20. From a proper perspective.

Hey Hey...

Yall watch the Soul Train Awards last night? It was good, something about Toni kissing Trey made me uncomfortable. My momma said somebody need to report her. LOL... Chaka's tribute was TRUTH. I hope its on youtube. I been listenin to her and Charlie Wilson all day... Anywho, friends. I feel like I need some new music in my life. I'll kiss anyone who hips me to a new artist, or song or SOMETHING. All new music CAN'T be bull?! Hook me up!

This college life is fun. No doubt about it. But when I wanna come home to some peace and quiet and have a glass of wine? I can't.. cause these kids won't shut the FUCK up. They throw footballs in the hall, golf, ride bikes.. yall. I'm not exaggerating. I can't do it. I'm working my ass off this summer. If I can't get a place off campus, I'm getting my own room.. #BeleeeeDat!

I'm entering my last hours of teenagerdom. I can't say I'm sad to see the teenage years go. Worst years of my life... it was the end of my innocence... beginning of a whole lotta confusion and bullshit.. BUT it made me much older in my mind and my actions. I just read that... sounded like I hated my teenage years.. It was really just 13-14. I wouldn't change none of it. I've had fun, done stuff and been places that people twice my age haven't. I'm blessed. Can't wait to see what being twenty brings. I'll be a 20 year old black woman with no kids.... wow! LOL

I'm on a mission this week yall, I want my friend back. If you ain't listening, tune in now... Sometimes there are things in life that we have to do for ourselves that will hurt other people. Its just life. Life is unfair. What someone had to do hurt me, and what I had to do hurt some1 else. What goes around comes around. So we gonna sit around and cry about it? Yep. LOL. But eventually we gotta move on and look at things from a proper perspective. I love me some her, and this bull ain't worth losing one of my best friends over... (still gonna put you in a nursing home tho... ha!)

Yall, I got mad fluid on my ear, starting to believe its an infection, I feel like the whole half of my face is clogged up. Throwing my equilibrium wayy off. How do I get it off? Someone said peroxide... o_O Idk about that...

Ok, I have books to read, papers to write, women to undress... you know shit like that. Peace & Respect, yall. Thank you soooo much for reading. Its a big deal for me.

Song of the Day:. "Bless the Lord" (Son of Man)- Tye Tribbett <-- listen to this yall!!! I go all the way INN!

-C

Music

Hey Hey..

I just got back to campus yall.. My damn toilet is stopped up, and my computer was on.. Meaning somebody done been in here that ain't supposed to be! Not cool with me. Writing to calm down cause I'm kinda pissed.

Listenin' to my hip-hop playlist. I've said it before... but Biggie's song "Juicy"? I identify with it soooo well... and I don't really even know why. lol... I mean, I haven't lived in the hood or nothin'... But I guess since I've been to college.. or somethin.. people kinda treat me different... "Girls used to diss me, now they write letters cause they miss me!"

Luda's on now. He nasty, but he's a good rapper and I be feelin' him to. I listen to that song "Move" when I'm angry or tryna get motivation. They song "Area Codes"? I used to listen to it all the time back in the day. I like to travel, and I did have 'friends' everywhere. And Whats Your Fantasy? Yes, nasty and a lil ignant... but his skills are sooo aparent in this song!

Now, I don't say much about Wanye because he's turned into a phenomena and he aint cute enough to be.. But he can rap his little ass off....  I think people like him just because its the popular thing to do... But when he said "I got summer hatin' on me cause I'm hotter than the sun, got spring hatin on me cause I ain't never sprung, winter hatin on me cause I'm colder than yall.. and I will never, I will never.. I will never fall.." MANN.... As my homie would say, I went IN!

So yea, as you can see, I love music. I can talk about it all day. People say bad stuff about hip-hop... and I agree that it does exploit women but I think we blaming the wrong people.... Men will hold themselves to whatever standard a woman sets. Pussy Control. Use it. Its not ok for Nelly to run a credit-card down your ass, not ok for you to put your ass on somebody's dick in front of my kids on TV... quit doing it.. Men will jump over a mountain for the love of a woman, we need to stop making it so damn easy.

But this shit been happenin' BEFORE hip-hop. I mean, men did used to hit women over the head and carry them to caves...

I digress...

So, I've just realized that I have a lot of studying to do. I took my books home, every one of them... Didn't touch not one. LOL... I'm feeling overwhelmed.. for whatever reason I can't learn in a lecture setting.... So I have to TEACH myself the stuff... THEN study.. but I procrastinate.. so I never get to the study phase.. I need to change my ways...

Ugh... feel like I won't get to enjoy my born-day.

Well(p) There are two very pretty women on my bed... Why am I blogging?

Song:. "Doo Wop (That Thing)" Lauryn Hill...

-C

Scrabble Slam...

Hey yall...

I realize I been bad-mouthing monogamy for a minute. Monogamy is right. It just aint natural. I love it. My grandparents have been together for 56 years. They're my heros!

