Halloween <-- a lazy Saturday.

Whats up yall? Happy Halloween and what not. Hope all the little and big kids are safe. As for me? I have a big ole bottle of 190 proof beside me that might be empty in the morning. I ain't goin' nowhere. The parties already here! LOL  I don't feel like partying anyway so I'mma follow my desires and do what the hell I want to do. Sit here and chill. I be feeling like a downer sometimes when I'm not excited about stuff that everyone else is. Halloween was cool when I was 6? But at this age, holidays are just an excuse to get drunk and I never needed one ;)

Ya know, lately I've been everyone's love guru. Ya know what i've learned from that? People got some LOW ass standards. Hell, even if you just tryna have a physical relationship (which is often the case..) I think you still should have some requirements or somethin! These bitches that my friends have been trying to get hooked up with? The first one's a ho... The second one? Dumb as rocks... and I've turned down both of these females in the not so distant past... so I don't want to hook up my homies with 'em do I?

Had a good time with my white husband last night. He let me choose what he wore to the club.. I def had him lookin' flyyyyyyy. He's a good guy, real talk. Gonna turn me into a spoiled brat if I let him. I usually got work spoiled status in.. He already got it goin!

My mom just came and chilled with me for a minute on the way to Indy for her friends b-day party. I was glad to see her. I can really talk to her about stuff that I'm feeling. She's coming back through tomorrow on the way to twist my hair. 

I tell yall that I'm trying to change my cell phone habits? Yall, I send/receive 'round 250+ texts a day! I really think its shrinking my sanity. I'm doing better, and my sanity's growing. It was cool when I was young and enjoyed meaningless conversation but now? I don't like people.. My cuzzo told me that was why I was getting grey hairs in teenagerdom.. All them people I deal with. I gotta shrink that... So if I don't respond to ya texts or answer my fone? Don't take it personal. Well, maybe you should cause yo ass stresses me out! LOL, but for real.. Its about me, not you. 

My sanity is my responsibility. Not yours. 

Yall, there's a buzzing in my ear that be driving me CRAZY. I think its sinus issues... I might have to pull out this netti pott. Get you one, see if your life don't change for the better. I'd endorse a netti pott by the KKK. Thats how crucial it is... 

Alright yall, back to enjoying my lazy Saturday and ignoring my all texts and calls. Have a happy save Halloween!

Song of the Day: "Doin' Just Fine" Boys II men..

"Getting along very well.. without you in my life...." <--True Story. 

-C 

Over it.

Yall, at the tender age of 19... and in my third semester of college. I might just be over the party/club-scene. Truth is I partied EVERY week last semester. Now tonight, I thought I was gonna be able to chill with my boo but that didn't work out like I wanted it to :( So, my friends convinced me to go to this dude's party right. I knew him so it wasn't just random shit. But I was only going cause they were gonna meet me and my dude "Social-Justice"... Well we got to the place, the niggas never came... I hope nothing bad happened to my people... but I can't be concerned right now. Maybe after the liquor has wore off...

Woulda been cool if his party was poppin'. It was alotta MEAT in there and they ran out of liquor.. DUN DUN DUN! When you run out of things to make everyone in here look better? I'm out! Made a phone call and got a ride back to my humble abode. I was just sitting there the whole time boppin my head to the music thinking "this ain't my scene"

[Side Thot: Regina King and Angela Basset can't ACT they pretty asses off!]

I'm so over it. Just the whole... scene? Maybe its cause I wasn't all the way drunk. I mean, this cute guy wanted to dance with me and I just wasn't into it... I was ready to go home when I got there.... I'mma make a song called "Blame it on the Sobriety".

Sucks when you go out and you know you shoulda kept yo black ass at the crib with your damn self. I think I'm in a pissy ass mood... I'm going to lay down...

Yall... Regina said "I'm in pain.. cause I love you and you don't feel a thing for me..." Girl... you better not make me cry in here.... Act baby!

Song of the Day: "By Myself" Ying Yang Twins

-C

Woof.

Women.

Now, I often talk about the female phenomena like I'm not apart of it... But thats how I talk about mankind, and I'm apart of them. Please understand I know I'm a woman and alot of problems I have with women (and men) are the problems I see in myself.

Anywho, I don't understand why even after you TELL a woman you a dog, she still thinks that she can change you. I mean of course most dogs don't admit that they are dogs, but they do show that they're dogs... You can only keep that thing on a leash for so long. Seems like a woman always tryna get a fixer upper. Why not find someone as fabulous as you so yall can be the shit together? In reference to the taste one of my cousins has in men,  my aunt says that she always picks from the top of the bottom of the barrell.. LOL

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not a dog... Am I? LOL Its just that I do my best to never sell any pipe dreams. All 3 of my girlfriends know about each other, and my wife knows about my girlfriends... LOL I tell people that want to get involved with me where my head and my heart is at. Trust, it aint ideal for a realtionship at this point, and they still wan deal with me? It can't be because of ME. I ain't a big deal. I'm flaky, selfish, possessive, and after sex? I go right to sleep if I don't get up and get something to eat, first. Who wants a mofo like that?

The thing about a lot of people is that they have all these flaws and try to supress them for their loved one.. Fuck that! The flaws are part of who I am! I can't change the Kidd, I can change what I do to appease you (sometimes) but I can't change me. Part of me knowing if someone can be on my team or not is them calling me on my shit but not expecting me to be any different. But still loving me in spite of that. Don't ignore my flaws cause then I'll walk all over your ass for real.. But recognize that they exist and that you gonna be here regardless.

Now as far as YOUR flaws? Get that shit in check! LOL.. just playin!

I'm realizing that Love has to simply be an easy mutual existence. Lots of times we get with someone that we have feelings for but we can't Love because they won't deal with the things about us that aren't so good. You can't love if you're trying to hide the true essence of yourself. When I'm with someone that doesn't want me to cuss or something like that? Eh....

Remember when I had that virus? That was the first time that Cheeks saw me sick, I felt and looked A MESS. But she still looked at me like I was about something... Hell, she came and brought me medicine and orange juice. Yall, a nigga felt warm and fuzzy.. Cause I wanted my mommy... lol.

Alright, enough about this love shit.. LOL

Why don't white people have any concept of personal space?! I'm walking this morning and I was already feeling abnormal because I ain't have my iPod... So I just had the fucking wind in my ears... And you know how you feel someone's presence on your back? This dude was walking wayy to close.. and a lot of times I just stop and let whoever pass me up because I need my space. But this morning I had somewhere to be and I'm tired of changing my life for white people...lol. But then this mothafucka starts coughing and sneezing?! Yall, my nigga immune system does not know how to handle caucasoid germs. They shits on a whole new level.... Luckily he passed me up and went in the poli sci building....

Another thing about white people I don't get.... The other day I'm standing in line at a fine establishment on my campus to get some eatery.. and these white girls come in line and stand beside/in front of me like they don't even see me. I mean, I know I'm short... but damn, I'm not invisible!

And the third thing, Why they wear shorts in 40 degree weather.. Do they not feel that shit? I mean, I know I'm not genetically prepared for cold weather. They brought my people over from West Africa and the Carribean and then we were slaves in the Carolinas before we found out we were free.. (Do your research... ) So I know that I'm made for hott weather. LOL But white people don't even have a winter wardrobe, they just rock the flip flops all year round!

But I love white people... Have a white person on your team and see if your credit score don't go up ;)

Well, I have studying to do before my un-sober weekend.

Think I'mma blog again to night about Stimulants.. LOL

1st song of the Day: shit, I can't think of the name of it.. It's Mint Condition and Charlie Wilson....

-C

God & Love

Yall.....

Today I'm feelin' much better than I was yesterday. I don't have classes on Tuesdays but it was still a little hectic. Nothing I can't deal with tho.

Just came from the gay people meeting on campus.. We watched a very insightful documentary of sorts on the bible, the church, and gay people. Really broke my heart to see a mother came to her senses after her lesbian daughter commited suicide. Its interesting to me how people pick out 'sins' to condem people with... Human nature is to exclude a group of people to make you and your group feel better. The religious world proves no different.

Made me think about issues I have with 'religious' people. Sometimes I'm ashamed to say I'm Christian because all of the negative connotation that comes with it.... I'm not the type to condem anyone to hell and I'm very tolerant of other people's beliefs.. lots of my Christian counterparts have a big problem with me because of that.... Hard fa me to go to church sometimes. All I wanna do is worship and learn about Him.. Not hate..

