

I got on the mic and did my poem entitled A Drunken Dream. I hadn't been on the mic since highschool. I was mad nervous but very liberated. I had been frustrated that day and expressing yourself is one of the best forms of therapy. Good stuff.

Ah yes.. and its the second Wednesday of the month you know what that means?! Black Girl Day!! I'll take this opportunity to say Peace to the memory of a black girl who has paved the way for many of us.. Mrs. Lena Horne. I was so bummed to hear of her death. Here's a vidy of her singing stormy weather.

Just a little promo. Watching Tyra.. this man has a vagina.. and I'mma throw up.

-CK

Generation Rushing

By no means am I an expert on this subject...

I feel like my generation is rushing into things. Every other day, someone's having a baby.. and 3 of the kids I graduated with have even gotten married! Now, we graduated 2 years ago in 2008 and the oldest of us is 20... Isn't this the time where we're supposed to be 'sowing our royal oats' in a sense? I'm not saying fucking everybody or anything like that, but I AM saying you have to discover yourself before you can make a commitment to someone else.. or hell, make someone else.

Take it from me, late teens and early twenties are a selfish people... We can get married and have babies all we want.. We're still selfish because we're young and thats what we're supposed to be. I see it especially among young mothers that are my peers. They still are going to act their age... which to me in turn causes their child to be neglected in a sense.

No disrespect intended at all to young mothers... Just saying that I see...

Young mothers still be in the club, going on road trips and shit (doing what young people do).. and where's ya child? At home with their grandmother, aunt.. or whomever.. Its not fair. My mother had me when she was way past 20.. and i'm so thankful. I feel like I'd resent her if my 3 year old self had to share her with her immaturity. There's a time for everything. I'll go as far to say that younger than 25 is NOT the time to have a child..

Not to mention your ass don't have a degree, job, money, a house... you know.. shit you need for a child. I'mma tell my children you don't have the RIGHT to have a child if you're still living in my house. At 50 or so I plan on traveling and shit... not fucking with my grandchildren... Man, my kids gon hate me...

And marriage... Not nearly as many of my peers are getting married as are having babies.. (which is some backwards ass shit) but to me, marriage is serious. I feel like if you wanna dress up and have a party, thats what prom is for. Don't get married because you like someone alot. What is love anyway? At 20, I'm  not the woman I'll be at 30.. you're not the man you'll be in hell, 5 years.. and our older selves might not be compatible so why make a vow to stay together until death? Hell, lets try to stay together until next week...

I have mad respect for people handling their buisness at this age... but by no means am i jealous.

What do yall think?


#nowplaying:. "Forever" Drake

-CK

In an effort to do better...

I know, I need to #dobetter.. The end of the semester just got a little hectic.. Plus tweeting all day takes away from my blog inspiration. So, as my readers... I feel like yall should hook me up with some topics you'd like me to 'go in on' as the kids say. Yes, my blog is by me and ultimately for me, but I do want you the reader to enjoy and get something out of it.. So.. what would you like to see me write about? Get at me on twitter @collegekidd.. or e-mail me if you not a tweeter... cagwilliamson@gmail.com

It has been brought to my attention that someone was offended by one of my blog posts. I live by the principle that if someone is upset or mad at me, I must be doing something right. I never come to my blog to intentionally start drama, I don't try to make people mad. But like I said its MY blog. Said person thought I was talking about them and in turn stopped talking to me... So I asked a mutual friend a few weeks ago and she told me asshole was offended by my blog.. Now, in said blog entry I was calling someone out for being wrong.. I feel like if you don't want to be called out for being wrong, don't be wrong!

Not to mention, I wasn't even talking about her. I mean... If I offend you, why not just come to me? Thats what I do, I just let you know, we cool, but you offended me and don't do it no more.. It really doesn't have to be that serious. We ain't gotta stop talking, fight, whatever.. Cause you probably weren't trying to offend me and wasn't even aware. To me it isn't that serious.. If she doesn't care enough about the friendship to come to me and talk it out. I guess I don't either. #kanyeshrug

Just a lil short blog for yall, what do yall think I should do? Talk to her? Don't even tell me to apologize, cause I don't know how to feel remorse.

IIght, yall.. Get to thinking about dem topics that you want me to go in on. <3

#nowplaying: "So High" John Legend..

-CK

Golden Pussy Syndrome

Whats up, yall? 

I went to see Midnight Star and EnVogue in concert last night. They were amazing! The best time I've had in awhile. I love live music and they're two of my favorite groups. EnVogue did an old school medley. I went INNNN! Then when Midnight Star did "No Parking on the Dance Floor"?? Maann! Hubby & I had a great time. 

Anywho, yall already know what I'm here for to clock the tea on these females. It all used to get to me, but its kinda funny now when I take the emotion out of a situation and look at things objectively. If you never take anything from my blog, take that. Take the emotion out of ANY situation and see if some special light isn't shed on it. 

Its funny how people who take advantage of you will try to convince you that they aren't taking advantage of you.. I told this girl she treated me like a plan B.. and she asked me why and I told her why then she was like 'you shouldn't feel that way'.. and i'm just like ok.. I give you evidence of why you treat me a certain way and all you have to say is that i shouldn't feel that way? Goes to show you know you're treating me that way and don't plan on stopping. 

Which is fine to be perfectly honest, but the thing about her is.. she wants to be put on a pedastal... but wants to treat me any old way. It just doesn't work like that. Yall, I tried to be ok with disrespect, I really did.. for months. But I just couldn't. I'm too big of a deal, too fine, too smart, too loving.. too.. alot of things. 

Women have the "Golden-Pussy Syndrome"... (before yall get mad, myself included) Its not a bad thing necessarily.. but it is irritating... it can be.  *sigh* getting my thoughts together while writing is so hard.. plus all this pakalolo I been smoking... 

Anywho, my point is women have a false sense of entitlement (men do, but its different and not as complex, I'll talk about it later... )  From the time we are little girls, we are told that we're princesses, queens of the world, run shit, whatever.. and some 30+ year old women think thats how it is. Nevermind the fact that you have to be intelligent, respectful.. what have you.. put on some tight jeans and a long weave in and you can get whatever you want. That mentality will be the death of us. Now, no one appreciates a nice looking well put together woman more than I do.. but there's gotta be more to you. 

Women think that they're womanhood will get them anywhere.. and with a lesser man than me? It might. I'm a natural pleaser.. and I'mma just do it regardless.. but damn, can I get treated nice to? A stigma of being a woman that loves women is that I can't deal with being treated like a man... You can treat a man any old way.. Long as you suck his dick, he's iight.. Now, by all means suck my dick.. but then you gotta treat me nice.. Damn.. 

I feel that my thoughts are scattered.. but oh well, you ain't gotta read.. 

Thats just one example of 'Golden Pussy Syndrome'.. the most typical one is of course throwing good pussy at someone and then expecting them to still respect you. Pussy doesn't equal respect... Matta fact, it might make me not respect you.. I intentionally try to fuck every girl the first time I chill with her just to see... Push me away, tell me no.. I like that shit.. Don't just throw it at me. 

People with a Pussy need to realize, Golden Pussy syndrome works best when you DON'T pull ya pussy out.. #justsayin. 

What do yall think? 

Song of the Day:. "Complicated Melody" 

#shoutouts to my lover @thewildseed.. follow her on twitter.. but not too closely, 'cause she all mine.. 

-C 

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Gay & Black. Not the same.

Morning, yall. I know it might not be morning when ya read, but its morning as I write.. and morning somewhere.. So a nigga is relevant..

Church, I came to blog about why gay rights are not like those of black rights. Why? you say would I blog about this? Because as a young activist, the two biggest groups I advocate for are queer folks and those of color... White gay men in particular think that just because they are gay they are 'down' or something... It is a big insult when (black) civil rights are put in the timeline of gay rights. Frankly, its not the same movement and not the same impact.

There have been a couple of instances on the yard where again a white gay man tries to make the word "Faggot" the same as "Nigger"... or compares the civil rights movements of black people to those of gay people. For one, being gay and being black isn't the same thing.

As a queer woman of color, black is who I am... 'gay' is who I happen to be boning at the time.