Currently spending time with my family. Brother and Mommy.. we was playing Scrabble Slam or something of the like... You can't play games with niggas, they like to make up words. LOL. Now we looking at pictures of ourselves throughout the years. I was a cute ass kid. I have a big ass head. Still do. Thats alright tho, I get good brain ;)

Hung out with my ex boyfriend today. Don't tell his girlfriend ;) Scandalous!

My whore-ass step-daddy got married today. Didn't even tell us. His brother told my grandaddy who told my grandmomma who told my aunt, who told my mom, who told me. Bitchassmuhfucka... This the second time a man in my life got married and didnt tell me. My biological father did this shit to. Told EVERYONE but his kids. I wouldn't marry a man who didn't tell his kids about me.. just sayin. Both the wives know about us, well.. me at least. Thats some ole bullshit.... They a couple of cowards. I dont want neither one of 'em within 10 feet of my mom, I give less than 2 fucks if they get married again... just be respectful.

Watching world's scritest parents... I'd clothesline my kids.

Wellp, gonna write about music when I get back to campus tomorrow.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" L-Boogie!

-C

Diet..

Things are better, I feel better.

The whore who jumped stupid texted me today not wanting to end on 'bad terms'... I didn't respond. If it takes all this effort for you to be in my life, thats an indication you don't need to be. She told me to delete her number, deleted me off her facebook and said she deleted my number. I'm acting accordingly.

Watching Spongebob, hilarious.

Yall, my momma done got me hooked on this TLC show, "Say Yes to the Dress". I can't see myself dropping a stack on my wedding dress. I was upset about my $70 prom dress, yall... and the brides to be, bring too many people with them. IF I get married, I'm going wedding dress shopping alone.

People crazy. Spendin' all this money on a wedding, then all this money on a divorce a couple of years later.... SOMEBODY gonna hear me when I say monogamy ain't natural. We wouldnt have a 50% divorce rate.. and 90% of the time cause somebody is cheating... SMDH. I just dont get why people commit and dont want to operate like they are?

Ok so here's the deal yall. I'm going on a diet.. from romance. LOL.. I wont be open to getting with anyone until 2011. Also, seriously considering giving up having relationships with females. It seems like the 'lifestyle' is too hard and frankly bitches ain't worth it. Really hit me the other day when my younger brother said that nature hates gays the other day. I dont want to seem like I'm giving up, and I'll ALWAYS fight for gay (and other) rights.. but as for me? I'm just not feeling it... Plus, I don't hate men, and I need someone around to lift shit and kill bugs... you know, shit like that. lol..

Laydees, I dont hate yall... I still love pheremones.. But I love ciggarettes too. I dont want lung cancer tho, you understand... ;)

I aint given up uhh ya know.. sex or nothin.. LOL... I mean, I wanna 'date' but any1 I 'date' will only be a part of my life on the weekends... And the thing is, I don't see that happening cause people wanna be around 7 days a week which is understandable... but it wont work for me... I'm tryna get a degree and change the world... Relationships, Love and things of the like? Only get in my way...

I realize I've been talking alot about myself lately.. but ya know, I'm just trying to work out what I want and need... Writing helps me. I'll have more topics soon... Who the hell wants to hear about me and my problems? -SNORE-

Shout outs to my friend who checked out my poetry yesterday. Good feed back. Dont be crying off my shit tho, nigga. Man-up! LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'm Cool" -Anthony Hamilton feat. David Banner

-C

She knows exactly where it hurts...

Aye yall, sorry for all these emo blogs lately, a nigga just been feeling that way. Usually happens around the holidays if I'm all the way honest, I always feel forced to 'like' people during Thanksgiving and Christmas.. and I don't. The holidays are soooo superficial. I don't enjoy them at all.

Yall, my cuzzo and I drove by toys r us at midnight on the way home... the line was literally 'round a mile long. I wish I WOULD stand in line for some bad ass kids.... We're in a recession, and shit like this is exactly why...

Well(p), I ain't gonna keep you long... I have mad fluid on my ears... but I do have to say this...

There's a song by Lyfe Jennings called "Must Be Nice" and there's a line that says "Must be nice, havin' someone you don't have to show, they know exactly where it hurts..." Now, I always thought of romance when I heard this song, but it applies to a very important friendship of mine. I don't use governments so I have to use her nickname "Olga"... LOL.. She's so gonna shoot me when she reads this. Her and I have been close since we were 'round 11 years old... and its funny because we've lived apart longer than we lived together. I KNOW that her friendship is God-given. She's supposed to be in my life. I was feelin' down yesterday and sent her a text and asked her to pray for me, and for some reason.. She named off all my feelings and we had a really good talk.. and I dont even know if she knew the whole situation... but she knew exactly how I was feeling.. and it helped... I'm just tryna make sure I appreciate the good stuff even when things are kinda bad like they are now.

I'm thankful for the sad times, they make the happy times THE SHIT.

My birthday is in 5 days, folks. I don't plan on being alone or sober, plan accordingly ;)

Song of the Day:. "Must Be Nice"

-C

In love with an illusion...