There's a big debate on what the bible says about homosexuality... I'll talk about my opinion on the matter later... I think that the REAL issue here is that people who claim to believe in God aren't acting like they know Him.. Meaning, they aren't acting like they have a say in the matter. God is sovreign. Its all His.. ALL of it. God has His elect people on this earth. and whether they're going to Heaven or  is according to His standard, not ours.  As His humble servants, our job is to show everyone His perfect love.... not condeming and telling people they going to hell... Yall got this thing all wrong...

(What I'm saying does NOT mean I think homosexuality is wrong at all....)

I don't talk about God much in my blog, because my relationship with Him is personal.. Thats people's problem too, they tryna broadcast a personal relationship for their own ego or whatever... and thats not how you get close to someone. For instance, I tell yall some stuff about Cheeks and I, but the love you see I have for her is a evidence of a personal realtionship... that love I have is ONLY for her and she's the only one who sees it. Likewise how it is with God, I ain't gonna type my prayers up and post them on the world wide web...

Yall won't see no prayers or love letters outta me ;)

My opinion on what the bible says about Homosexuality? Its all about the cultural and social context. We read the bible and take what it says and apply it to our personal lives. There's so many of God's people in so many different places.. We all take different things out of what it says.. We're focused on what the bible reads... But what does it say for you?

In Leviticus, God told men not to lay with men to a nation of people that was trying to grow. Two sperms don't make a baby. He destroyed Sodom and Ghommora because they were a very unpeaceful people. When the bible says something is an "abomination" directly translated from the Greek means its "not traditonal".

The bible also says if your hand is causing you a problem, cut it off. To me that doesn't mean literally get a knife out, it means get rid of whatever's causing you problems. Why do we chose when to take things literally?

The one theme that is consistent throughout the bible is LOVE. I think that is what we should be focused on. We're spending wayy too much time trying to exclude, hate and condem... lets welcome, love and encourage. The definition of Love is God. When I don't know how to properly show my love? I look at Him to see how He loves me. He sent His Son to die for My sins.. He sacrificed for me, loves me in spite of myself and sees me through His son. He loves me unconditionally and won't stop just because I don't show Him the proper love that He deserves.

As far as an earthly scale.. The love I experience today is so beautiful... it HAS to be from nowhere but Heaven. I can't fake this love I have, yall. I try, believe me. I do. Like I said before I try to look at Him and see how I'm supposed to love her. Sometime I mess up, but I hope she sees that I'm trying and I hope I'm getting somewhere close..? LOL

Well, I'm sleepy... watching the Kobe show.. Waiting on my clothes to get outta the dryer.. Got an Anthropology test tomorrow.. *bites nails*

Song of the Day: "Love" -Musiq

-C

Dilapidated.

Yall, I wasn't gonna blog tonight. But I love writing and it provides a release. Yall, i've been feeling some type of way lately, reaaaalllll stressed. I am a broke college student so its to be expected. Sometimes it just gets to me. I need a break... just a couple of days to chill... I haven't had a day "off" in a minute. Even my weekends got bidness in 'em. I'm singing on Sundays (which I LOVE) and I'm studyin supa hard on Saturdays. Doing what you supposed to do is hard and at times seems over rated. LOL
I have 3 exams this week... this weekend I'mma get my chill on. Its my friends birthday and we plan on putting them into the air till we create a nice cloud... ;)

Have I done an entry on weed yet? I think I have.

When I get stressed like I do, I tend to push the ones who care the most away. In the words of Martin Lawrence, "a nigga apologizes". Especially to cheeks since I know she's reading. Yall know that I have romantic feelings for her, but she's my friend... real talk, one of my BEST friends. She let me talk out all my problems to her when I know her old ass wanted to go to sleep. I appreciate the hell out of that. She makes me so comfortable to just talk it out and it seems like she might just care... I ain't used to someone giving a damn.. so I don't know how to act all the time. I'm trying to do better because friends are few and far between. I can't affort to lose that friendship or others I take advantage of at times.

If I call you a friend? You are God's gift to me and I'm so greatful and humble that I got you ;)

I had an entry in mind, but I'mma keep it short cause I've burned one and had a glass of wine.. and I AIN'T had my medicine in two days. My body's like wtf nigga? and my emotions are just now calming down. So, tomorrow yall will get an entry entitled: "The Things Women Do"

I'll have a deep moment since I'm cutting the entry short..
You ever think about what you want people to say about you after you die? I want people to know that I was (am) the humble servant of a King whose reign is eternal and whose love is perfect. <3

Song of the Day:. "Sovreign God"

-C

My temper, females... shit like that.

Yall, thanks to modern medicine, I've been able to regulate my temper.. but sometimes that muthafucka just comes out. When I say I have a bad temper? I mean that thing. Many don't believe me because I'm so laid back and cool most of the time.. When motivated? I get so angry.. usually I just shut-down cause I'm ashamed and I don't want anyone to see an "outburst" some of my very best friends for a decade plus haven't seen it.. I like to keep it that way.

I wasn't finna have a outburst or nothin' today, I just got particularly mad... and it was really nothin' new. Just made me realize that some stuff isn't worth it and if my cool ass is getting my feathers ruffled? I gotta remove myself. I was actually gonna blog a couple of hours ago, but i was too angry to do that. I'm cool now, did some homework and listened to some good music.. that always calms me.

*woosah*

Yall ever meet a female or male that you dig.. then you see they friend and you like... damn! why didn't I meet you first?! ("Switch" by Jazmine Sullivan). This girl digs me yall, and I think she's a sweet girl but I'm just not as into it as she is.. dont help that her friend is banging and be giving me the eye. Am I an asshole? Yes. But at this point in time I'm just being honest. Truth be told I don't want either one of 'em. At this point all I want is someone to kick it with because things are hectic and I need my space...

I just want someone to have a drink with, watch a movie.. maybe go out to the club.. women dont get that concept at all. If you nice to 'em they wanna fall in love. I HATE somone gone off me when they don't even know me.. 9 times outta 10, you gonna find out exactly who I am and wanna run the other way. Trust. Ask 5 of my ex girlfriends ;)

Now men? They get it.. and thats why me and my white husband are getting along so well. He gives me my space when needed, calls me beautiful and cooks me dinner.. but he lets my NUTS breath. We're both college students so we need that time during the week to study and things of the like.... During the weekend, we can help each other wind down after and before a hectic week on the yard. Is that too much to ask?

My text inbox stays full with "I miss you"s, "Just wanna let you know I'm thinking about you.." Yall I can't do unmotivated emotion. People say that shit because its what they think they're supposed to say. I just recently STARTED missing people and even then I only express that 30% of the time... and you're thinking about me? Thanks? But don't you gotta job or class to go to? Think about your GRIND. Make me some money... damn! LOL

And I might be lightweight hypocrite-ing because I text the 'wife' and tell her I miss her... But... I really do miss her big-head ass and I gotta tell her I miss her to get a kiss! Just playin.. boo.. hehe... Totally diff when you're in L-O-V-E. Don't let her know that tho... she might start taking advantage of that shit... (too late!)

Shout outs to my first real girlfriend. She taught me the ins and outs of relationships (part 1 anyway) and a weird relationship has manifested out of that. Told her I was married today.. lol.. (I'm not).. she didn't take to kindly to it I don't think... We argue and dont get along. But I love her very much and I reckon she loves me too. People, yall need to become friends with ya first "wife" or "husband"... I'm friends with most of my exes.. they know you the best and give you the right advice... That a good enough shout out "mami"?!

You ever have that friend that ALWAYS got a weave or some tracks? Yall, i've known this girl for tha past four years and have NEVER seen her real hair... She walked in my room today with nothing sewn or glued in... and her hair is tooooooeeeeeee up! LOL Ladies, why still get perms if you not gonna use your real hair? I know plenty of women with as much natural hair as me up under the drag... I understand that, weave and things of the like is an artform of sorts.. but anywho..  I'mma keep shaking my dreads (for the ladies) and yall figure that out..


Iight yall, I gotta get my black ass in the bed. Lack of sleep is taking its tole. I HAVE to get my sleep schedule regulated this week. I have a feeling its gonna mean turning my fone... *gasp* OFF!
 
Song of the Day:. "Papers" Usher "I know its you I love.. but I also know its you I don't like" TELL 'EM USHER!! I love yo ass but I don't like you AT ALL! I feel that way about many...
 
Respect.
 