When I walk into a room, you see my chocolate skin, my locs, my booty, my lips, my nose.. you see a black woman. You do NOT see a gay woman. You can't cause well.. I can't gay.. lol.. and two, I can't wear my most intimate desires on my sleeve. Gay people have the privilege of hiding that they are gay if they want. It's a convenience as a black woman, I wish I had.

But on a larger scale, the histories of black people and gay people are different. Enslavement was a long time ago, but it still affects us and puts us as a people under white privilege, gay people haven't had to go through that. For one, gay people have been around forever and have their own clubs, tv networks, movies, all of fashion and culture in general. There's a place for gay people in society, a small place, but hell a place. You want a straight interior designer, or make-up artist? I think not..

Who do black people have? Al Sharpton and Tiny & Toya..

Gay people never had to drink out of different water fountains, use different bathrooms, go to the back door of a restraunt to get their food, sit on the back of a bus, or fight in wars for a country that sees them as 2/3s of a person. Frankly, gay people chose to be discriminated against because they chose to say they're gay. There are plenty of queer folk in the closet because they don't particularly wanna be discriminated against.

My point is, its very offensive when gay people try to jump on the nigga bandwagon because they want to be able to get married and adopt children.... Hell, its very offensive when ANYONE tries to jump on the nigga bandwagon. Why in HELL would you want to get married or have kids anyway?! LOL

Opinions?

Song:. "Mad" Neyo

-C

A Drunken Dream.. [poem]

Hey yall, here's a poem I wrote yesterday to keep from dying from boredom at this forum. Comments are welcome <3

A Drunken Dream…

In a drunken dream

you came to me

and in your beautiful brown eyes

I could see

Tears ‘cause of me…

told me you felt deceived

‘cause the lack of affection

you had received from me.

And in my sleep

I felt my heart-beat

speed

increase

I felt myself get upset ‘cause

to all of my affections

you are the object.

and I never wanna

see my face in your

tears reflect.

So upset I was pulled

out of my drunken dream

and as my sleep ceased

I realized the tears belonged to me…

© 2010.

On to the next...

I don't like blogging while mad... and Idk if mad is even an accurate word for how I feel... and the medicine might be the only reason I'm calm.. *sigh* Lets get right into it shall we?

For whatever reason.. (I have my theories) a lot of females have been getting at me this semester. I'm flattered... I promise I am.... I mean, no ugly girls either yall.. pretty brown girls with big booties beautiful smiles and jobs and shit... So... this blog is for any and everyone trying to win my affections... I'mma let yall know some very important facts...

IF you just want to fuck me? Don't come at me like you wanna date me... A physical relationship with me does not involve mind games. It involves you being honest, discrete and respectful. Let me know you want to fuck, why, how you like it and provide me with a copy of negative STD tests and we'll get going. But don't come at me like you want me to cuff you (is that the right term?) and then I hit it and you front me on the yard... You don't have to trick me into hitting that... To me, its just not that serious.

I'm hedonistic, and I love a good workout..

Second, require more of me. Please. I'm a dog... and if you don't require my respect? You won't get it. It's so attractive when a woman makes it hard for me. I want to pursue you.. I want to fail once or twice, makes it that much better when I win your affections. If I know I CAN hit it, I probably will and then I'll *yawn* and frankly be done..

Third, sexuality is a very sensitive subject and I understand that its not easy for brown girls to say they like girls too.. By no means do I want you to wear your sexuality on your sleeve, but if you want everyone to believe you gotta dick in your mouth, don't get at me... How am I supposed to feel if you're in my bed and I'm being fronted on the yard? I'm a dog but I got feelings too! I'm soooooo tempted to call people out sometimes... be like... "You can't speak? Did you not have a hand and mouthful of the Kidd last night?"

Just some things I've encountered yall... By no means have I shed tears or lost sleep over any of the scenarios above... I just wont be disrespected and again.. Won't be letting things slide. I tweet, blog and fbook about them.. but I confront them face to face too..  I see them all as training for who I'm really supposed to be with.. and if you don't think I already know who she is.. I do. #shoutouts to "Juliet" I'll be under your window tonight :)

Song of the Day: "Three Letter Word

-C

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It's NOT ok to be Fat.

Peace to you, my readers.. Its a beautiful day outside.. My fone says its 78 degrees, and there's not a cloud in the sky.. I got on flip flops, yall.

Anywho, I'mma talk about a little pop culture. We live in a very vain society where white and skinny is put on a pedastal.. Within the last few years.. women like Monique and Queen Latifah have tried to give us a more realistic view of what beauty is.. As a black woman that where's a size 16 pants, and has 38 DD's.. I appreciate it.. BUT.. Shit, I'm really trying to choose my words... Ok, fuck it..

Its not ok to be fat.

I always try to look at things objectively, especially when they directly affect me. I want to jump on this "Phat Girl" bandwagon, but I can't. Not when my cousin just lost his damn foot because of diabetes and my grandmother, God rest her soul.. Lost her whole damn leg.. The thing is, black people struggle with things like diabetes and hypertension, and while some of us will never be a size 6, we don't need to be a size 26, either.

Everyone's skeleton is relatively the same size... Meaning, we're made to carry a certain amount of weight... Put ten blocks of concrete in a car, see if your shocks ain't fucked all the way up.. Carry an extra 50 lbs and wonder why ya ankles hurt.

So, while I respect Monique and hold her at a high regard because as a brown girl with thighs, I could look to her as a role model, I don't think it should give us permission to eat.. NOT TO MENTION, Monique lost a lot of weight herself..

What are yall's thoughts?

#nowplaying:. "Spirit of God" Youthful Praise

-C

Whats a goon to a gobblin?

I know I know.. I been slacking... but you won't miss me if I write err day!

Church, today I'mma talk about hip-hop... more specifically rappers.. MC's... Now everybody's a rapper.. everybody gotta mix tape... for whatever reason I'm always being asked to listen to somebody's shit.. maybe cause i'm honest or a music aficionado.. either way.. I love rap music. I love words and I think they can be manipulated to be beautiful art.. but a beat and 16 bars does NOT make a song.

It just gets old, everyone's always rapping about the same thing, making money, getting pussy, hustlin... thats fine.. But isn't art supposed to be an imitation of life? Everyone's not doing that... I just feel like if you'd rap about day to day stuff people would identify better. I like music that I can dance to in the club, but what about when I'm on my way to a boring ass class ya know? Or something to wind down to after a long day? I can't wind down to the Wacka Flacka... ok.. Naw, I don't even like him and he will never get the honor of being on my iPod.. Ok, so I can't wind down to Wayne.. and I LOVE him.. "We Be Steady Mobbin'" is my SHITTTT!! But it always gets me hype!

The point I'm trying to make is I think that there's a time and place for everything.. and while "My Chick Bad" (Ludacris) is good, we need more Commons and Black Thoughts.. That rap about intellectual stuff or hell, even love. Everything sounds the same to me.

I just feel like we should get past 'getting money', 'whats a goon to a goblin', 'it aint trickin if you got it'... thats just not my reality.. and its fine if it is yours, but I see a lot of rappers rapping about that stuff when they're intellectual asses are in class with me. It all seems real fake to me.

"Man I promise,she so self conscious.... she has no idea what she doing in college... the major that she major in won't make no money.. but she won't drop out... her  parents'll look at her funny.."

Something I can totally relate to..

Whatchall think?

#nowplaying:. "Get Em High" Kanye and Talib

-C

Disrespect. Part 2?

Let me remove the cobwebs...

Hey yall, Its been a while but I just been spring breaking it. I had an epic St. Patty's day. Went over my white boy's crib.. played beer pong, we're undefeated, who wants us?! Wasn't hungover, thought I was going to be. Almost killed myself on a mint on the way over, but I got it together. Thanks to the Cane's fruit punch....