Aye yall.. Hope this Thanksgiving finds you feeling better than I am. It was a dark day for me.. But sometimes life is dark and sad.. and feelings don't take a break for the Holiday. Just wrote a poem... I'm not done. Would appreciate some feedback. If you read this poem and find yourself feeling guilty or bitter? Its about more than one person and the sun doesn't rise and set on your ass... Don't waste your time contacting me, my art isn't up for discussion, its up for appreciating and identifying with. Pow!

In love with an illusion...

The Woman I fell in love with
never really exsisted...
You can only fake so long...
And when my blinders
came off and your true
colors materialized..
My heart was still attached
to the illusion in you.
The illusion that loved me so good
I didn't want no mo' but craved it.
The illusion that could slow down
my heartbeat with just your hand
on my cheek....
The illusion that brought out the
man in me, made me wanna get
my sperm to ya egg ASAP.
An illusion that made me the
sweetest woman, wanting to throw
my leg over you and lay on your chest..
An illusion I see in my dreams
But not in my reality
How can I be in mourning
for something that never came to be...

 -------

And.. thats it....

Song:. "Been Awhile" Staind

-C

On my team? Naw..

Word to the wise...

If there are at least 2 people mad at you? You're doing something right.. God bless anyone who gets on my bad side... Yall, I had to drop a player from the team last night. My girls convinced me to go see New Moon last night. Now, I've attempted to get into the Twilight craze... but its a mediocre book with bad grammar and what kind of vampires don't bite white girls' neck? I ain't wanna see it... but remember how we talked about my weakness for girls and their smiles? yea.. that came into play last night.

Anywho, Even though I have no respect for her, I have respect for myself and I won't put ALL my business out there.. I gotta have something to myself, you understand. But this is EXACTLY why a nigga is NOT monogamous.. She was jumping stupid at me like she was my woman and I owed her anything. Fuck that. I never once told her that she had a chance to be my star player and she still treated me like she thought she did. Damn! I know I'm ranting.. but she's mad at me, playing victim, making me look like the bad guy when all I was doing was being myself.

CAN I LIVE?!

So yea.. back to New Moon.. that Taylor boy? LAWDAMERCY... he kinda funny looking.. But I've learned that I kinda like that. He's body is bannnging. He's def on my Christmas list and he needs to turn 18.. so I can have his little wolf babies. *Fanning myself*

Well yea.. It's Thanksgiving. What am I most thankful for this year? I'm thankful for the confidence to be me. Like Wade from Noah's Arc said who I am is someone 'a whole buncha ignorant muthafuckas gotta problem with'. Lots of things have happened to me that should make me want to change myself, but I like me... and thats God-given, yall. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Goodbye" Jagged Edge.

-C

I'm thankful for..

Her.

Love her, don't even like her. Hurts that she won't talk to me, but its necessary. I'm trying my damnedest to understand. Don't wanna be mad... but after a gallon of tears? Its Hard. I ain't mad. I'm not bitter. Its my problem. Ugh.... I miss her smile... I dream about her and swear I can smell her till I wake up. Doesn't make me sad... I don't think.. just frustrating... Other morning I woke up and felt like Will Smith in iRobot.. know how he woke up from dreaming about the robots and hit the gun with his head and said 'get outta there'... I did that same thing. (Not with my gun tho.. LOL). Wanna send her a text that simply says "I love you and I miss you..." but in the words of Wayne? "I'm richer than all yall, I gotta bank fulla pride" Why do I feel so damn poor? Worst part about all this.. she doesn't feel the same way... 

"Last Night I saw you in my dreams.... Now I can't wait to go to sleep..."

-C

Why I'm not monogamous....

"Maybe I'm just like my father.. too bold.. Maybe I'm just like my mother.. she's never satisfied"

Clearly, this song came out when I was a child for real... but even then I could identify with it. Now, this is the type of song that can mean different shit for different people. For me it means that by some standards, I'm an asshole but it's really just normalcy for me. My friend tells me that I'm 'so extra' and I keep telling her I'm just being myself...

Anywho... I had an interesting conversation with my mother today. She said something along the lines of.. "Date everyone who asks you, but don't have sex..." Cause I was telling her about the guy I been dating, and then this guy I have a BIG crush on told my cousin he was in love with me last night (more on that later) and she basically told me to date him and the other guy too... I told her that I was also dating girls.. and surprisingly she ain't really have a problem with it... she wasn't surprised either..

I think my problem is 'society' (bitches) wants me to fall in love and be monogamous (with my time and energy) and I just can't do it. I want a couple of people to date, and if I'm completely honest, one or two to have sex with as well... for workout (orgasm) purposes only.. lol.

I don't like monogamy because I don't like to be questioned... don't ask me who's calling/texting my fone... when I want space, I don't want to have to justify that... I don't want to be known as "so-and-sos girlfriend" and I don't want you to be known as mine either.. I don't like to be associated with anyone... (ask my people I go to school with who I hang out with? They have no idea, I'm always on the yard alone.. )

I don't like monogamy, because I got played.. and I NEVER want to feel that way again. Thats the REAL reason that anyone doesn't like monogamy. Tell me otherwise and I'll show you a liar ;)

Safe Sex kids, don't give me a heart attack..