-C

Stroke my big.... EGO. Part 2

[click on the title for part 1]

Church, last time I talked about people (niggas) getting something accomplished and letting that one thing go to their head. Today, I'mma talk about a title and a name.

Until I got to college and started dealing with college niggas? I didn't realize how much people loved reading their own name in print. Or having a prefix or something of the like attached to their name. What is the big deal? Is that why people doing all this 'good stuff' for recognition? To me, if you're doing it to benefit yourself, you're doing it in vain.

It just gets old because there are those people who do it for the love and the cause but when we gotta mix with egos? Its so counterproductive. They're so busy trying to get their egos stroked we can't get anything done! I have a prime example and I'mma take the risk of using it because I'm a bit frustrated.

I write for an independent publication. The "founder" has a big ass ego which would be fine cause her ass isn't the editor anymore right? She always at meetings standing up and talking down to us. (Remember what I said about the way you talk to semi-grown black people....) I tune her ass out. Yall, she wanted to test us on some of the facts about the publication. When she said that to us? My friend and I made eye contact and I'm sure our facial expressions mirrored each other.. "Is this bitch on helium?!"

I've said it before, you're not paying me and this isn't a credit-hour. Stand up straight and quit bending over to kiss your own ass. You gonna fuck ya back up. The people who run this publication have a LOT of nerve because with every issue the writers are putting their stuff out there with no copyright so our shit isn't protected.. Which is cool because we're young in the game, but we deserve wayy more respect from them mofos since we're taking a risk... Especially when I know who I could be writing for and how much 'merny' I could be getting per article...

In the first 3 pages of the publication? This bitch's... Ok, I'm sorry... this chick's name is in here 5 times! Then she wonder why everyone else isn't as passionate? This ain't O magazine! Ya know why Oprah can be on every cover of her magazine.. Naw, you know why Oprah HAS a magazine period?! Cause she got an empire! You a broke college student like the rest of us.. Sit down somewhere and get humble.

Credit should go where its due. I'm a firm believer of that, but she's taking more credit than she deserves and she's expecting wayy more respect as well. Respect isn't automatic from me, earn it. It cost $7. Thank you. LOL

I think some people do deserve a title, but I mean like.. President Obama.. You can't call that nigga Barack.. He's the leader of the free world... And my aunt got her phD a couple of years ago? I'm her neice and sometimes I call her 'doc' just because I saw all the work she went thru. I had to help edit her dissertation. Its no joke, yall. But there's a time for all of that. As college students we cant expect that respect right off the bat. Get humble and do some work!

I have an ego, but i'm a control freak... so I don't let that shit get too outta hand. Plus I know I'm the shit in my own right... and I don't confirm that myself. Others do... ;)

Speaking of, how do you tell someone you "talking" to that it ain't gonna happen cause you still in love with someone else? Am I gonna have to pull out some Jazmine Sullivan? I mean, I have told her but she still getting clingy and I need space, ya know? Not just cause someone else has my heart.. but just cause I need space... Space is good. Right?

I'm having an estrogen overload. I need some men in my life. All of my male friends are lightweight (if not heavy) fags and I need some testosterone to put things in perspective. I have my bro accross the hall but he's young and I can't talk to him about serious shit. Good thing I'm spending time with my cuzzo tomorrow. He's always good testosterone.

Well, i'm gone to steal some clorox wipes from my friend "Slim". My ditzy ass roomate thought it'd be a good idea to wash our mirrors with just water and now our shits madd foggy...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Problem" Trina

-C

Technology

Hey yall.

My definition of technology is an item or method that makes life a little more easier for a particular society. But... is there a point where we can become slaves to it?

There was a time when you only talked on the fone when you were home... and your ass had to sit there because the fone was attached to the wall. There were no text messages, e-mails, or tweets. People also wrote letters... I miss those.

What was so different about that time is that we communicated wayy less. Our time to talk to each other was very limited. It was reduced to when we were sitting by a phone. We couldn't pick that muthafucka up and carry it with us... We had to sit down and write a letter then wait 2 days for our friend to get it...

Now?

We can get in touch with each other 24/7 via tweet, text message, facebook, e-mail... everything! And we can communicate in seconds with anyone in the world.. I daily text with my friends in Arizona, New York, Louisiana, Illinois and I even have a new friend that lives in the Virgin Islands!

Technology is a blessing, but it CAN hinder us. Church, as a society we've let the convenience of all of these ways to get to each other hinder our communication skills. I also think that too much communication is unhealthy for any type of relationship, friendship OR romantic. Some of us don't have "Me time" anymore because our phones are constantly buzzing and ringing or we're always in front of our laptop.

Yall know I don't talk about it unless I have the issue my damn self ;)

Also, we use all of these methods as a crutch. There are some things you gotta say to someone's face. There's been some crazzy shit said to me via text and I've used a text message to get out of some news as well. AND twitter and facebook enables stalkers. I mean, we volunteer all of our information.. I'll use myself as an example... On my facebook? My hometown, birthday, school I attend, siblings names, pictures of me and my fam from the past 3 or so years... I make it easy for a stalking-basic-bitch! We all do. But once sharing that information about ourselves becomes the standard its simply.. a normalcy? Am I the only one who thinks its a little much?

And the texts? My inbox's limit is 250 texts.. It fills to capacity everyday. 250 texts times 30 days is 7500 text messages in a month! How much time am I spending texting? Yall, there are people in my life that are goood friends and the only means we communicate is via text! My lady and I? Make plenty of love thru words with our inbox... Ok, I'm not complaing about that... lol... But I still value face to face conversation. I like facial expressions, the tone of someone's voice, eye contact.... Ya know? It adds so much more to a convo than just words and a smiley!

I LOVE the sweet texts my lover sends me.. But I'd much rather look in her eyes, smell her, and watch her mouth move any day. Let me move on before I get excited about her beautiful ass.... mmmmmmmmmmm! LOL

I'm very thankful for the time we save from technology but don't be a slave to anything ok? I'mma try to do better. I used to turn my fone off every night, now it NEVER goes off. I think I'mma go back to turning it off after baby goes to sleep. I'm also taking facebook mobile off my phone cause I don't want to be so available to people. I need to have some of time to my self.

She says I care about my sanity.

Song of the Day:. "Green Eyes" Erykah Badu. I'm starting off next entry with an analysis of this song.. I LOVE IT!

[click on the title for a video thats relevant to the entry]

-C

What color's the skyy today?

Whats up yall....

Ya know, if the space you dwell in is chaotic (sp?)...then your brain will be cluttered as well. So I'm working on clearing my space. I'm a minimalist but there's a lotta SHIT in my room. Well, I just have it organized wrong.. Its really the clothes and the shoes... I cant deal with this ish... I've done a pretty good job so far of cleaning and putting thangs where they need to be. I was telling my friend the other day that I need to find me a domestic wife... Ya know, to cook and clean for me cause I eat horrible and cleaning's not my strong point either. But she gotta be a fake domestic cause anyone thats with me will be bringing a CHECK in the house.. LOL

I'm listening to the first movement of Mozart's 40th... Don't look at me side-ways. I can listen to classical. It ain't exactly for pleasure, my music professor's giving 50 extra points if we can sing it. I'm tryna get some points dig? Mozart was talented tho... a true virtuoso. His piano concertos? SICK!

Yall, I overslept today.. Those are bad for my mental.. I never get all the way up if I'm pushed outta my sleep and don't have time to lay there for a min after I open my eyes ya know? So after class I come and take an hour nap.. I had to sing today so I had to drink an energy drink... Now, I used to drink these faithfully but I had to quit cause that shit will make you twitch... LOL, my mom also told me to stop before I had a heartacttack at 25. So, the empty can is sitting here and I'm looking at at the lable.. It has Guarana AND Ginseing in it... No wonder I was jumping so much tonight....  I can't fuck with Guarana no more... and I forgot that I've been having anxiety issues for the past two days.. I had to take a walk down the street to make sure it was all outta my system..

Not gonna do a long one tonight kids.. just gonna leave you with a few more thots...

You don't start loving until you've loved a flaw. A perfection is easy to love so our ability to love isn't tested when its on something desirable. We are truely tested when we love something that might not be ideal. India.Arie was onto something when she said "Even the things I don't like about him are fine with me... cause its not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me..." To me she was saying his flaws are cool, cause I got 'em too! Its about loving WHO you with not the LABLE they can give you. I've learned that lables dont mean shiiiiii....