Anywho, lets talk about disrespect for a minute yall.... Now yall know the theme for 2010 is not to let things slide, right? Well, a friend of mine seems to lose my number unless she wants something. Her actions tell me she knows she's wrong but 'sorry' or 'i was wrong' or 'my bad' is not in her vocabulary. So... last week sometime she texts me of course asking for something.. Now church, I had previously texted her twice that week, not important shit.. but I coulda got a 'hi' back... Initially, I wasn't going to respond, but she put a smiley face after the message and it got under my skin for some reason. So, in the nicest way I knew expressed my disdain at her trying to take advantage of all this good friendship I've been offering with no reciprocity.... she (as she always does) dismissed my feelings.

But, my feelings weren't hurt, ya know? I have been asking God to deliver me from any control she had over my emotions and He did. I mean, I put my all too fast into friendships and I always feel hurt and disappointed. I thought she'd be a life long friend but the relief I have now that I could take her or leave her?

I might be about to sound cliche but I always want to help whoever's reading. My view of friendships has really changed since college... People are fickle, flakey, and fake. 97% of the time who you're dealing with is only going to have 15 minutes of spotlight in your life and they need to be treated as such. My problem is that I deal with people until their 27th minute when the expiration date on us was up long ago. I know I'm a good friend... and not everyone needs to be exposed to it.. for my own sanity.

Disrespectful situation #2 and on a lighter note... I didn't mean to preach to yall. LOL..

Men... If you want to chill with a young lady.. Do NOT text her at ten till midnight like its ten till noon and ask her what she's up to. This has happened to me twice this week from the SAME nigga.. I haven't responded to any of his texts and he still hasn't got the hint. Now, there's only so much I'll be up to that close to midnight and if its not sleep, you obviously weren't invited. I don't think men understand how wack they look at these desperate ass bed texts. If you want to chill with a girl, I'm pretty sure the cut off is around 7:45 pm.

Because of my lifestyle, I don't know why my standards of manhood are so traditional... But they are.. and even when I'm romantic with ladies, I hold myself to that same standard... why yall think I gotta harem?! #pow. Just playing ladies...

 Iight, off to enjoy my weekend, I suppose.

-C

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Happy Black Girl Day!

As If I don't talk about them enough... Lately I been being mean to yall, but I only talk about you 'cause I worship your footsteps. My twitter sister ('twister'?)  @sistertoldja got this day going.. Check it out here...

I'm going to talk about some black women who have been influential in my life...

First of all, lets talk about my momma.. She raised (who am I kidding? is raising) my brother and I by herself... She is honestly one of my best friends. I talk to her everyday about school and she talks to me everyday about work... She's the biggest influence of my life and taught me a long time ago that I will never need a man or anyone else to validate who I am. She's the reason that I got perms and the reason that I never will put a chemical in my head again. She was the first woman in our family to go natural when I was 8 or 9.. and since I wanted to be just like her, I did too. I'm so thankful she showed me that the kinky thick ass hair that grew outta my head was beautiful. She blessed me with my good looks and my temper ;) Now if only I could convince her to be on my reality TV show...

Under the umbrella of my mother's influence is her older sisters. My aunties!! Those are some special friends for real yall. My aunt has her PhD in social work and raised my cousin (one of the greatest men I know.. who has his masters in engineering) my herself. She's the reason I know I gotta get a degree in SOMETHING. Again, taught me that I don't need a man to be happy and that everything might not necessarily go as planned but life goes on...

Oh black women.. I just get full talking about you.. and I haven't even got to those who aren't related to me yet... 

Some famous black women that have inspired me are... 

Maya Angelou... her poetry brings me to tears.. As a sophomore reading her book "Caged Bird" my life changed. I haven't been the same since. She's coming to my city next month. If I get to see her, I'll faint. LOL

Monique... yes, she's a bit ignant. But looking at her success helps thick black girls like me know that we don't have to be skinny or light to be successful. 

Jill Scott... her lyrics show that you don't have to be trashy to enjoy sex. Half the people don't even know she's talking about getting it from the back in her song "Epiphany"

"Flip side, stomach meets sheets.. and he plows inside as if he's making beats... "

I love black women so much, some times I don't even realize I am one ;)

I'm hungry and I need to clean a bit so I'm wrapping it up.... From your thighs, to your eyes... black women.. I worship you... <3

Song of the Day:. "Epiphany" Jill Scott

-C 

Do I EVER stop talking about women?

Its been awhile since I've blogged. Sorry, loves. Life is busy. Never too busy for you tho...

Things have been happening. Its funny how life works... I will never proclaim to be good at dealing with people, especially in a romantic way, but I will say that I've learned a lot in the past couple of months... about females especially. For one, they'll always try to make you prove yourself to them... which on some level is necessary, because we all do it.. but they'll let you know they don't fucking believe what you say. Also, they'll talk to you about all of their problems if they truly dig you or trust you. Its cute, but stressful at times, cause honestly, I don't always know what the fuck to say.

I'm not sensitive so I know I can't be explicit in my advice or what have you.. and a lotta times they just want ya ear.. Don't even want your opinion, which is fine.. cause I don't enjoy giving it.. at all. I find that my opinion is always.. to take the emotion out of the situation and look at it objectively. But my emotions are broke so... I can't tell a species who's oxygen is emotion to not use it.. lol. *sings* "Tell me how i'm 'posed to breaf with no ayyyaaa!"

I'm talking like I've been dealing with 20+ women.. lol, I haven't. Which is something else I've learned about myself. I won't go as far to say I'm a "one woman man" but I have really decreased the people I'm romantically involved with very recently. Before the start of this year, I was always talking to 2 or 3 people at a time. Still don't see the point of monogamy.. but I feel like I just want to focus on one person, ya know? Maybe I've just found the person who's enuff for me...

I'm just trying to enlighten yall and give yall my perspective... 'cause I know those of us who love women go through a lotta SHIT. I'm not all wise or all knowing.. Its all fluid. I know that I'm a woman and I'm happy and ok with it.. My emotional habits just aren't consistent with those that I deal with... and men, if you weren't so fucking simple, I'd talk about yall more..

Song of the Day:. "Can I Come Over" Aaliyah. <3 #pandora.

-C

A poem.

A poem since I haven't in many moons.. It's called "I have a wall Built up..." All capitalizaions, spellings are correct.. i'm on my e.e Cummings...

The Burden
of this wall around my heart
Stops this new love from
its start.
An apology may be in order
'cause you can't cross this
Boarder.
I've worked to hard on protecting
my love...
Past lovers built this wall
of heartache
with bricks of insecurity
selfishness and disloyalty
I want to be able
to love you, -but
this wall is impossible
to get thru...
So with time maybe
you can climb
and dwell
between the space with me
among the wall and
my heart-beat.

-C

A Waffle.

Alright yall... In the words of my homie.. "I'm not confused, I'm just distraught." I won't boost my ego and assume you a regular reader so I'll brief you on the situation at hand... Basically was talking to this girl, realized I wasn't attracted to her (we'll get to why later), told her that I just wanted to be friends and she didn't respect that. So, I got fed up and do what we do in this decade, deleted her off facebook, blocked her from my tweets and deleted her number outta my fone.. (But I kept her friend's number.. #dontjudge)

Now, she's been calling me every 4 or 5 days which is rare for her and we have these really awkward conversations. Last night, she called and we got into a discussion about women. It all started when I told her that I found myself not being attracted to women much anymore. She went in to how all women basically wore their emotions on their sleeve and were needy. I disagreed because, I'm neither and I'm a woman. Then she said women only suppressed it for me because they thought I was a big deal. I felt frustrated because she blames everything on me and a simple discussion was quickly getting emotional (as it does with women)...

Yall ever heard that women are spaghetti and men are waffles? Well, I musta missed some chemicals because i'm a waffle. [and i'm color blind.. momma, what was you smoking during pregnancy?!?!?] If I'm discussing something even if I'm passionate about it, I'm not going to get emotional because frankly, i'm always right and if its just a discussion, who cares? If it can be discussed its always gonna be debatable!

She got emotional and some how it got to her not getting on twitter anymore because I blocked her.. Yall, she only got on twitter to read my tweets.. and then when I blocked her she never got on anymore, what else am I supposed to think, and then am I not supposed to think I'm a big deal? She got mad 'cause I called her out.. #kanyeshrug.