Now, the first guy I'm dating is great. He knows I date other people, I know he dates other people.. Hell, we've even all gone out together. Its so natural to me to have 2 or 10 girlfriends and boyfriends. Is that a crime? Ya know, its biological, primates are NOT naturally monogamous creatures. Apes be hittin 2 or 3 on the regular and it works out well for them socially. Read a book.

Laydees, yall know I love you.... and I try not to sell yall any pipe dreams... but why do yall still wanna fall in love with me? I have NEVER been able to casually date a woman. There's always a slew of double standards. Women get mad when I'm not jealous of whoever else they dealing with. I mean... if we're in a committed deal, its a different story.. but if you're not my girlfriend? You're not my girlfriend. I dunno how else to say it. Females I deal with stay jealous... AFTER I've told them that I don't have 'girlfriends' and there's a 90% chance I'm dating someone else. If you don't like that situation, why even get into it? i'm telling you up front because I want to give you a chance to say "Ok, that ain't me.." which is FINE. But don't waste my time..

I like romance, I like affection but I don't like commitment. There's a 90% chance that you ain't the one and I'm just trying to have a good time. I've only thought that one person was 'the one' and she won't even talk to me now... So this ain't unmotivated.

I went to see Precious last night. Monique's performance was GREAT. I shed 2 tears off that, yall. The movie lacked plot and did not leave you happy afterwards... but hey.. went to see it with good people, this is when ole dude told my older, male, psycho cousin that he was in love with me.. I think I had one of those "oh shit" moments in my head... My cousin just nodded and said "She IS love-able.." I was VERY surprised. LOL

Well(p), time fo me to do some more packing. Going home tomorrow to do some cooking, yall ain't ready for my skills! Pow!

Song of the Day:. "The Point of It All" Anthony Hamilton.

-The Kidd!

Tender!

Whats up yall? A nigga been feelin' real tender lately. My boy asked me if I was pregnant... lol. Maybe its the holiday season or the new perspective, whatever it is I just wan be The Kidd again. Emotions ain't me!

Yesterday was good to be emotional tho, my choir does "Feed the Families" every year. Its a community service project where we basically give Thanksgiving dinner to needy fams around the city. I was glad to be a part of something that was bigger than me. I been real down lately about my own problems and they didn't seem like a big deal 'cause I mean, I never worry about food or clothes or anything like that. I can't imagine. There's a scripture that says "Where your treasure is, your heart will be also"... I always try to give my 'treasure' (my time and money) to something or someone else. Cause treasuring myself? Not cute. Message!

So, I can't seem to get 100% healthy from this flu. I'm still coughing, (not as much), throat stills sore, and a nig still has all type of congestion. The Nyquil helps, but it also puts me in a coma every time I pop it. So yea, I refuse to take any more medicine. I need some juices and berries to heal me... lol.

My mother challenged me not to change my fbook status for 24 hours. Its been 22. I haven't died yet. Kind of refreshing actually... She also challenged me not to get on fbook for a week. I'm going to do it, just not ready. I HAVE took all facebook capabilities off my fone tho. Mobile and all. I can only access the book from a PC. Its a big deal. Don't judge me.

Going to see Precious tonite with my cousin and friends. Can't wait. I been feelin' tender but hopefully detachment has kicked in with this alcohol I been drinkin and I won't shed tears. Ooooohhh popcorn... .lol.

Was watching the AMA's JJ did ALL her hits. LOL, I love me some Janet. She made me fall in love with performance. She's a HELL of an actress too...

Friend of mine made me a mix CD cause I was feelin' down.... ITS BUMPIN, 'caramel'!!!

Laydees, I have a question.. Why do yall (we) respond so well to disrespect? I mean, I'm nice to a woman and I become a geek, but when I disrespect her I'm sexy? I long for the days when being disrespectful comes natural to me...

Song of the Day:. "Kiss" Prince.

-C

Not 100%....

Is she baaaaackkkkk?!?!

I dunno.. Don't go having an orgasm just yet.. I couldn't stay away too long. Truth is a nigga LOVES writing. I've been doing ALOT. I've learned that I'm a very impatient person. I want things to heal, grow and change over night and its just not going to happen. Its ok tho. It IS happening so I'm bless-ed. I'd be lying if I felt like myself all the way. I don't. But I'm breathing and blinking.

I got that influenza yall. The doc told me I had it, I went outside and started crying and called my mother. Clearly doesn't sound like me.. just trying to give you a hint of how OFF I've been lately. 3 bottles of cold medicine later? I still ain't 100% better and I'm still coughing a VERY deep cough. Flu's outta my system thank goodness... But anything triggers a cough and cold medicine has other affects that I ain't even know about.. Still trying to figure out how its working with my regular medicine and other factors.. more on that later.