Also, don't base your happiness on a person... cause that's just basing your happiness on a host of imperfections. I'm slowly learning to find happiness whether you're here or not. The world gonna keep on turning... I told my friend to base her happiness on whether the sky was blue or not.. cause thats always true! Message!

Well, I gotta put the baby to sleep...

Song of the Day:. "Break You Off" The Roots <-- thats song is soooo sexy.  Yall like D'Angelo or Musiq's version better? I think D fits better cause of his smoove voice.. but Musiq's falsetto does somethin for the track too...

Ubuntu, yall.

-C

WOMEN!

WOMEN!

When I 'came out' to my dad, he shook his head and said.. "We always gonna be cool.... I dunno why you wanna mess with women.. they're a lot of drama"...

5 years later, I understand exactly what he meant. Women are smart and very competitive. Between these bithces on my facebook wall and my text inobx? I STAY in trouble with the wife. I cant go into specifics because they ARE stalkers and like I keep tellin' yall, there's a link to this right on my facebook... But they postin' bogus shit on my wall! Like this one girl who stay gettin' me in trouble keep implying that I'm  hittin' it! I don't want anyone THINK I'd hit that with somebody elses dick!

I'm slowly making the transition to grown... and I might just need to make some changes to my facebook as a whole AND my phone number.. tooooooo many people got that!

Yall, whenever I'm romantically involved with someone I always ask them what it is about me that they are attracted to. A good friend of mine realized this today so I feel that I need to explain myself. I don't do it for an ego booster (puh-lease.. like that could get any bigger.. ). I do it to see if this thang gonna work. If you like me for the wrong reasons? I know to throw ya application away. For example.. If you like my 'swag'? You'll be disappointed because it fluctuates everyday and is based on trivial shit... I get basic-bitches digging my swag a lot. I think its funny... they can't even elaborate on the factors of the swag... Ya don't even know ME!

I've asked that questions a few times... and only one person has got it right... and what do ya know.. She got to stick around ;)

Yall, its two in the damn morning... I'm suffering from insomnia of some sort. I see no reason to get in my bed. I think I'm tired of getting in the bed alone... and no, i don't want sex you nasties... I just want someone to rub my back or hold my hand till I fall asleep....  Takes me so long to fall asleep, but when I have that nice human contact? I be GONE.. lol, I feel safer or something. I didn't realize it till I got held right the other day...

Its insane how well her body fits to mine...

Song of the Day:. "Lucky" Jason Mraz
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend"

Sorry for the short entry, yall. I type loud and my roomie sleep and my mind just aint where it needs to be to spit out good words. I'll do better. yall understand

♥

-C

Gender & Sexuality Part 2: The Script

[Click on the title to read Part 1]

Hey yall, ok ok. I'mma tackle it today.

I call this part The Script beacuse from the moment we're born we're given a script much like an actor gets one before going on stage or on the screen. Our script is based on who we come out of, where we're located, the color of our skin, texture of our hair, gender and a whole slew of other things. Things on my script? Black female in America from a single mother. Thats 4 damn things but has defined a LOT of things about me.

For the sake of the subject I wont go into what those 4 things have meant for me (in this entry anyway...) but the point is we all have a script. I think that alot of people just stick to the script for the sake of comfort ya know? In the context of gender? Females play with their barbies, males play with GI Joe (wow.. I'm old) and stay in those gender roles... If thats you? Cool. But for a lot of us gender isn't that simple.

I loved barbies when I was little. (I remember wanting a mexican one..lol ) but so did my brother.. He's on his way to manhood and he's very heterosexual. I also like playing with his hot wheels cars.. When we were kids we were innocent enough to love the toys for the sake of using our imagination... I never thought my brother was gay when we'd play with my barbies... and he probably thought nothing when we made our sick ass race tracks (yall aint ready..lol)

I just dont understand why society is sticking to the script but the PEOPLE aren't. There are super masculine men, and there are super feminine women... thats who they are and thats cool. But there are super masucline women and super feminine men.. There's also mothafuckas (like me) who are just in between. Why the hell everyone got a problem because some of us dont stick to the script?

Aint nothing wrong with a little improv...

I came up with "The Script" metaphor when I was in the gay club this weekend. Gender roles truly go out the window in that environment and to me, it seems the most natural. No one's reading the script, everyone can truely be themselves. Butch? or Femme? Whatever.. you are accepted! I thought about it when I was dancing with a good male friend of mine whose super femme and does drag sometimes.. Him and I love dancing but the roles are totally reversed when we're on the dance floor and its natrual to us.

Then around 3 (when everyone gets good and loose.. lol) this BEAUTIFUL drag queen starts flirting hard with me on the dance floor. She had to be 6'5" cause of the heels. A drag queen flirting with a girl? That REALLY aint part of the script cause aint no type of lable you can put on that! Does that make "her" straight? Does that make me gay? You can't answer... and thats the way I like it! LOL

One of my life goals is to make it easy for people to live in this world and simply be themselves. Our race and gender identities play a big role in changing who we are. There are so many people who are 'different' than the 'norm' and I don't think anyone should be forced to conform. I got the confidence to be me.. but there might be people who don't have it. Conforming shrinks your lifespan...

Thats my Fonsworth for the day. Gotta go get my laundry then get cute and hit the yard for my meeting.

I'm happy.

Song of the Day:. "Be Where You Are" Trey Songz

-C

Property of.....

Folks, it seems that I've been marked. See, it all started when a certain someone came to bring me my hoodie.. She was 20 minutes LATE and was seriously taking away from my nap. I mean, I planned on being back awake before the sun went down. People just be fucking with your plans! I slept till 8 yall! I told her to write on me and she kinda went loco. She tends to do that. It says "Property of HB aka Cheeks"... she jus tryna let these hoes know ;)

She told me I was "hott" today. Meaning, in so many words that I've got involved with alotta people since her and I 'broke up'. Its a defense mechanism yall. I casually date.. and I do mean casual. Aint nobody the HB in my eyes and that'll be true for a minute. I'm fine with that. I told her today that I got girlfriends for days but she was my wife... I got a stank face. LOL

Ok, I don't feel like attacking the whole Gender Part 2 tonight.. Yall understand, but I promise I will this week.

Lets talk about my 'date' of sorts Friday... It wasn't really that much pressure, but I failed to mention that it was a white boy. We made a run to the liquor store and to Kroger to pick up some items for dinner... yall shoulda seen the looks we got. The sistas was looking at me like "you go girl" the white boys were looking surprised.. like they wanted them a sista too but didn't know that it was allowed. LOL, the brothas either looked mad at me or tried to flirt with me extra hard.... Want a black man? Get you a white one.. they'll try to get you back on the other side... It was interesting. Made me really think about what if I married a white man.. would I get tired of the looks? Things are getting better but I mean, there are still Barbarians.. the same mofos who was tryna conquer Rome.. (Sorry.. been knee high in my history book ) Anywho, idk yall I want my kids to have a black daddy... but then again, I had one and it didn't do me any good... So.... Hmmm...

My (male) cousin isn't happy about me 'dating' a white boy. He be alright tho. He likes white girls... I tell him every chance I get to get him a black girl... LOL Ahhh... some stuff just doesn't die does it?

Yall, I'mma stop talking about Trey's album one day...  I just LOVE it. I need a hardcopy... I might fuck around and buy this and I aint bought music since 8 tracks.. lol. Yall need to listen to "Yo Side of the Bed"... Its the type of song that will have you crying and you aint even going thru nothin! He's talking about how his woman done got up and left and he can't sleep without her. Its lonley on her side of the bed.. He's hugging her pillow and shit... Shewt, I'mma sing this to someone besides my roomate one day. LOL, Its very Prince. Love it. The guitar solo? Sheesh!

Yall, my back is hurtin in the middle... I mean, like I been fucked real good.. and I have NOT! UGH! I don't mind a little back pain in the name of love ;) Someone need to come do they job... you kno who u r..

Just a lil random blogging for yall... whatever's on my mind...

I'mma Buffalo Soldier... Dread-Locked RASTA!!!!!!!!!!

Song of the Day:. "Yo Side of the Bed" -Trey

-C

"You've lost your mind.." -HB

Hey yall, I know this isn't technically 2 entries in a day since it's 'round 2 in the morning.. BUT I haven't gone to sleep so my day ain't over.. just a technicality. You understand.

I was so happy to see the sunshine today. It's been dreary and cold in my city all week. I can't stand it. I feel like just laying in the bed and closing the blinds on those days.. 'specially when it gets good and cold. One day I'mma live somewhere that doesn't get under 60 and cloudless skies are part of the normalcy.. any suggestions?