Of course I turned into the bad guy.. It always goes back to me being heartless and selfish and 'not ready to love her'... which is bullshit because frankly if you're love-able I'm going to love you regardless... I'm not in love with her, and at this point, I'll even go as far to say I don't love her. She just has too many insecurities...

She argued that if you love someone you have no choice but to show it... and I think you always have a choice.. What do yall think? I love my sister, but I don't fuck with her 'cause she's a mooch. Does it mean that I don't love her because I don't fuck with her?

In the words of Tina Turner.. "Whats Love gotta do with it?!"

I don't usually solicit comments, but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Especially the ladies.. I need a 'spaghetti perspective'.

Song of the Day:. "If I Were You" Tamia

-C



For those who don't know.. Men are waffles because they can separate emotions from everything.. like the squares in a waffle.. and Woman are spaghetti because everything is all mixed.. just like spaghetti..

When it hurts so bad...

Hey Yall...

I like to think my feelings are pretty strong. But they are hurt right now. I can't go into too many details... I just wish that she wouldn't only fuck with me when she wants something. Its confusing. My feelings for her are way stronger than hers for me, I realize that. But damn, I feel like a puppy waiting for scraps from the dinner table. The hardest thing to do to her is say no.. but I will if it minimalizes the hurt I feel when I get ignored 'cause she doesn't need me anymore.

I'm sorry for the emo entry, yall. I do it so I can read it and one, be humble and two, learn.

Shout outs to the beautiful ladies of Zeta Phi Beta for inviting me to be on their panel tonight. We discussed 'being black and gay' the questions were cute. This was a big step for me in my sexuality, yall. I don't discuss it personally 'specially on campus with these niggas. I think it was a good discussion, too. And you KNOW I got some numbers ;)

I may be heartbroken? But I still got it!

Alright, let me get on this laundry and this game spittin'.

song of the day:. "When it Hurts so Bad" -Lauryn Hill

-C

Living in a Gay world.

Because of my sexuality, I've realized that its not safe to say that "Heterosexual" is the standard. I mean that sexual lines and gender roles aren't black and white... and 'straight' people do a lotta stuff that is real gay to me. Call me stereotypical or whatever.. but I'm only going by personal experiences.

I was singing at a concert Sunday before last and a young man did some miming to a song, I forget which one. But I was sitting there looking at him like 'damn this looks familiar'. Then it hit me, this is a LOT like drag. Black people especially do a lot of gay shit and try to put a gospel spin on it then its 'ok'.

Then, just now I was looking at this guy's pics on fbook. He's greek.. and that seems REAL homo to me. A bunch of niggas standing around touching each other? Now, sororities aren't gay to me for whatever reason... but Frats are real homo to me, especially when they stroll... If you so straight, why put ya dick that close to another nigga's ass? I mean, its fine with me.. lol.. But it ain't 'straight' either..

Let me put a disclaimer on this... this may sound like being gay or 'homo' is something negative.. Its not, I'm just saying especially in black culture, there's a lot of stuff that is homosexual but at the same time in some places the gays are discriminated against when they contribute a lot to the culture.

I'm thinking about black and gay issues cause I've been asked to be on a panel (by some Greeks) on what it means to be black and gay in America. Frankly, I just be tryna live my life... I'm cool with being a guinea pig tho. I just want people to learn that I'm just like everyone else. I don't wanna be viewed as an outsider just because I might happen to kiss a girl. Especially, when I'm not alone in that boat ;)

alright, let me work on this powerpoint. More to come later. I appreciate my readers whole-heartedly.. As soon as I get my software together, I'mma do more blogs in the form of videos.

Song of the Day:. "You Are Not Alone" MJ

-C

STILL not letting things Slide..

Hey.

So yall know how I said I wasn't going to let things slide in the 2010? Well, its working out well, but then again not so well... and I just realized how serious it was when I expressed to my own mother how I was feeling about some shit and I get a "Well, I'm going to bed..." There's not a woman in this world I love more than my mother, but frankly I don't give two fucks if she's feeling some type of way. To me, that just validate the fact that I was right. She's been taking out the fact that my brother's a fuck up on me, and I told her and she pulled the 'feeling overwhelmed' card. I can't be worried about it.

Me not letting things slide caused me to have to move out of humble abode into another one... I'll be a bit respectful and not say why.. Won't happen often tho... Also, my cousin's sister won't speak to me AT ALL. Her immature ass had my cousin worried 'cause he hadn't heard from her then sent me a text.. I kindly told her not to text me until she got in touch with her brother.. Right is Right. Wrong ain't. We all went to the movies Saturday, she didn't say one word to me. Another example of age being no indication of maturity.

Told the young lady that I was 'talking to' that she wasn't offering me anything I wanted to be a part of so I didn't see why she was making me out to be the 'bad guy' when I said I just wanted to be friends. Women should stop putting themselves on such a pedestal and look in the mirror. I understand wholeheartedly why someone wouldn't want to be with me... but she can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be with an immature, dramatic, sociopath... o_O... Another indication that I'm too insensitive to be romantic with women. Hell, I didn't answer husband's fone call today and he ain't even trip, he was like 'oh, just wanted to see how you were doing..' I was liteweight confused yall.. EVERY woman in my life catches an attitude when I don't answer the phone (a bill that she doesn't pay..)

Husband was checking on me because I was super sick yesterday yall.... I was tossing my cookies all afternoon! Maybe it was something I ate, my medicine, stress, a virus.. I'm not sure yall... But I had to carry everything to God in prayer! LOL... I'm better now, still a bit weak.. Not really wanting to eat or anything but I be iight. Of all the weeks for me to get sick, this definitely ain't the one! I have paper due, test to study for, campaign work to do.. This snow and sickness needs to really get outta my way. I won't be hindered!

Anywho, Off to bed... Peace to the memory of my Aunt "stelle"...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" -Lauryn Hill

-THEE KIDD

Tyler Perry on Black in America..

So, I'm watching Black in America on CNN. I knew a little of Tyler Perry's story.. but they went in depth, yall I'm feeling all inspired. Now, a lot of people criticize his Madea character, but I think that we should only criticize when that image of Madea becomes un-true. There's no doubt I find Madea so funny because I've seen her in the women in my life as I was growing up and today. He didn't make Madea up, he's just going by his experience. We'd be talking bad about him if all he portrayed was burgeious negros.. He portrays both. I think he does a GREAT job of representing 'us'.. Why Did I Get Married? is def on the top 10 of my great movies list.

There are so few of us represented in the media that we should be VERY careful who we criticize, when and where. I'm not saying that we should just accept any black person on TV, because there IS fuckery out there... (shout outs to the Wayans brothers and Frankie and Neffie) but I don't think Tyler contributes to the fuckery. Frankly, he's the last person we should be worried about, lets get on these rappers and singers, please if we want to criticize....

Not to mention, we're only contributing to the double standard of being 'properly represented' if we're so diverse as a culture, one man can't represent us properly anyway right?

Anywho..

How rude of me for not offering greetings before I jumped on my soap box? Hello, Hope all is well in ya life..

The weekend was pretty cool, got to sing with the choir twice. My voice is very tired and mad respect for those who make a career out of singing. Speaking of, I met Vanessa Bell Armstrong today.. She had on a badddddd mink coat, yall.

Depending on the amount of snow we get, I have a busy week ahead. I'm just working on finding that balance to stay busy enough to not have time to be depressed, and not kill myself. Right now, I'm doing tooooo much!

Alrighty, watching my boo on CNN I'm distracted...

Song of the Day:. "Irreplaceable" Beyonce.. "you must not know bout me!"

-C

Frustration and Sexuality.

Whats up, yall?

I feel so... different, lately. It might have to do with the fact that I haven't been to therapy this year so I really haven't gotten to talk my feelings out.. but I don't enjoy that and I'm really not sure what I'm holding back. I often find myself saying "I'm so damn frustrated." My mother told me its because I'm involved in too much stuff, something I've heard before. Hers is an opinion I'm very tired of hearing, but I always take seriously. She's right. She told me to take it down a level, and I might just have to do that.

Frankly, I am a part of too many organizations on campus. Too many organizations that aren't really doing SHIT. Call me what you want, I'm a big deal and I'm tired of being apart of stuff that's mediocre. I think thats part of my frustration. I'm passionate about everything I do and I hate to see so much potential going to waste because of egos. I'm sure my ego is bigger, and I get shit done.