Yall, up until very recently I enjoyed a lot of blogs with little emotion triggered. Last night I read my boy Adam's blog and tears came to my eyes. Maybe because it was so honest, maybe because he talked about me and related me to someone who was very important to him.. or I could relate to his relationship? Either way... Check him out.. Click on my title and that'll take you to his blog. He's a VERY intelligent and insightful guy and I think I gotta lightweight crush, admiration, infatuation thing going on with him. Has alot to do with the fact that he's kinda mean.. lol

Good news? I get lightweight PAID fo my words now... I'm down 20 lbs.. Try to stop me if you want.. Be prepared for an #EPIC FAIL!

Alrighty, working on my article... trying to wind down at the same time.. talking to mi madre.. clearly.. too much is going on...

In conclusion, church... I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not back 100% physically or emotionally... some things have to happen to get that together and its out of my hands... well, I refuse to spend anymore energy on it. LOL..

AAANNNDDD... I just might be... done.

Song of the Day:. "When It Hurts So Bad" Lauryn Hill

-C

Taking a Break.

Alright folks, lets get serious for a minute.

Yall know how I feel about the truth even if it means showing my weakness. I recognized that I'm very blessed and I'm thankful but at this point in time? I'm not happy. Hell, i'm rather angry if I get real honest. My writing will reflect this and for that reason it has to go into my notebook (not the world wide web) for a while. I'm not trying to play the victim. Hell, I can't play one... cause I AM one.

My goal is to get my mind right and my heart empty by my birthday, I refuse to be sad on my 7300th day! (Do the math)

I'll be back in less than a month.. Hopefully a week's time.

They tell me hate is just confused love. My love is REAL confused.

-C

Brick Wall

I'm turning into a bad person.

I feel so emotionally dettached from people, today... and I think the emotional dettachment is just an excuse not to be angry... No, MAD as hell. I don't blame anyone because the way people react towards me is totally my fault. Yall, I was at a workshop that I go to every year all weekend (more on that later, it was GREAT!) and I think I got a fever and a cough from pure exhaustion.

Now, I don't tell people when I'm sick, because I don't want to be bothered, hell I don't want to be bothered when well here lately so I try to stay low key... For whatever reason, a nigga's fone was going OFF like WHOA last night.. I mean, when I'm sick, I can only sleep for 2 hours straight at best... I'd have millions of texts and missed calls!

No1 loves good conversation more than I do... but these mofos that callin' me? Don't want SHIT. I think thats what makes me truely angry. Like, dude.. You callin' me cause you bored? Who do I look like? You better turn on Family Guy if you want to be entertained. I'd understand if I was actually nice to these people... but I literally have been staring at my phone ringing for the past month and not answering texts...

Do people enjoy talking to a brick wall?

I understand why good people become assholes. Its happening to me. I don't like it. The situation mentioned above? It ain't why... but I can't discuss whats really getting under my skin.

I think my feelings just might be hurt.

Idk how to deal with hurt feelings, my first instinct is to get angry... Idk, I wanna punch a bitch in the face... but.. I'm too pretty for jail... Ok ok, I'm going to write me a very angry letter and not send it, if that doesn't work... Uhh.. Whats plan B?

Song of the Day:. "Break Stuff" Limp Bizkit

-C

"African-American" Vs. "Black"

Hey yall, the kidd has a topic today. Church, today I'll be discussing African-American Vs. Black. 

Now, let me first say that 'race' is NOT biological. I COULD go into why it isn't, but who wants a science lesson at 8:30 in the morning? Well, you might not be reading it at this time, but I'm writing it and I ain't finna get into it. Anyway, Race is SOCIAL. Human's always want to make their group seem better for whatever reason by excluding another. Thats where race comes into play. (If you ask me? White people have been threatened by us Darkies since the beginning of time for whatever reason...)

Now, when a white person asks me if I would prefer to be called African-American or Black? If first thank them for being racially conscious cause the fact is, they really don't have to be. Depending on who it is, I'll say black cause I'm American and not African.. You can't go too into depth with white people when it comes to racial identity, cause I mean.. yea.. they ain't gonna get it... 

But I've gotten into this discussion recently multiple times with some black people. It is true that when you look at me you can assume that my ancestors were from Africa. But BLACK people have been stripped of their cultural identity, and it ain't our fault. Call me what you want. But I'm NOT African. I'm American. My mother was born in America, her mother was and her mother was. How close am I supposed to feel to my "African roots" when we haven't been there for 'round 6 generations? Plus, what IS African-American anyway? Africa's the second largest continent in the world and you can be white, yellow, black, purple or green and be from Africa. Not to mention, the HUMAN race started in Africa, by the standards we use to determine "African-American" we could ALL say that we are "African-American" right?

My father is married to an African woman. They're from Liberia. It took me eating their food, dancing to their music, playing and working with them to realize that my ass wasn't African... Yea, we're all dark, our hair is nappy... but our cultures are VERY different. I will say that there are some consistencies between African's and Black-American's culture. We both like to eat! ha! 