Yall remember the virus I had? Made me miss a week of class so now I'm tryna play catch-up. I hate it and its overwhelming but I saw the light today. You just gotta find the most efficient way for you to work.. for whatever reason I have to multi-task. When I focus on only one thing I go so slow, but if I have 3 things to do infront of me, I put a dent in all of 'em within a couple of hours. The psychiatrist says someone shoulda diagnosed me with A.D.D. when I was younger so thats probably why. I'm the most distracted fool you'll ever meet.

Just got off the fone with HeartBreaker... she be pulling stunts yall... I think she's started to figure out the affect she has on me. She can puppy dog me via text and her hard cheeked ass knows I'll do anything when she (or her mini-me) puppy dogs me... I kept telling her that I was gonna get at her in an hour.. The last straw came when she said "call me now" and sent a sad-face.. Called her without thinking twice.. Then when I hung up with her I realized the STUNT she pulled.. I believe that was STUNT #238... ;) What can I say? I love me some her...

We argued a little on the fone. She had mad attitude and kept saying she 'didnt approve' but wouldn't tell me what she disproved of.  Yall shoulda seen the STANK faces I was giving her thru the phone. LOL, I even made it my fbook status.. Says she's gonna put me in a headlock... she must not know that I'm liteweight cock diesel and I used to lift chicks for a living.... We breifly talked about who 'else' I'm involving myself with. That got akward and heated..

I think we NEED to argue a little tho... I tell people a fight is the breakthrough in a relationship..seeing someone angry is usually the last thing you learn about a person. Its important. She told me to stop 'talking hard' at her. LOL Fact is, I don't raise my voice at any1 that I don't love...

Well folks, my back and my pelvis is hurting... but this nerve has stopped jumping in my hand (more on that later...)

Blogs that're coming soon... Gender & Identity Part 2: The Script.
Ya already got a song of the day.. but I'm currently listening to John Legend's "So High" off of his first album; Get Lifted. Good stuff.

"We can't get much closer to God than where we are..."

-C

Anti-Drug?

I'll probably write 2 entries today....

Ya know what I realized? Everyone has a drug. There's no such thing as an anti-drug. To me a drug is something that you rely on (besides yourself or your God) to make you feel better, make you sleep, make you wake up, make you horny, make you dance better.. what have you.

Now sometimes the shit is a 'drug' for real... I know I take 4 pills a day to remain sane. Well, I stopped taking one of 'em... more on how thats going later. Well, I'll just tell yall about what my drugs are.. I've been smoking weed since I was 15 years old. The first time I did was in Monterey Beach California with my dad and his girlfriend at the time (I hit that..  Scandalous!) on the boulcany of a cabin over-looking the beach. Idk who says you don't get high the first time. I was high as a kite! Had the munchies like a mofo and was laying there in the dark sleepy but wide-awake.. I also saw something crawling up the wall.. but I was high so I really wasn't scared... I was just like 'hmmmm, wonder where its going.. '

Anywho.. During my sophomore and junior years of highschool, I became a pothead. I mean, we'd burn one every morning before going in school then burn 2 or 3 more after. (Its interesting how potheads can find each other in a crowd of a thousand.) Well, I kinda grew up and realized that I didn't wanna be high 24/7. Also, my mom was tired of me coming home high and not functioning. It got rough there for a minute yall. So I did stop smoking all together for probably 6-9 months...?

Well, I made another very good pothead friend (we still cool) and we started burning again, but this time around I knew that I couldn't let that shit control me like it had before. My senior year? I did smoke a lot but I was in a leadership position so I did have to stay sober sometimes.

Now... I just recently became an alcoholic.. LOL...

I really didn't start getting pissy drunk until I came to college. I've made some great friends drunk that I never woulda looked at twice sober. LOL... Now, I've drank with my girls and they are always drunk wayy before I am so I might be a heavy-weight but I'm not sure.. my tolerance changes depending on how much I drink.. Last semester when I was drinking to get drunk once a week my tolerance got great.. I remember one night I prolly had 10 shots... Its that scenario where everyone goes and gets pissy drunk then there's no1 to drive home..

Don't be like me, kids. Be better than me.

But alcohol and I have a diff relationship than me and weed... I ALWAYS have a good experience when I'm high... now, alcohol and I don't always get along.. that one good hangover got me. I NEVER wanna feel that way again. Get you a good hangover, you'll be a very strategic drinker. I got wayyy drunk Friday night, I didn't have a hangover AT ALL the next morning. There's a way to get real drunk and not be hungover... Trust. If some1 asks nicely for my ten ways not to get a hangover, I might just post 'em up here..

But I said all that to explore the REASON I've been less than sober all weekend. I go months without smoking or drinking nothing and I'm good... but then there are those moments where its like 'damn, where my drink at' or I need to make a fone call to get my 'breakfast' here.. ya know?

Don't ask why I call weed breakfast.. Its an inside thing and you won't get it. LOL

College is hard, no doubt about that. So I attribute a lot of it to that... But even still I deal with this shit sober for the most part, ya know? I will say that this year I am involved in more stuff on campus and have more responsibilities, meetings, deadlines, and egos to deal with... Seems like now when I let loose its out of necessity and before it was just cause I was a fun-loving muthafucka...

And if I'm going out to the club? I REFUSE to be sober. I won't have a good time if I ain't had a shot of something.... I'm more of a drink/smoke and chill person anyway. I don't be wanting to go to the club with people sweating on me. Talk about a stank-face! Hell, the other night I had to get drunk then smoke somethin to go..

Judge me if you want... I'm just tellin the truth. I don't think I'm an alcoholic or a pothead.. but I ain't gonna be sober if the situation calls for something else ;)

-------------

Remember how I asked God to make me stop loving her? I know, the nerve of me to switch to God when I been talking about my drugs.. But He made me so He knows me better than you ;)

Anywho, God ain't took away that LOVE at all, He's even made my heart stretch to her a little more since she's been out of my reach. I wondered why.. but it just seems like for whatever reason, I'm supposed to love her. It makes me angry, sad, and stressed but loving her seems so natural. I mean, romantic relationship or not... I still feel so connected to her feelings.. I'm happy when she's smiling and worried when she's not. I'm also wayy protective over her and she a big girl... ((Neyo was talking about her when he said "She got her own...")) The 'frienship' thing is interesting. I think it'll be easier as we go further into it and have about 3 more heated discussions about "us".

Well, I got 15 minutes to be where I'm supposed to be... Another entry will probably come to a computer near you today ;)

Song of the Day:. "Miss Independent" Neyo

-C

Gender & Sexuality Part 1

I won't lie... last night I got fuuckkkked up.

When I say I got fucked? I mean that I drank AND smoked me a dubee... By the time I got to the club? I was feeling niiiiice... We pre-gamed at my crib. 3 of my friends and my roomie started listening to Boys II Men songs, yall... End of the Road came on, everyone was in they own little world with they drink in they hand. It was a potentially dangerous situation. LOL, but we had just rolled the blunt so we had things on our agenda...

I wont front, I miss my baby... But I'm ok. Real Talk.

Anywho, we went to the infamous gay club in my city. I like going because its mostly gay white men so I gets no attention. LOL, well, not romantic attention. ((There's the ocassional one that likes kissing black girls but since I was drunk I was more than happy to oblige..)) I was happy to see some brown faces 'round 2am. There's a big population of pretty black gay men that work on my campus. They were too cute and I love dancing with them... I like a boy that will bend over.. ha!

Also, I peeped the drag show. I dont think I've told yall this but I LOVE Drag Queens. ((Sometimes they have me questioning my sexuality...)) I just think that its such a beautiful art form... A big ole butch man turning into something that glamorous and feminine? It takes work. A good friend of mine does drag and when he first got started, I helped him get dressed when we'd go out. Its HARD work.

There's a drag show on my campus every year. I'm contemplating getting in drag (as a female) just that ONCE... I already know what she'll look like and everything... her name is Karma Star... yall aint ready ;)

Church, today I'm going to START talking about gender.
My thing is, are the traditional gender roles we play mostly biological or social?

I'm not sure. There are things about men and women that seem to be a part of our genetic make-up. Women are nurturing. Men can separate their feelings from their thoughts. Women can't. (LOL, sorry I love you tho..) But what about when it comes to how we treat people, how we see things, our strengths or something as simple as how we like to do our hair or the way we dress?