I ain't smoked or drank anything since I got back from Dallas.. Operation: detox is about to get failed. I enjoy the finer things in life. Yes... cheap wine is a finer thang to me ;)

Now, between me and you... I find myself not being attracted to women lately.. and being VERY attracted to men... by no means do I think I'm 'turning straight'... but I'm a firm believer that sexuality is on a continuum... It was hard for me to come to this of course because of society... but right now, women just aren't doing it for me...  and thats fine.. I've been praying for less stress in my life, God has his way of answering. I'm listening <3.

tomorrow I might be a lesbian, don't judge me.

Song of the Day:. "Anytime" Brian McKnight.

-C

Facebook Fuckery

Hello children...

Social networking sites (facebook, twitter) have really changed the way we communicate. Frankly, I'm fed up. Now, since I'm away from home and have friends and family everywhere, facebook is the way I stay connected to my folks.. so I don't really want to stop using it all together... but some of my 'friends' and 'followers' really abuse the privilege of being connected to me virtually.

FOR EXAMPLE...

I put up controversial statuses sometimes, people get wayy too emotional. I don't want the people who 'like' my status to have 54 notifications because two people decide to duke it out via my status comments..

OR.. I put up a status and get text messages about it.. like we're having a conversation.. No, if you have something to say about my status, comment on it like the rest of my fans... OR if I put up song lyrics, God forbid I might just be listening to the song... if you have to ASK if its about you, its not ;)

Requesting MY friends. I HATE when I see two people become friends and the ONLY reason they have a connection is because of me. I feel liteweight violated... and I don't want my friends to be exposed to the socially retarded people that are in my life. Makes me look bad. Why request someone you've never laid eyes on anyway?

Lets see what else..

OH!! All these apps! Farmville, Sorority Life, Mafia Wars, Cafe... And it be GROWN ASS PEOPLE with JOBS playing these games...

Events, groups, fan pages, messages... Leave me alone.

So.. Yea, I just needed to rant a bit about the fuckery we know as facebook. I really want to delete a few people.. but that would cause unnecessary drama since I am friends/family members with said individuals..

There's more to talk about, but I'd like to lay down a bit before class.

Later

-C

200th and a year!!

This is a special day for my blog, yall. It's my 200th post and my one-year anniversary!!!

I feel like I should give an acceptance speech or dedicate this blog to someone, but i'm too selfish for that so... lets talk about my life..

Dallas was loads of fun. I learned a lot about the community and myself. I don't want to make anyone mad so I'll save my criticisms of the gay community for a rainy day, but trust. I do have plenty. About myself, I learned that regardless of where I go, I'm not going to fit in and in the words of my husband "and thats fine"... I just thought that since this was a Task Force conference I might find more people like me.. and I did. But in the grand scheme of things, I still feel like an outsider. I'm not mad about it, just had an epiphany.

I met some cool people. Shout-outs to them ;)

I also got to stay in the executive suite and I'm so mad I didn't steal one of those AMAZING bathrobes. I'd walk around in it all day if I could.

WHO DAT?! !?!!?!?  I'm super stoked that the Saints won! Nawlin's needed it.

iight. I have laundry and two tests this week. I can't be fuckin with yall all night.

Song of the Day:. "I find no fault in Him" -Fred Hammond

-C

White people are crazy.

Hello, I feel like its a minute since I've blogged... So lets see, what have I been up to?

Saturday I went to the Rocky Horror Picture show.. I don't get all the hype. The first time I went I was sober and fell asleep, this time I told my friends they had to get me drunk if they didn't want me to sit at home. They did. It was still wack.

Anywho, in my race class today we discussed Chris Matthew's comment. For those who don't know, he said "He forgot Obama was black for an hour" during his State of the Union. Now, this statement proved that white people will try to defend the most disrespectful remarks. I try not to get mad but come on yall, even if he didn't have bad intentions (which I seriously doubt) it offended a whole bunch of people. Some try to argue that Matthews was trying to say that Obama "transcended" race during his speech and for once wasn't our 'first black president' but 'our president'. It is awfully interesting that race didn't need to be transcended in the presidency until someone with a race became the president. Also, people need to realize that black people have always thought of the previous 43 presidents as 'white men'... and we know that if Obama was doing something white people didn't like, he would become the 'black president' again.

Yall ain't foolin' me. Not to mention he's as white as he is black.

But anywho, I'm going to Dallas in less than 24 hours and I need to pack. I'm super excited. I hope I'll have pictures and experiences to share.. and I also hope there are some I can't ;)

Song of the Day:. "I Wish I Wasn't" Heather Headley.
(all of my songs mean something..)

-C

formspring.me

If you could be white, would you?

Hell No, white people are horribly unaware. There's a swag and intelligence I have because I'm a black woman. Thanks.

Ask me anything

Detached.

Whats up yall?

I did a vlog, but I didn't like it.. so, I ain't postin' it.. I can't find my cord either..

So.. I'm trying to figure out when I got like this. Yall, I'm so emotionally detached from everyone. Like, she was on the fone crying last night cause i'm such an asshole and I really just didn't care. I don't want to be like that. Seems, inhumane... But its like I have no control over it. I've never been good at faking.. and at times when I get concerned about people maybe I have been faking in the past. For whatever reason, I can't do it anymore.

I mean, I'd say in the past year my emotional scale has changed. For example, when I went to see Seven Pounds with my girls they were boo-hooing and I was just sitting there.. Like "Ah well.." I mean, I cry in EVERY Will Smith movie... LOL... Its like there are moments when I know in the past I'd cry but the tears won't come, the emotion is absent.

Emotion isn't completely absent.. just the ones I'm known for feeling I suppose.. Like sympathy... I have none, for anyone. For one, I don't trust anyone to keep it 100 with me.... Idk why, yall. Lately people stay mad at me. They say I'm selfish.... Its draining when everyone's mad at you and you can't do anything about it. I don't wanna be withdrawn from society in general but lately, its easier to just be alone.

I know I have a wall up. Yesterday ex-husband said "...you want to care. But you stop to protect yourself" He hit the nail on the head. I've cared before and frankly it got stepped on. #in2010, I can't be worried about it. Part of me wants to change, part of me enjoys not being attached to anyone. Its easier not to be at risk for pain...

I realize I might be talking in circles, but hey... It's where I'm at now...

Song of the Day:. "I'd rather go blind" Etta Fitzgerald.

-C

Less than sympathetic.

Whats up, yall? I feel like I haven't blogged in a minute, was going to do a video blog but I moved and can't find my camera. Its around here somewhere. Oh, I'm happy with my new living situation. I have my own room, thank God... Idk if I told yall why I was moving, lets just say my roommate and I's lifestyles couldn't exsist in the same space ;)

Anywho, I deal with women a lot... which shouldn't be news to you if you read this blog.. LOL.. but I think  a mistake a lot of us (women) make is putting someone on a pedastal and making them responsible for our feelings. I know I've done it, ended up getting very hurt. I'm not sure how to take someone's control away.. I just know it has to happen or you'll STAY upset. I'm realizing the other end of this because the shoe's on the other foot. This young lady I was dealing with blames me for EVERYTHING. I mean, shit that problably happened before I was even born.. gets mad when I need to get off the fone to go take a shit.. I mean arguments every other day.. In #2010, I can't be worried about it.. So I had to end the romantic part of our relationship. I have feelings for her... but whats love got ta do, got ta do with it? If we're upset with each other every other day? I mean, I feel like it just takes so much outta me. I don't like to argue, because I never lose. Just a fact. Makes people upset.

I feel bad for not being able to be more sympathetic. Point is, I have goals.. I can't emotions get in the way.. I've done that in past semesters. I'm paying for it now. I just want non-confrontational friendships... and as far as dating goes? If we argue more than we have sex? Not happening.. Only one person has been able to give me that... and surprise.. It's a man...

#Inothernews. I'm working on a political campaign and I'm SUPER STOKED about it!!!!!