So, I'd say that I was black. I'm not insulted when called "African-American" tho. Hell, just don't call me colored! LOL 

That being said, we as black people have WAYY more to worry about than what we'd rather be called. Like.. oh, I don't know.. Health Insurance?

Song of the Day:. "Whats Going On?" Marvin Gaye

-C

Colleen ♥

Hey yall...

Much Love and Respect to my friend Colleen. I found out she passed away today. Its so hard to see my peers leaving this Earth. We were in 7th and 8th grade Spanish class together. I can't believe that she's gone, her voice and her laugh is still so real to me. I thank God for the good times we had as kids and I can't wait to see her again.

I'm heartbroken... Not good at sharing my issues with people, I know who I wanna call and talk to cause she'll just listen and make me feel better, but... idk.. think i'mma pop in a movie and will some sleep to come.

Real entry tomorrow. I got some topics on my heart to talk about.

Tell somebody you love 'em, they might not be here tomorrow!

Song of the Day:. "Live Like You Were Dying." -Tim McGraw

-C

You can find me in the club....

Yall, I've said it before. At my tender age, I'm officially over the club scene. I love drinking and dancing.. but people don't act right. Granted, I did have a good time last night because of the people... But there was mass fuckery going on. For one, when I got to the door, this bitch frisked me and had wayy too much fun. She reached all the way up my leg like I was hiding something in my uterus and I definitely gave her the stank face.. and she looked at me silly when I didn't go in and waited for her to frisk my girls. Cause they half naked asses might've ended up pregnant with her havin' the friskin job!

THEN my yougass suitemate is drunk ass hell and showing her ASS literally and figurativley. Yall, I don't like taking care of drunk people (especially when I'm drunk) but I don't want to see nothing bad happen to a young niiave girl who don't know any better. I mean, she JUST started drinking and EVERYtime she's gotten drunk she ends up crying and hugging the toiletbowl.. For one, thats an indication that you too immature to handle the bottle. Its ok to know your limit and when to put your cup down, hell its necessary. Take it from someone who used to get pissy 3 times a week, I'd always know when to stop, give someone the keys and tell them that I'm VERY fucked up and not to let me dissappear... It takes maturity to drink, and if you don't have it.. in my opinion your young ass needs to eat a fruit roll-up and sit down somewhere.

*SMDH*

But all in all, I had a fairly good time dancing. I wish people wouldn't try to get me pregnant on the dance floor (HUSBAND) but its iight.

Well, gotta go to this wack ass meeting of egos. I'm so hungry, sleepy and hungover. I have a feeling that I'll either be giving blank looks or stank faces when I roll up in there. I hope "egoista" got fucked real good last night and she got her mouth under control... cause today I can't garuntee that I won't say something back. I did NOT get fucked real good last night...

Song of the Day: "Blame it on the Alcohol" -Jamie

-C

Libido? Brain?

Ok, just some thoughts before I go to the club...

White people are so racially insensitive. Yall should see this conversation I'm having on my facebook with one of my white friends.. All started from a status about how I felt that black people should be so quick to criticize the president because he was so important to us as a people... yall, I won't go into it.. but the kat got blinders on for real... Blinders called white privilege.

Must be nice.

Its one of those rare occasions that I'm going to the club. I need it. I need to let loose and get a lil tipsy. This is the first time my roommate and I've partied together. It should be rather lethal cause we don't act right at all on the regular.. Imagine how we gonna get with some drinks and loud music. I'm pretty excited... cause I'm partyin' with my boys and I haven't in years it seems...

I hope I have a hell of a hangover ;) LOL

Why do women who are interested in me only try to stimulate my libido? I mean, is that all you're worth, sweetie? I need my mind to be stimulated first.. then my heart... THEN my libido. I mean, I can turn on a porno and get horny.. anyone with a third of a brain can get me excited. I need a woman with a mind and a heart. Call me crazy?

I want a boyfriend anyway. I'm working on it. I requested him on facebook. I can tell he likes me.. he just seems nervous when we talk or somethin? What can I do to get him to come out of his shell? he's such a cutie.. a chocolate dred-head? whoooooo... LOL

iiight yall... Just some food before I go out.. Talkin to a young lady I kinda dig... lemme spit game! Oh yea, she told me I didnt' have to!

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill

-C

Control

Control? Yes Please..

Hey yall. Figured I'd come at yall with a good topic today since I haven't in a minute. I know what I've promised you and I promise they're coming. Gotta marinate on them as I say.

Church, today I will be discussing my Control issues...

Now, my control issues have been a long time coming. My father's the biggest control freak I know. That is the ultimate reason why we don't get along. He passed it on to me and The Kidd will NOT be controlled. Now, he didn't raise me at all so maybe it is genetic.. But I don't have a psychology degree so.. I can't speak on it too much. I was raised around  women that I love very much.. my mom, aunts, grandmothers, cousins... At some point, I became protective over all of them and I think my protective nature over women I love is directly related to why I'm such a control freak..

Now, I don't know WHY I became so protective over them, because in my generation. I'm on the younger half...