Ya know, this is a hard topic for me to try to tackle, so I'm going to start off talking about my damn self. I believe that gender and sexuality go hand in hand but at times in the LGBT world, I think they're too connected. Some people don't know what their gender identity is, thats NOT an issue with sexuality. If you don't know your gender identity, to me you lightweight can't have sexual desires because that's a big part of what defines our sexuality... knowing exactly what we are and more importantly what we're not so we know what (who) will compliments us.

I'm sexually attracted to men and women. ((For the sake of this conversation, I'm not going to consider the realtionship aspect a whole lot.. a nigga can't fuck up her credibility.. LOL) for me, I think that has alot to do with my view of my own gender. I know I'm a woman and I'm ok with that. But there are things about me that are very masculine; from the physical aspect as well as my personality and I had very little male influence coming up compared to female so I really don't know why.... my mother raised me, she has 2 sisters, I spent a lot of time with both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother and I'm very close to one of my female cousins in particular but I kind of always felt that was because I felt kind of different from them, ya know?

I love women, no doubt about it but when I'm around them in a less than romantic aspect, I always feel like I'm an outsider. But its not a bad thing... I just feel less emotional, less feminine and wayy more laid back than them. Likewise, when i'm around my female friends that are more masculine than me, I feel that I fit in real well... I think I feel the most feminine when I'm around guys, that always makes me say to myself "Nigga, you aint a man forreal, these fools are nasty.. " lol...

So when it comes to that black and white aspect? I dwell in the grey area.. and thats the one time that I'm grey.. I'm always one extreme or the other with everything else..

But I'm young, I'm mature for my age, but I'm still a kid. I'm discovering what I want in the long term and exactly who I am and what I'm comfortable doing. I like to think that I'm a chameleon of sorts. I can be one of the girls or one of the boys if needed, but I'm ALWAYS being myself.

I'mma wrap it up right here for part 2, I'mma talk about how society affects how we react to our gender and sexuality.

AND speaking of grey! Did I tell yall my left eye lash was turning grey! I have long giraffe eye lashes yall and this big grey one is just sticking out! The hairs keep turning to... Its always a mofo responsible for the start of your greying process.. I know who mine is. I won't say any names or point any elbows.. I will say that she got a nice ass tho... yall shoulda seen me lookin yesterday when she was walking in front of me!

Even tho yall don't comment, yall just tweet, text or message me about my blog, I really apprecitate everyone whose reading and thinking! Shout-Outs to my 3 favorite readers! Shawn, Cheeks and Q!

Song of the Day:. "Lions & Tigers & Bears" J. SULLY! Whoooooooo!

-The Kidd

Stroke my big.... EGO.

Why is it that there's either NOTHING going on during ya weekend or 5 different people have asked you to 5 different places?

Yall, tonight I'm supposed to go to my boys party, go chill with this chick, go out to the club with my friends, go to another party... My dance card is just full... So yall wondering what I'mma do? I'm going out to the club with my boy, cause he asked first and he's cooking me dinner and bringing me wine. Man, when he said that I started taking my pants off! LOL

I'm not sure if this is a 'date' or not. Him and I have been 'cool' since last semester... I mean, he's cooking me dinner and told me I ain't have to pay for nothin... So, I guess it might be? But then again he is just doing what a man should do in my opinion.. Romantic or not... I'll let yall know how it goes. Maybe.

I feel that I gotta apologize to one of my favorite readers.... Look babe, shit went down between us and it seems like neither one of us are feeling it. But if its necessary, then lets deal with it... (together, ok? I wouldn't have it any other way.) Its ok for us to talk, keep ya fist and ya voice down tho.. hate to have to drop you. LOL .. You didn't do anything wrong, matta fact.. you did the RIGHT thing for YOU... I respect the hell outta that. Love u fa free, no matter how many times you 'whatever' me...

Don't know what I'm talking about? I aint fucking talking to you then! LOL

Yall... hold on, lemme put my headfones in. My roomy and her friend are cleaning the room.. yes yall.. my side to.. I LOVE women. LOL

Church, today I'mma talk to yall about EGOS.
I had to put that in all caps because thats just what it is.. something thats small that's big in some1's eyes... yall ain't feeling me. Its ok, cause I'm telling the truth. I was talking to my mom today about how niggas get a title or accomplish something then start going loco. Meaning, it all goes to her head. She told me to be patient because for 300 years all we could be was "niggers" I told her that the bitch I was talking about was 20, not 300. LOL Sorry, had to laugh at my damn self...

I understand that history has affected us as a people, but lets be real.. I wasn't a slave, I've never been called colored, never couldn't drink out of a certain water fountain, and never been denied service at a restraunt. Now, my grandparents had to go through that, so it does affect me.. but didn't directly happen ya know?

[I don't know how to use affect and effect... some1 school me?]

Anyway, I'm digressing. Back to the issue at hand... EGOS.

I don't know exactly what it is about some of us that let our accomplishments go to our heads. We also confuse confidence with being egotistical. I'm confident and I get called something along the lines of a cocky asshole once a week. To me, the difference is.. egotistical mofos make their peers or people on the same level as them feel inferior in some way. They do shit like answer a question in circles just to show what they know. Makes me liteweight nauseous...

A confident person? they know who they are and dont get phased by many and wont be influenced by just anyone. They're also not willing to change to make other people feel comfortable. That REALLY makes people mad. Thats where I get in trouble.

Anywho, I was in a room with 2 bigass egos today. I mean, their egos were taking up so much space, I got claustrophobic! I can't go into specifics because this blog IS on my fbook and I don't want anyone to be singled out... but DAMN! People need to understand that the things they're passionate about might not bring out the same level of passion in others... Especially when YOUR name is ALL over it. Also, if you're in a leadership position over your peers, you need to learn how to talk to them.. 'specially grown folks... no no.. 'specially grown BLACK folks.. Everyone in the room was giving "EGO" a stank face.

Bottom line, I do what I do, and I don't do what I don't do. This shit ain't for a grade and you're not paying me. I'm volunteering and you need me more than I need you. ;)

I also got singled out off of something that wasn't a standard but a matter of opinion..  but I refuse to get mad about shit this week. I let it roll right off my back and pop my collar...

Then yall get mad when I only deal with white people, atleast they got free drinks and smile at you!

I'm not done with this...

Just tired of writing and this seems like a good stopping point..

Church, my next sermon? Me understanding why some people become an asshole....

Song of the Day:. "Truth is" Fantasia

-C

2! NIGGA 2!

I'm in an over-acheiving mood.. Yall done got 2 blogs today!

I just posed a question to my facebook fam.. I asked if it was easier being single or in a relationship... I got some good feedback.. and some ignant-ness as well.. but its to be expected... they let ANYONE on the book.

Speaking of basic-bitches on facebook.... This girl posted some shit on my wall that wasn't supposed to happen! She said something along the lines of "If I come to your building tonite are you gonna let me in?" Yall shoulda seen my eyes bug out and jaw drop! That was WAYY too much info to post on my wall, 'specially when her intentions are a bit sexual! It looks like I'm hittin' that! I'm not... could if I wanted to (*wink*) but I'm NOT! and I have so many facebook stalkers that think they my girlfriend... I don't need the drama. Mark my word... Somebody gonna text me and ask about her... Let this bitch get me in trouble again.... Ugh...

Hold on... who i'mma get in trouble with?? HA! LOL

Yall seen this bubble-boy shit on the news? Made me mad... Worrying his parents and he's in the damn attic... Saw his daddy crying on TV. I almost got emotional... but then I felt the need to take my belt off... and BEAT HIS ASS! You wasting CNN's money!

My poor roomie is sick (or pregnant)... She got the air blastin, my philanges are cold. I'mma lay down. Set me alarm for my morning run and read. Lots of studying this weekend. Gotta handle buisness...

I can do a short entry and not feel guilty cause this my second one?

Song of the day:. "Outta my system" -Bow Wow and T-Pain.. that song came on and I almost started crying... LOL

-C

Getting through it.

Something really cool ever happen to you? Like on some Harold & Kumar shit... and you know you can't tell nobody? Man, I kinda hate when that happens.....

Anywho, good morning! I never write this early. But I didn't last night because 2 of my friends and I had a movie night in my room. All 3 of us had gone through "break-ups" this week so we were all feeling some type of way. I mean, we didn't cry and have a waiting to exhale moment... but it was nice to be around people who liteweight had the same problem as me. I don't wanna talk about the shit... I don't think any of us did... but we were all just there. Its nice to have someone there feel me?