Well, its my good friend, "Slim"'s birthday. I love her so.. Going to clean the room a bit before I go to the movies with her..

Song of the Day:. "Make Her Say" Kid Cudi

-C

formspring.me

why are you so damn amazing?

Whenever anyone asks me anything about myself, I always tell them to look at my maker. I'm an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God who's gracious enuff to let His self shine through me :)

U need a nigga in ya life

LOL, I have one... more than one, I'm good. Thanks.

where do you like being kissed?

My lips, if you want a more detailed answer, you have to ask personally. LOL

Ask me anything

formspring.me

do you have feelings for anyone at this present moment & if not do you think i could have a chance with you? i could be your dreamgirl...

Honestly, I do have feelings for 2 very special women. Don't know if it'll work out. I'm open. What makes you think you'd be my dreamgirl?

Ask me anything

Selfish

Hey yall, its been a rough couple of days. To make a long story short, my roommate and I dont see eye to eye.. So I'm moving out. #In2010, I can't be worried about it. She's mad. But she doesn't want to be respectful so I must leave before I go postal... and thats exactly what I told the housing people. They drew me up a new lease with a quickness.

They tell me I'm selfish. Ok.. so actually one female tells me I am. I honestly, dont see how I am. I mean, I'm not the nicest person in the world and if I'm not interested, I won't fake it. But how selfish am I when you're the one who wants all of my attention? I for one think THAT's pretty selfish. Nevermind the fact that I had a hard day too.. Just sit and listen to my problems... Naw bruh.. I feel like we all rely on each other too much. I just be wanting to tell people to pray about it. Its what I do.. and it works out fine. Of course I talk to who I talk to... but I don't wanna be that guy who's name pops up on your fone and you dont answer cause you know its about to be an episode of the young and the restless.

Call me crazy but I just want to be able to enjoy someone sometimes without hearing about their problems. I rarely get to do that with said person. I do love her, but she doesn't appreciate it. So I'm done... part of me hates to be that way, but part of me is excited at the lower levels of stress to come because she's no longer a priority.

Harsh.. Yea. I know. AH WELL.

Ok, I must finish this laundry. You might see random questions popping up. Its via formspring.me. Feel free to ask what you want. formspring.me/collegekidd

-C

formspring.me

what would be your ideal first date?

Lets see. I don't like traditional shit. So anything but a dinner and a movie. Maybe an art gallery or going to a poetry slam.. you know grown stuff like that.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Describe your perfect husband

A man thats has as much swag as my dad. Who loves his mother, is very chivalrous and passionate. Someone who enjoys the finer things in life and isn't afraid to tell me to shut the hell up.

Ask me anything

a bit disturbed. and busy.

Evening loves.

This morning when I rose, yea... LOL.. just playing.. I was watching CNN and it was showing a bunch of white people getting of a plane in Pennsylvania carrying their black babies. The children were Haitian refugees and while I don't want to trun this tradgedy into a political/racial issue, it is. It disturbs me to see that adopting black children is becoming a trend. What if I adopted a swede child? Yall'd be mad as hell, but it still wouldn't be the same because of the history of America. I'm sorry, it reminds me of slavery. I wasn't there, but I can't get that image out of my head. I'm glad the children have a home tho, and I wish more of my people had the resources and money to adopt. We can't adopt, we do a good job of having plenty of our own. LOL

[[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/20/world/americas/20orphans.html?src=twt&twt=nytimes]]

Story is in the link above.

Anywho, I been feelin' inspired lately. I had to look up some back LGBT figures for a black history project we're doing this month. I hope a young kidd is looking ME up one day ;) I want to do big thangs, yall.

I'm goint to the Creating Change Conference in Dallas in two weeks. Any of my readers going?! I can't wait! I'm super pumped! I can't wait to learn and network.. but I'm tryna get me a couple of girlfriends and boyfriends too..  OK, just joking. ;)

Alrighty, I'm realizing this semester my Tuesday's gonna be madd busy! But its all good, I get thangs done.

I'm starting to learn what L O V E is... <3

Song of the Day:. "Newness" Musiq Soulchild

She says "There's never a dull moment with Carrie __________"

-C

Let it be broke...

'Round a year later? I'm starting to realize how important this blog is to me. I'm not good at expressing my feelings and I don't really have the desire to directly, but I recognize that the things you feel need to fall on someone's ears. This blog lets me do that. I have plenty of friends who care, and if I could just sit down and let 'em know that I was super hurt, angry or happy about something, I would. (I do sometimes, but its hard) Also, I want to use my experiences so someone can relate and feel empowered through something we share.. A laugh or two ain't so bad either. They tell me I'm funny.. I don't see it.. 

Speaking of a laugh... There's this TORE UP girl who's been telling people I have a crush on her. Now, we went to highschool-hell together and she ain't pursuing higher education so there's only so much she can do to my good name and reputation while i'm 70 miles up sixty-fo.. But I told yall, #in2010, I wasn't going to let things slide.... 

So my homie texted me yesterday and said she had yapped it to her, and I told her something along the lines of, "Could you please top telling people I have a crush on you? I don't. AT ALL. Please act like you graduated from highschool and don't still attend. Thanks."

Yall, its just frustrating because... This ho is NOT cute... call me shallow if you want, but take a look at everyone male and female I've messed with. *snap* DYMES! Second, she's not smart or funny or any other desirable personality characteristic so who the hell I look like being even a little attracted to her? Two, I'm not eight so I don't have crushes on people, I'm attracted or not concerned.. Puh-lease. I should show yall a pic of this whore.. 

Moving on, I was watching Kingdom Come the other week and LL's character said, "Baby, its broke, let it be broke for awhile. Don't try to fix it"... It stuck with me... At the moment, I'm feeling some type of hurt about a few things.. but.. I feel that dwelling in the hurt is really humbling. I'm learning about who I really am. Honestly? I'm pretty damn strong, i've grown up. Couple of years, hell couple of months ago if I was feeling like I am now? I'd cry till I was dry. But now? It's easier to deal with. He hasn't taken away the pain per se, but He's made it easier to deal with. And its funny cause that's exactly what the sermon was about today. 

He might not move the mountain, but He will give you watcha need to climb it. Climbing the rough side of the mountain isn't so bad, cause if I was climbing a smooth mountain, I'd have nothing to hold on to. MESSAGE! Where do I get this stuff FROM!?

Not that I called someone a whore AND preached to yall in the same entry. Killing two birds with one stone? #dontjudge. 

Music is powerful, yall. This Beyonce track "Poison"?! Yo! There are songs that you hear dem words and have to look around and make sure said artist isn't following you around writing about ya LIFE, yo! Music helps me sit in my sadness without being suicidal... lol. 

Alright, let me wrap this up and get some sleep since I ain't had nern in 24+. Gotta first give thanks for my friends. I had a great weekend (Thursday-Sunday!) with yall. Hooka, Booze, other thangs.. ;) Love yall sooooooo much. 

Sending some special love to two of my friends who feel kinna hurt, "Vogue" and "Cheeks"... Um, not to brag, but I'm one of the best lovers in the world... and you're loved with some warm yummy shit if I got you! In the words of the great, "Don't worry.. bout a thang.. cause every little thing.. is gonna be alright.."

Song of the Day:. "This to Shall Pass" India. Arie

-C 

An interesting latenight convo.

Top of the evening to you all... 

Lemme tell yall some interesting shit that happened to me this early morning. Well, I gotta back up. A couple of weeks ago an attractive older woman requests me on facebook. Now, my rule is as long as we have friends in common, and you're cute, I'll accept you. (Shallow? A little. Judge me if you want.) She's nice looking and our only friend in common is my pops. So, I figure this is one of his women. For the life of me, I can't understand why my pop's girlfriends try to get in good with me. They all tell me he talks about me alot and yadda yadda... 

Anywho, my pops e-mails me and asks me whats up with me and ole girl that requested me. I say "I accepted her cause she said you were a great guy. Who is she?" In a nutshell, he said "She's an ex girlfriend, and an ex friend and she's meddling.."

Scandalous! So I really get interested now. Long story short, I see some pictures of her and my pops on her page and I saw her online last night 'round 2am. So my ignant ass fb chats her and says "So you mad at my dad?"