Also, I'm rather spoiled and especially in my (healthy) romantic relationships I'm drawn to women who'll take care of me. Much like a woman would take care of her husband or her son.. Yall, I really don't know how to take care of myself, I never had to learn, hell I don't want to. LOL... I gotta girl that texts me every morning and tells me to take my medicine, another that wakes me up from my naps, a friend of mine vacuums up my side of the room... Yall... even writing it I feel like a spoiled brat.. But yall know how I feel about the truth.

(At the same time, I don't recieve anything I'm not willing to give... not important right now tho)

Since my romantic life no longer exists... Lets speak in general.

Examples of me being a control freak? I don't like waitresses and waiters picking up my cup to refill it before they ASK me if I want a refill. A nigga can't just want ice? I don't like for my ciggarette or black to be lit up by someone else while in my mouth.. My homie pointed those two out to me.. Lets see what else... I wanna push my own floor button in the elevator... I don't like working in groups cause I wanna do all the work myself.. I have issues with the way people edit the shit that I write. LOL.. While I don't like driving, I don't like riding much either cause it makes me nervous when I'm not in control...

I'm a certified control freak if I ever seen one, and I don't get along with other control freaks... This girl got straight kicked out of my room for thinking she ran ANYTHING up in there. I wish I could tolerate it better, and I actually am making an effort to give up some control because I know that it will result in me being less stressed and what not..

I just wish I could explore the root of my fear of losing control so I can ultimately over come it.... Its interesting because until someone I loved told me that I had control issues, I really didn't even see it... But a nigga does like control and now I'll let anyone who's dealing with me in any capacity know I have control issues and its best if they don't eneable me.. LOL

Back to my romantic life for a minute...
When it comes to men? I feel more comfortable giving them control just because of the 'man-woman' roles.. but it still feels funny.... Now with women? I'm looking for someone who will let me be me (a control freak) but also someone I can submit to. I don't want anyone that I can walk all over. Thats no fun.. I need a woman that can tell me to straight up 'shut the fuck up' because if not? It wont be no fun for her.. and I don't wanna be resented.

My boy told me he got strong lesbian vibes from me and I think my dominant, protective nature translates into masculine thus giving people the misconception that I'm a lesbian and that dick isn't my top 10 favorite things... It is TRUST. LOL..

[[I like men because I can have sex with them and they not fall in love, (sorry ladies... yall can't do it) sometimes I just want to be sexed real good, and roll over and go to sleep. It ain't about being taken advantage of, to me its about being sexually liberated. Hard for us to see sex as JUST physical which is why I don't (can't) do it too often... Sometimes a nigga just needs a good workout and release and I don feel like giving myself the five  finger discount very often, its crucial if I do that.. ]]

Anywho, I have a good lesbian friend who REFUSES to believe that I have dated, been in loved with and fucked men. Call me crazy but what lesbian can't understand someone's sexuality when hers goes totally against the norm?

I digress.

Each day, I realize there are more people reading my daily words than I think. I just want to send some love to whoever's reading and let you know that my blog is like my therapy and I really appreciate if you read and enjoy. Don't hesitate to let me know... Special shout out to my #twittercrush... ;) Where my T-shirt at?

Yall need to check out Trey Songz's new video. I had 3 orgasms.

Song of the Day:. "Invented Sex" Trey Songz and "Pussy Control" Prince
2 fer 1!

-C

A portion of a poem in the works.

Hey yall, I'mma share a portion of a poem I'm working on, I'm not done with it.. Just gonna share half..

In a (my) perfect world...

In my perfect world,
there'd be no parallel
between your feelings
and mine.
I'd operate for me
only
and on my own time.
Your smile would give me
no spark
Your touch would have
no take.
I'd dwell peacefully in my
own desires
Not yours or anyone wlses
I'd have devine peace in
being so selfish...

Alright, thats all you get! Lemme know whatcha think! I haven't been writing poetry like I used to.. sometimes it does come to me tho..

-C

On the dawn of 20...

Whats up yall? Waiting on my clothes to dry, thought i'd share some thoughts. I know I owe yall a couple of blogs, but due to my present state of mind and feeling, they would come out wayy too bitter. I don't want yall to see that side of me. I need to have the proper perspective before I speak on things. You understand ;)

I'm a month away from my 20th birthday. I'm rather excited.. Not exactly sure what I wanna do. I have a lot of December babies to celebrate with. We might pull something together and invite 17 butt naked b-tches over... you know how I do. LOL.

Oh, and sorry if you have a problem with my use of the B word... As my friend says.. "I only call bitches, bitches" ;)

But for real, there was a time in my life where I didn't think I'd see 20, or my 3rd semester in college. I'm so blessed and very thankful that He has let me get this far. Everything's not perfect, there are certain things in my life not going my way.. but guess what. I have a LIFE to be ungrateful about!

So, I been watching TV since I got back from some events on the yard. Yall see this Kate stuff? When did it become ok for us to share the intimate details of our personal lives on national TV? I mean, how much money are your children worth?! I know TLC probably paying for a lot of stuff... but them kids gonna resent the HELL out of her for publicizing her divorce like that.. Hell, I resent(ed) my mother for getting a divorce PERIOD.