So my friend "Lovie" jokes with me that women I deal with have radar on me. I'm starting to believe her. When I wasn't single, everyone pretty much left me alone... but when I got single? Its like they coming out of the wood works! I'm not bragging because I really don't think I'm that big of a deal. I'm just telling you the truth. I had a meeting last night on the yard but a female friend of mine wanted me to go to this mixer after it was done. I really didn't want to.. She's on the eBoard of the organization that was having it so she kinda had to be there to pay for everything... So she came to the meeting and told me "I'm coming back for you..." and I couldn't properly react because the meeting was underway... but I'm like "damn, I got it like that?" like I said... ole girl was on the eBoard of this organization so she needed to be there the WHOLE time but she was willing to come back and scoop me when my meeting is over?

AND she used someone elses car to do it! I'm a woman. I know I am.. but women confuse me so bad sometimes...

But you know what REALLY sucks? I was in a room full of beautiful brown women (and men..) talking, they were buying me drinks... Everything was cool... BUT all I could think about was her. Before I walked in, I knew that any female that got in my face didn't have a chance.. and it wouldn't even be the particular female's fault... Ole girl that came and got me from my meeting is fiiiine AND has a brain... Any other time, I'd be all in her face for real...

Man, Jada Pinkett coulda walked in... ok.. Naw, nevermind.. Jada will ALWAYS be able to have my cookies... Heartbroken or not! LOL

But this whole situation is very interesting.... because my mind is fighting the hell outta my heart. I asked God to make me stop loving her... in so many ways? He said.. "Uh No.." LOL.. But my mind is doing a good job of putting things in perspective.

(Thank yall for reading, this is some self-talk.. just tryna get my mind right)

I just keep telling myself whats mine is mine and can't be taken from me.. Message! See.. you wasn't ready. LOL

Alright yall, gotta study a little then try to go get cute for my lunch date.

Song of the Day: "Whats Love (Gotta Do With it?)" -Tina Turner
the answer to that question? NOT A DAMN THING, OBVIOUSLY!

-C

My Life?

"Nigga, did you just get dumped?"
Yea......

I had to have that conversation with myself. Its a hard pill to swallow yall. I was gonna go into hermit crab mode and tell yall that I was taking a hiatus from blogging to 'heal'. Fuck that. As long as the world is still turning, I'm still blinking and breathing... I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop me from what I love to do... that includes blogging.. and drinking too.. LOL

I can't give yall the details of the situation because I must respect everyone involved. But I'm always willing to share some wisdom or an observation with yall.. The Kidd is growing up. I'm not good at 'break ups'. That's the one time I get realll bitter and go into female mode. I still have articles of clothing that I refuse to give back... and yall know I'd have bashed many a mofo or basic-bitch in my blog... (dont get it twisted, i'm still good at it.. i just dont do it anymore..lol) But this time around? I stood in my drive-way, drank a little wine, took a nap and bought myself something pretty to make me feel better. That was the extent of my wollowing...

Don't get confused, I'm hurt. I cant sit around and think about it without getting upset. Hell, I wanna be mad. But I don't have the time or energy. I shall keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through this hard time.

I wouldn't have the ability to Love this well if there wasn't someone who was supposed to get it. Until I find that person? I shall show love to every pretty smile and fat ass I see... ;)

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At the ripe old age of 19.. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with my life.. I know yall saying I have time... but I like to have a plan. Plus this school shit is a bit expensive.. and while I'm not paying for it.. someone is! LOL I don't like tying up money for too long dig?

I love writing. I can manipulate words like no one I know. I'm not bragging... I'm just telling you the truth. I'm supposed to be writing in one way or the other. I'm not sure if I wanna go into News Writing anymore... I did when I was younger.. but I've gotten involved in News Writing and I have a bad taste in my mouth. (I probably just need to find some niggas that really know what they're doing to work with.... ) I don't think I can write fiction enough to make money. I'm in the middle of a novel, sometimes I wanna write it, sometimes I don't. So.... that might be a side thing?

I've recently got into fashion. Well... not recently... But I've really considered getting involved in it. But Idk.. cause thats a world full of superficial mofos.. and I see fashion as an art form. Ya know.. using the body as a canvas.. and they just tryna look good. I can't get with it. But when I go shopping, I know EXACTLY what I want and I never see it on the racks.. which leads me to believe I could design some original shit. My vision is, my fashion line would be for females like me.. Who wasn't into being super-duper feminine all the time but still wanted to be sexy and show off their assets. I'd wanna design men clothes to. and my scarves?? Yall ain't ready... I really want to design a jacket that was a mixture of the french cut and the american... I can't even explain it... So there's plan B..

And yall already know I don't love nothing like I love organized sound: MUSIC. But I don't want to be in the spot light at all. I need my life to myself or I'll start blasting mufuckas.. I wouldn't mind producing or writing. I'll even be a background singer for a minute.. I like traveling.. and groupies? LOL

Whatever I decide to do? I'll be a house hold name. I'll change the world for the better. I'll have enough money to be a kidd and people will respect me. Oh and if I end up with a wife? She'll be a 10! I liteweight already know who she gonna be... and if I have a husband? He'll have broad shoulders, a thick goatee and a big... vocabulary ;)

Ok, yall. I gotta study... Fall break's quickly coming to an end..

Song of the day:. "Salt Shaker" Ying Yang Twins.. just beacuse its the farthest thing away from a love song. LOL

-C

Change.

I hate to have to keep speaking in general but I cant realy put my personal life out there, especially when others are involved.

Things are changing.

Change is hard for me. But I'm really trying to approach this with least emotion as possible and I kno in my mind things will work out for the good. I feel like I cant love who I want in the way I want to... but that just means I'll have to redirect my love and the method. Its hard but necessary.

The Kidd will be ok.

I'mma just focus on school and things and go back to not having a personal life. It works.

Song of the Day:. "Peace of Mind" L boogie!

-C

Let it out!

Keeping it short tonite.

Things happen to us in our pasts... and they can eat at us and consume us. Let that thang go.. I let a 15 year old skeleton out 2nite. It was a trainwreck.. but it was worth it. I wish I could go into detail, cause I love yall. But I have to keep some things out the blog. You understand.

Anywho.

Learned something about myself today. When I love? I love hard... I'm fighting with my feelings.

The feelings are winning.

Peace N Love.

-C

Sleep Schedule?

At the ripe ole time of 1am, I forget I didn't blog today. Not that its a garuntee. LOL. I didn't wake up till 'round 1pm today so I guess thats why I'm not sleepy. Lawd my sleep schedule is soooooo off. I don't get fully ready to do shit till 'round 9pm. Guess the ninja did it. It works, yall. My aunt says I'mma child of the corn. I've always liked night better. When I was a kid thats when my brother and I wanted to go outside to play. Its funny cause I be up at this time wanting to talk to people but I have to talk to all my west coast friends who are still up. (Hey Ashley and Molly!) I called my mom one night at like midnight and she was like 'nigga, i'm sleep!' Swear I thot it was like 7pm!

I need my own time-zone yall.

Anywho, twisted my friend's hair tonight. His locs are nice. I moved pretty quick. I know my hand is going to hurt BAD in the morning. LOL I'm thinking of getting a couple of people's hair to twist on the side, but I do have commitment issues and I refuse to commit to anything else this year. Always wanted to have my own natural hair shop... I might when I turn 35. Whooo, thats a scary thought. Me on the way to 40... *shudder*

Watching my boo Tyra... She has people on here asking questions about different races that aren't so PC. I'm lovin' it. I have plenty of questions about white people... Oooooohhhh.. I just had a vision.. lemme write it down.. Yall ain't feelin' me.

I have a Spanish Exam tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous. I been studying.. But I can't retain. I really need a blunt, yall. I know whatcha thinking.. weed ain't gonna help you retain anything.. but I will. Promise. Call me what you want. I been smoking since I was 15. I know these things.

One day I will live in a place where I can smoke weed freeeeeellllyy... Can't wait.

After that Spanish exam, my fall break starts! I can't fucking waiiiiiiittttttt! I need the break, yall. I'm sure you can tell from this emotional spastic ass writing I've been doing. All I'm taking home is my medicine, my laundry, fone charger and my damn self! I'm not taking  NOOOOOOOO books!! Speaking of, I need to call my therapist and my psychiatrist (yes, I got it like that) to see if I can't get an appointment. I have LOTS to tell them.. LOL

Yall my knee is cramping like no other... I'll blog more on the flip-side.