We proceed to have a very interesting conversation. I realized a couple of things. This woman diggs my dad... and I understand why, but at the same time. If he wasn't my pops, I'd tell her to do better. I wish I could've defended my dad to her, but dude is well.. like me.. in her words "He likes to keep the company of lots of women.." I laughed super loud when she said that. We had a nice talk. She made me realize how much my dad wants me to call him. I told her I'd do better. I was mad at my dad for awhile, but its in the past. I'm grown, and I need his money. Just keeping it real ;)

She also told me that I express myself like him, that I'm very cut and dry. Never realized I got it from him. I wish a few very important women that I love could meet my dad, they'd understand. But then again... Maybe their opinions aren't as important anymore... 

There's no man in this world I love like my deddy.. and I won't be niiave and say that he's not part of the reason I date, love and fuck women. But in my wildest dreams? I'd be wife to a man just like him.... I'd have 3 boys and a girl with his smile and my eyes.. and I'd drive a mercedes SUV... 

Yall like my "Up in the Air" fantasy? LOL.. 

Unfortunately, I don't believe in fairy tales, Santa, The Tooth Fairy or Nicki Minaj. I do believe I'll find happiness and good sex tho :)

My mother says every guy I date looks just like my pops... I'm not sure about the women I date. I think they have psycho in common? ha! Yea, I know about 5+ women I've been with read this blog.. and I'm talking about all of you. 

Alright, I need to get dressed. Stepping out with no plan. Mischief. 

Song of the Day:. "Be OK" Chrisette Michelle

-C 

"Can't Be Worried About It"

Hey yall. Last night at the last minute I decided to go out. I had a BLAST. This morning I was a bit hungover. The room was spinning and my stomach was NOT happy. But I had it taken care of by time for my 11am class. A nigga was liteweight dehydrated cause my hands were shaking. Aaahh yes.. Good times. I have pictures. I might share.

Anywho, I came to write because I was SUPER offended today. I had to go to a meeting that I REALLY didn't wanna go to. For one, I was tired and recovering... two, I'm tired of all these meetings niggas have where we talk about the SAME shit and nothing gets done. Call me crazy.. I like progress. I really want to be involved on campus, yall. But I'm fed up with these organizations i'm a part of that gets nothing done. I'm really contemplating not being a part of them in the future.

You ever meet someone who you wouldn't know was stupid until they opened their mouth? This guy... yall.. he just talks and is very opinionated but there's no KNOWLEDGE behind his opinions or views.. which is fine because he's young but that means he just needs to shut up... and when he says stuff, I don't feel the need to argue with him because he's not my intellecutal equal so there's really nothing he can say to me... In reference to the bible he said..

"It's just a book, and people are way too sensitive about it..."

Now, I've always believed that its wrong to talk sideways about someone's beliefs in mixed company.. and even worse to be disrespectful about something thats a big deal to someone. I believe that Mary was JUST the woman that God used to mother Christ in His human form. I also believe that Mohammed was a false prophet and Allah is no one to me. But everyone doesn't believe that. Catholics, Muslims and Protestants have to share this world so why not be respectful? It's not cool for Beyonce to get naked and sing Ave Maria.. and its not cool to call the bible a 'book' when there are people who live their lives based on its teachings.

I feel that lately people want me to be ok with disrespect and I'm not. I won't be. Today I didn't say anything to him and I'm liteweight disappointed in myself. But then again, I believe in the truth.. and its the truth no matter what he has to say about it or if I argue right?

The fact that I was tired and hungover didn't help either. But I can't blame it on that. What he said was not cool AT ALL.. and my friend begged me with her eyes not to say anything so I didn't. I told her it wasn't going to happen again though.

So, I got hungry and nauseous and I left the meeting early. Once I'm done? I'm done. Thats the new theme for the 2010.. "Can't be worried about it"... 2009's theme was "Can I live?!" and I'm learning to live. I'm becoming emotionally unavailable and I'm ok with it. My heart beats on the left, so I'mma think right.

Song of the Day:. "Adam Lives in Theory" -Lauryn Hill.

-C

#Praying4Haiti..

My heart goes out to all my Haitian brothers and sisters. I'm just going to post some websites to show where you can donate money. Back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/12/haiti-earthquake-relief-h_n_421014.html

That page has all the places you can help. The bible says don't just pray, help if you have the resources. In the past, we've treated the Haitians like lepers. Lets make it right yall.

-C

I get angry.

Whats up, yall?!

I haven't wrote in a minute. A nigga has been liteweight angry because of those I live with among other things. Yall, when I tell yall I have anger problems, that thang is for real. People don't believe me cause on the regular I'm particulalry laid back and nice... But when I get angry? It gets ugly. Luckily on Saturday morning when I got good and angry I was physically alone. I won't go into details but trust, I'm looking to move.... not to a diff dorm.. just my own room. Lawdamercy. I'm so use to peace in my space. I'm not willing to sacrifice that.

Yall, I was so mad.. I did something I NEVER do.. I turned my phone off! A good 4 hours. I know my people was like where's this nigga at? And my girl? She was like "so I get kicked straight to voicemail now?".... Yea.. Shoutouts to "Hi-Def" stays mad at me... #Shout-outs to my two very good friends who made sure I was iight. They're angels, I tell ya. God will make the LAST person you expect to send you a text and make sure you good. If I was capable of emotions at this point in my life, my heart would be warm for yall. <3

But yea.. I'm good now. Had a high time at Church yesterday. I prayed super hard that God would have SOMETHING for me when I went that morning because of my Saturday.. and He did.. He ALWAYS does. Pastor preached about how the people at Antoioch called the believers Christians... how your enemies call you things sometimes that you shouldn't be mad about... and that it shouldn't be THAT hard for others to identify you as a Christian. Message!

Enjoyed the Celebration of Gospel last night. Fantasia can't read, but she's one of my favorite performers. Cute that she sang with her madre. Gospel is one of the few genres left where you have to actually be able to SING and/or play an instrument. Wish we'd have the same standards for our r&B ad especially hip-hop!

Alright, yall. I might write more later. Probably do a video to switch it up. Oh how I love my cam!

Song of the Day:. "Green Eyes" -Erykah Badu.. I went IN on that song last night.

-C

Relationships: What I've learned in the past year.

Hello children, it is rare that I come to the ole dashboard with a purpose. Today I'mma talk about what I've learned in the past year regarding relationships. Now, I say that in my adult life I've never been in a serious relationship. Well, thats unfair to some people. Since last January, I've been in 2 semi-serious 'situations' and am in one right now. [All females.]

Now I do have the tendency to be in 'unofficial' serious relationships. Its the coward in me (and you) that makes me want to have all the benefits and not the actual G word. I haven't been someone's girlfriend since I was 15 and we all know that doesn't count. I don't think I'm good at relationships. But then again, I haven't had a chance to fuck up. LOL... I've dated alot, if you're reading and I've dated you, thanks for the life lesson ;) God loves you, I don't.

Things I've learned.... [in the context of romantic relationships]

-- The first few weeks is not a good indication of how you'll feel about each other. Newness excites us. That's fine. But it won't last. I'll show my true colors, you will to. Maybe resulting in us realizing that we aren't really for each other. Or us realizing that we are and trying to work it out. Either way... Lust and excitement can't be the top 10 reasons, it changes. You get tired. You get used to each other.

--We confuse potentially loving with actually loving. We say the L word to freely and too soon. I always do. I always know who I'm going to love and who I'm not. I've learned to say it when I mean it not when I see it happening eventually.

-- I've learned that if there's a problem, it needs to be brought up while calm. I don't argue. I shut down and ignore. I like to dicuss it, not yell, not scream. I say things I don't mean while riled up.

-- I've learned not to have serious conversations via text messages anymore. What are we 12? Lets talk face to face like grown ups.

-- You should talk wayy more than you fuck. Yall, I was fucking someone for 4 months and I realized I didn't even like her as a person. If I would've stopped (I did..) and realized some shit then I wouldn't have to keep punishing myself for letting her touch me... and it'd be WAYY easier for me to be touched today. It's not.