Oh yea, I implemented a new app of sorts on my blog.. on the bottom there's buttons you can push and leave your opinion.. I think the choices are harsh, funny, truth... So since yall won't comment.. Just push the button, please.

So we had an event today on campus.. a group came that was against the death penalty.... Now, I'm all for social justice.... and I KNOW that the death penalty only creates more victims... I support that theory... But... I'm all for that shit! LOL... I don't want to be for the Death Pentalty, but if you kill someone I love? You wont' have to worry about it.. I'll take care of you myself. You made your choice when you thought you could take someone else's life into your hand... I'd rather see 'em suffer for a decade or 5 then kill 'em.... Whooooo.. thats a dark side of The Kidd I don want yall to see.

But for real,  I wouldn't be sad to see the death penalty abolished. There's other things I'd much rather see happen tho.

Call me an asshole? You're probably right. Its not unmotivated tho ;)

Alright yall, gotta go get my laundry and finish cleaning.. I'm hungry as well. Who gon get me somethin to eat?

Song of the Day:. "Every Girl" Yung Money "Sanaa Lathan... Megan Good... Angelina Jolie... D. Woods"

-C

Healing.

Hey yall, I feel much better. I'm not good at these things called emotions. I'm actually a rather emotional individual but due to a series of events, I just keep 'em to myself.... well naw, I suppress them... that thing is unhealthy. Take my advice, let your emotions out somehow! I did and I can't explain the release... yea, letting 'em out might cause an argument or something.. but at least its on the table... When you let your emotions out? You can look at them... its good for detaching. When your emotions stay in? They strangle your insides... call me dramatic, but thats the sensation I get when I'm feelin' some type of way and can't or wont let it out.

*sigh*

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... This new month and new week is a good excuse for a new outlook. I'm worried about people not treating me right? But the creator of Love got my back... He's the one who lit up the world simply with his words and he lets me see the sun come up every morning. I can't be worried about people who need a electricity, a lightbulb, a lamp and a lightswitch to get some light... and then still might not get it...

And real talk, He's given me some greatttttt people in my life. I appreciate them muchly and I should spend more time dwelling on those who do it right than who do it wrong. Sorry, Cheeks. I see the effort, I appreciate it. Sorry it didn't work out... For the record, you do it right more often than wrong. You've been a VERY good friend. I'm an ass for saying what I did.. Blame it on the emotion of the moment. Gonna miss the Bobbiz..

Just wanted to blog again to let yall know that I ain't suicidal...lol. Blog topics coming up? "Why I understand assholes", "The joys and pain of bisexuality" and a sub topic will be my love-hate relationship with tobacco.

Shout outs to a VERY good friend of mine who worries about me wayy too much. Words cannot express how much I appreciate you. Thats why I say it so much. I really am forever in debt to you. I'm not worthy of your love and attention but I'm soooo thankful that I got you and you got me ;)

Song of the Day: "Trading My Sorrows" -Israel & New Breed.

-C

In Pain.

Yall, I be honest... I'm feelin' kinda bummed. Well.. VERY bummed. I HOPE I can blame it on PMS later...

A hard lesson for me to learn is that people aren't going necessarily  to treat me how I think they should. The thing is.. I can have the highest standards in the world and make an effort to treat people as such.. but it don't mean I'mma get it back. So why do I keep treating muhfuckas so nice? Hell if I know... Well, I do know its because of who I am and whose I am. I've been called to treat people with love and if I stop, I'm not being me or who HE wants me to be...

That don't mean it won't be painful tho.

Not to brag, but if you have my love? You a lucky mofo... When it comes to those who are mine, the word "No" is seldom in my vocabulary. I always try to help out, or just be there if ya need some help... But what I realized last night is those same people who I treat with so much love are the LAST people I call on when I need anything.... I mean, I wish I could call on 'em, but I know that I'mma just be disappointed cause a muhfucka always got 3 excuses for why they can't help me out.

I ain't bitter. I'm just telling the truth.

And I'm not blaming anybody.... People show me how fickle, immature, insecure, selfish, and full of SHIT they are and I still expect them to treat me a certain way. It's my fault. I have to start acting accordingly. If you an asshole, I'mma treat you just like what your name tag says.

*sigh* It sucks bad, Its a buzzkill If I ever seen one. I didn't even pick up the bottle last night, yall. I'm frustrated as hell, I feel so defeated and I'm experiencing the worse kind of pain. It ain't physical at all.

Its crucial that I make some changes to how I act towards the people around me. It was so much easier when everyone got the deuces and I just kept it movin. Everyone's acting with their feelings at top priority... So why ain't I? My eyes are red and burning from all these tears I shed all night, and I'm sure the muhfucka(s) that I was upset about were sleeping very well.

I'm leaving all of October's pain in October.... Officially Over It.

Gonna share a portion of a poem later. It expresses my feelings way better.

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India. Arie "Good morning independence or is it lonliness?"

-C