Miss my girl, yall. Feelin' some type of way.... :(

Song of the Day:. "Come Over" by Pleasure P and Bow Wow

-The Kidd

White, Facebook Statuses, Hair & Shit..

Whats up yall, feeling more and more like myself everyday. That ninja took some things out of me. Hadn't even realized it until earlier today. I'm good tho. The Kidd will b ok!

Today I let this white girl interview me. She's writing a paper on black people who identify as LGBT. I always love the questions white people ask about us. She asked me if I preferred black or african-american. I hadn't even thought about it. Its funny the things white people think are important to us aren't and vice versa. Charlize Therron is African-American. I'm black.

Speaking of black, my roomie's flat-ironing my friends hair. It's 11 at night. Where the fuck you going and why you wan have my room smellin like hot scalp? Ugh.

Speaking of again.. LOL, I'm watching MoNique's new show and she has Chris Rock and Nia Long talking about his new Doc "Good Hair"... Dude's going around interveiwing people askin them what 'good hair' is.. I'm ROLLIN'. This bitch talking about her hair's imported straight from Malaysia. PLEASE point to the country on a map!

I thought so.

Yall, its something on my spirit today. First of all, facebook ain't nothing but the devil. It ain't facebook's fault. Its the users. I just wanna network socially like the site says. Basic-Bitches have turned it into something different. Anyway, whats on my spirit is people's facebook's status. Now yall know that I wrote that entry on "Facebook Religion" couple months ago. A good good muy bueno friend of mind has fbook religion bad. Its so ignant to me. Ain't nothin like God yall, Its one of my most important relationships. I wouldn't make a mockery of the relationship I have with my momma or my heartbreaker via my facebook status so why would I do it to my God?

People so fake, thats what it all comes down to..

THEN, bitches be talking about "I'mma fuck this female up.. blah blah blah.. put her in the hospital...." for one, fighting is barbaric.. thats just me. Two, you ain't gon do shit if you talking about it on facebook. Three, just because she stepped on your tennis shoes or smiled at your boyfriend no reason to fuck her up.. Dag.

Like I said earlier, I'm watching MoNique's show.. Chris talkin about 'good hair'. I used to say that my older brother had 'good hair' because it was soft and curly.. My mom HATED that I said that and ALWAYS corrected me. Not to mention the fool's hair is really nappy he was just brushing it down real good.. (Remind me to show yall a pic of dude with an afro) Anyway....

I have good hair.

Nappy as hell, thick as hell. But people lust after dreadheads. I stay with someone tryna touch my hair. This one white girl asks to touch it EVERY time she sees me. Black guys like it the most... (Idk what people are talking about black men wanna sista with a perm...) I told yall about dude that had an orgasm when I said he could touch 'em... and HeartBreaker? When we first met she was like "ooohhhh... ya dreads are soft... " thats when I knew she like-ded me.. or was atleast sexually attracted.. (I ain't sure like ME yet... )

Get some dreads... see if ya life don't change. Am I tall? Nope.. Am I cute? Not everday.. lol.. Its the locs yall.

But one day I shall shave them and give 'em to somebody? Why? Cause I want an afro like Angela Davis... before that, a mohawk...

Ok, I must wrap up.. Nia Long talking about what "Weave Sex" is.

Song of the Day:. "Wetter" Twista (I know its a repeat.. but there's a reason)

I ♥ CHEEKS!

-C

Randomz.

So yall know how I had the Ninja and what not. One of the symptoms was a headache. I'm starting to think that the headache ain't have shit to do with the other symptoms cause it was still going strong up until this afternoon. Yall, I've been up since 4am. I'm too tired to tell if I'm sleepy. Not to mention I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep at a time this whole week. Between these weird as dreams, this headache, my roomate's loud ass and my phone blowing up?

No coma-tose for me.

And yall know how much I cherish my sleep. If I had to chose between food and sleep? Sleep... Tv and sleep? Sleep. Blogging and Sleep? Sleep (Sorry yall..) Sex and Sleep? Ok... well, I just went too far.. hahahaha... but trust Sleep will come after you hit this!

Ok, thats enough sleep-orgasming..

I still really don't have a topic. I just stood under the shower for 5 minutes tryna think of something. Nothing. A nigga ain't gonna have a topic everyday. I ain't getting paid enough.

So... I just have some random anecdotes...

Ya know what I've always wanted to do? Have sex with the pizza man. Now I just got a pizza delivered to me and the pizza-man wasn't even cute.. but wouldn't that be fly? It'll happen before I die. (If I have permission).. Also with the cable guy... now, he's usually cute. Not the mailman tho, he probably fucking everybody. Cause if I was a mailman? I would.

Ya know what grinds my gears? (this might be a new segment in the blog) White people with dreads.. For one, I just don't understand. How does that work out? Now with my hair? I SAID loc and it was like 'ok! finally something I can do!' Its another one of those "Can black people have ANYTHING?" situations... Selfish Muthafuckas... Real talk, some1 let me know how white people do that to their hair.. I'm curious. It can't be the same method negroids use.. ?

Yall, I been tryna give yall this advice for a minute. When you're 'with' someone and someone else flirts with you? Or anything 'funny' happens? Tell your mate. I learned this from my mom. (she thinks that I'm niiave about how women especially are around me) Cause evidently people flirt with me or something and if it got back to Heartbreaker from a mouth that wasn't mine? I look guilty. So I sure do tell her everything. Cause I love my boo and I'm an angel ;)

This new Trey Songz album? Goes HARRDDD. Its the one thing me and my roomie can get along about.. LOL, (well not the one thing. She's cool for the most part..) I' feel like I've told yall this before.. But I just love it.

Well, I've turned on Frankie and Neffie's fool asses cause my cousin keeps tellin' me to. Gonna lay down cause I have a feelin' I might get a solid night of sleep.

Song of the Day:. "Jupiter Love" -Trey Songz

-C

Ninja!

Ok, stop hyperventalating.. I'm back.

Girl, a nigga has been sick! I used to not get sick, I mean I used to be that cocky fool that said "I don't get sick" to people.. I've been sick TWICE this year already! In April I had laryngitis, which is something you can't "catch", so that might be an excption, but this time it was some type of virus. I hate when doctors say that... WTF is a 'virus' or a 'bug'.. nigga I didn't ask about a volkswagen! I want my sickness to have a name and a medicine asile in Walgreens.

Yall, I woke up at 5:30 on Saturday morning with a fever of 104. I thought about calling 911. LOL. I'mma horrible sick person. I walked accross the hall to get some water, took 2 more sudafed and woke up at like 7 or 8.. My sheets were SOAKED, my shirt, boxers.. everything. I even took a picture of my pillow case. I'll put it up here in a minute. Naw, I'll twitpic it. Anywho, I truly sweat out that fever in a 60 degree room. I hate sweating, yall. Its not cute when you sick..

Got so bad even my hair looks sick... and I can't even explain how that looks but my locs don't look the same. They need to be pulled or somethin. I ain't shook 'em since Thursday. LOL

I probably would've gotten better faster if I had a good environment for a sick person to be in. My roomates and seemed like 100 of their friends decided to get GOOD and drunk and be billegerant till like 3 or 4 in the morning. Now yall know I'm gay for alcohol but not when young muhfuckas who can't handle they liquor are in my space. I'm an old school drinker, I like to get drunk and go to sleep... They think they gotta be up running up and down the hall all night to have a good drunk night.. Negative. And every 5 minutes a muthafucka was throwin up in my toilet!! You better believe on Sunday morning I told them they had to clean that shit up... Rediculous. I'm so not able. There's only one type of body fluid I like.. well, 2... and that I ain't one... Whooooo.. naw.

I don't have a topic to discuss today, yall. My mind has been high off various medications in addition to the regular ones I have to take everyday. I really want to go running to give my mind a break, but I reckon I need to get all the way better before I pass out somewhere on a tredmill or 4th street.

Being sick is no fun, I mean frustration like no other. I was frustrated almost to the point of tears. I hate laying around, but thats whatcha gotta do sometimes. Take care of yall's selves people. Or find a pretty girl with a pretty smile to help (Thanks, cheeks.. I owe you.)

Some1 shoot me some topics to write about...? I'm dry.

Song of the Day:. "I'm going in" -DJ Capcom's mix tape... (Wayne, Drizzy)

OH! and in reference to my title? When I say Ninja, I mean sickness.. Like.. I got the Ninja! Ya know..?

-C