--I've learned that I'm my number one priority... and It's ALWAYS a problem. I can't see myself putting someone's well-being before my own. (My offspring, of course.. but they not here yet) and I think that women especially want to be a priority when it's frankly not anyone else's job. If I'm not comfortable with something going on, if I feel I'm being disrespected, I can't deal with it... I always feel like people are asking me to be ok with disrespect. My homeboy told me I was keeping bad company. He's probably right. I've learned to set standards for myself and to stick to them.

--I've learned not to sell anyone pipe dreams. I don't do well with monogamy. Especially if I don't think you're worth it. I like to date a lot of people. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. The boy knows I date others, I know he dates others. I don't believe in open-relationships. If I'm with you, I am. If I'm not, I'm not. No grey areas.

--Like Maya Angelou said, if someone shows you themselves? Believe them. We have the tendency to ignore the fact that people let us know EARLY who we are... and in realizing this, we can get out of a situation that we know is STILL not gonna be cool with us next week. Most let you know non-verbally who they are. I say it verbally. "I'm an asshole, I like sleeping, I'm a texter, I'mma flirt"... if any of that's a problem, I don't wanna waste your time.

--I've learned its very important to keep the 'spark' in your relationship. I know I get insecure about who I'm with not feeling me anymore.. or getting bored, ya know? I always make sure I let ya know you're a big deal.. and if you're not doing the same, you get cut from the team ;)

--To me, loving is as natural as breathing. I'm on a mission to find who I'm supposed to love. I've learned not to waste it on prototypes.

--I don't believe in fairytales. Nothing is forever. You're here now. You might not be next year, week or even tomorrow. I'll hurt if you leave (maybe). I'll move on too.

--I've learned not to mess with anyone else's girl. Cause I don't want anyone messing with mines. I haven't always followed that rule. It left me hurt. Cause they'll always go back to who they're originally with. If you think you're a fling? You probably are. I was (twice). 3's a crowd.

--In me being ok with being the third wheel, I've learned that there's some insecurity I have in myself. I'm working on it. In the mean time, everyone will be treated like a #jumpoff.

--I've learned that if I'm not happy with myself, it is impossible to be happy with anyone else. My home girl told me to be in tune with my star player. I've been unhappy and not in tune with this nigga for the past couple of months. Just now getting back into the swing of things.

--I've learned that just because you're older doesn't mean you're wiser or have any more ability to read and respect people. I've dated those my age, and much older. Maturity level isn't consistent with your number of years.

--I've learned that love isn't enough. I love cigarettes, I don't want lung cancer. Circumstances are just as, if not more important.

Alright, this is getting pretty long. Hope I provided someone with some insight. Again, I blog for me. I realize I write because I'm a bit uncomfortable with talking about it. At times, I don't see the point. I usually just don't trust people to take me seriously. I'm tired of hearing 'get over it'. Not always that easy.

This blog is subject to change.. nothing will be taken away, things will be added <3

Song of the Day:. "I used to love someone" Anthony Hamilton

-C

Vlog. Interracial.

Regardless.. I'm fine.

Evening folks. Writing to wind down from this game. I still bleed red. I'm disappointed.

Anywho, I learned a very valuable lesson recently. I just want to share. Its no secret that I love hard. Not often. LOL.. but hard. I invest a lot into my relationships... romantic or otherwise.. and I go through a mourning period of sorts when one ends. I never want to blame anyone ya know? Because if I'm the one feeling some type of way, and you're sleep peacefully at night? its my problem. Even if someone's in the wrong? I don't get too mad, because I've been in the wrong and hurt people in my life myself. I don't get mad. I get done. LOL...

I've learned that regardless of who's in my life? I'm fine.

I get REAL upset when anyone leaves. Even if I KNOW they need to get gone. But now? I've learned not to invest as much in people. They're flakey, I'm flakey. Everyone has a season. I tend to move to fast, get too excited when I meet someone I half-way like. Again, friendships and otherwise...  Resulting in me hurting very bad when the expiration date is up on our relationship.

This entry is inspired because a young lady I've mentioned before basically told me she ain't wanna talk anymore... Now mind you, I don't even LIKE this bitch, liteweight but I was like 'damn'... But I proceeded to delete her off all social networks and outta my fone.. and I'm sitting here feeling all peaceful and shit... Its cause her ass is GONE! And also, I've told the last two people I was involved romantically with that I'd leave their life if I was causing more hurt and confusion if necessary. and trust that shit is hard to say and takes a LOT of maturity.

In the words of India. Arie.. "I prayed for God's will to be done.. the very next day you were gone.."

If you're in my life now? I love you, but if you're gone tomorrow? I won't die. and for the record, thats exactly how I want you to feel about me..

This new year is a good excuse to get new. Oh, and don't get it twisted. HE showed me that I don't need to mourn super long for anyone. Its all in HIS will.. and I delight in it. <3 God IS love. At the end of the day? His love rocks me to sleep. At the beginning of it, His love wakes me up.

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India. Arie

-C

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

Its the first day of they year.. While I was in the club last night, I figured my first entry of the year would be a re-introduction. Why? Not for you. For me.. just to see how I've changed.

My name is Carrie. Sometimes I don't like to be called by my government. I REALLY hate when people make reference to any Keri Hilson song. I love her. But she isn't me, and doesn't spell the shit right. I cuss. I'm trying to quit. Also tryna quit smoking.. but I ain't tryna quit too hard.. lol.  I'm very claustrophobic. A bit judgmental and at times? Very racist... against the whites and no one else. I'm in college. I enjoy it. I also enjoy the romantic company of men and women. I haven't really had a real g/f or b/f in my adult life tho. Hopefully it happens soon.. well, maybe? I'm very opinionated. Only give it when its asked tho. I stereotype people. I'm usually right. I love writing. I love music. I'm not a good listener. The young lady I'm dating now complains super hard when she's talking to me on the fone and I bust out laughin at TV... baby KNOWS I'm not listening. LOL. I tweet and facebook super hard, if you have a problem.. stay the hell off my page ;)

Anywho, I'm very family oriented. Would love to be someone's wife, and someone's mother one day. I don't believe you've been truly loved until you make someone. I want to experience that. BUT by no means can I be domestic. I hate doing laundry, hate cleaning the bathroom. So, I'll need to make enough money to where I can pay someone to. Call me bourgeois. Its true. I don't express my feelings, honestly don't know how. I'm programmed to hide them. I pity and admire those who wear their feelings on their sleeve. I hate to see a lady cry in front of me. I'll do whatever it is to make her stop. When a man cries in front of me? Even worse.. motherly instinct kicks in. I just wanna put his head on my bosom.

It never works [romantically] with a woman unless I persue her. [just an observation of past experiences.. please no1 cuss me out] I just don't know how to act when a woman gets at me.. Its a big turn on tho. I'm a control freak. Women have a problem with that. Too bad. Oh, I enjoy the company of a lot of women at the same time. The lady I'm dating now doesn't play that so I'm working super-hard on not flirting. I'm such a flirt. She is too.

I like to sing and play the piano. I like to lay on my floor and write poetry. I love good conversation. I like to listen and watch someone talk and think. I'm a people watcher, a natural observer. I love clothes. I have a lot, I want more. I like shoes. I love scarves. I'll count how many I have one day. I have affectionate moments, if I kiss you on the forehead, I'm tryna trick your ass... watch out. I love my mother, anyone who talks side-ways to her...? can get cussed real quick without even thinking. I once threatened someone else's 4 year old. My poppa? Don't disrespect him. That's my job... Shout-outs to my Pops.. His dog died last night..

Long live Kiffa!

I love dancing, I don't club much... but when I do, I stay on the dance floor. I love dancing with strangers... I have an unhealthy infatuation with Nicki Minaj. She can rap and if she didn't have a weave, I bet I might actually be attracted. Oh yea, I don't like women with weave, fake nails, tits, or eye lashes. Be you. I like girls with big booties... guys with big arms and nice eye lashes... I'm very random, as indicated by the style of my re-introduction. Hope you enjoyed. Only wrapping it up cause my thumb hurts..

First song of the century:. "Shakin' it for Daddy" -Robin Thicke and Nicki Minaj