Hey babies.

Um. I don't like acronyms. But FML.. it ain't that deep. I just want to make some changes. For one, I want another job. Two, I was going to church this morning and realized I can't fit in any of my skirts. Now don't get it twisted, I like me. A lot. But I want to lose weight. Dunno how much. But I know I want to put a dent in it before I go back to school. If I can tackle it now I know it'll be easier once I get back...

Can't wait for that by the way... I need my own space.

So the plan is to consumer 1200 calories and walk 2 miles a day. Hopefully It'll work.

(My brother's putting my hair in a ponytail... not successful)

Ok, I can't concentrate... So I'mma do a song of the day and try later.

Song of da Day:: "Unbreakable" Alicia Keys.

-C

"I want something else, I want the stuff thats never enough.."

I'm feeling some kinda way yall.

One of my jobs fell through. I feel like I mentioned that before. Anywho, I'm looking for a new job, done submitted my resume everywhere. I'll have a job by next week. I speak it! It shall be!

So, my mom came home giving me mad fever about turning the AC on. Black people and their... blackness. I ain't on it. I left and went for a run. I was mad. I didn't want to disrespect my mother. She aint gonna talk to me like I'ma child either. My anger issues must be getting under control because I would've went off a couple of years ago. Or maybe I'm just in a numb state and don't give two shits. The latter is more likely... because lately I've been feeling angry. I hate living in this house. I need my own space. This woman-child cannot live with her mother for much longer. It ain't workin!

Reading E. Lynn Harris' "If this World were Mine" He's a great story teller. Loves that he gives us a view into the gay-world with out completely leaving out the straight one either. We all live here together. Contrary to popular belief, we exist together as well. Especially in the black community.

Listening to Robin Thicke's "Something Else" I think it's his newest album. This white boy jams. I like every song on this album so I can't pick one for the song of the day. But check it out.

Well, back to my reading. Not going out tonight. I want to be alone with my thoughts. Ever have one of them days?

-C

Movies.

Hey yall, One of my jobs didn't work out this summer. Damn recession. Oh well, you know I always gotta plan B and C.

So, I went to the movies last night to see Knowing... Hated it! It was a great premise for a movie but the climax sucked and the denoument was even worse. [I'm way analytical. Like my ex-girlfriend, you'll have to get over it ;)] It was so not a sci-fi flick to me then at the end some damn pedophile aliens just wanted the kids to be on some Adam and Eve shit. Not cute.

Then I went to see Haunting and Connecticut... Now, I'm not racist.. But white people just do some stuff I don't understand. I say this because it's based on a true story. The moment some funny shit was going on, I would've moved the hell out. The spirits only wanted someone to set them free, they were trapped in the house. They wouldn't have chased anyone. All they had to do was go to the Holiday Inn while ole boy was getting the cancer cured. But I guess that would've been a 15-minute movie? LOL

I love movies, I love reviewing them. Wouldn't mind being a critic. But I don't want to sit around and watch movies all day. I like to be entertained so thats probably why my critiques might get a little shitty.

Well, there's more I want to discuss, but this entry is sufficient for now.

tomorrow? men who need bigger testicles. [figuritively]

-C

"Kinda"

Hey yall, Lets see how well I think in the morning. I've never wrote this early unless I was on my way to class but since those days are behind [and in front of] me...

Church... the topic or shall I say.. question that I'm going to address today is... Can you ever be 'just friends' with someone after you've been in a romantic relationship with them? [[That being said.. I'm NOT talking about having sex.. I'm talking about a RELATIONSHIP.. big difference.. different topic for a different entry..]] Anywho... I was talking to one of [[what I thought was]] my good [male] friends. We always discuss different topics.. but once I came up with this one.. I knew it was a mistake.. because he been tryna have sex with me ever since his dick could get hard. Like, it doesn't come up every day.. But it comes up and it irritates me. The fact that he's willing to just throw our decade old friendship out of the window for a nut that he might or might not get is an insult to me. Not to mention the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all.

But anyway, he gave his opinion... which was full of shit and way to intellectual for him.. and I gave my opinion which of course kept it all the way real ;) to quote myself directly I said "... Once I've established someone as a good friend, I don'tpersue anything more, and I def don't have sex with 'em" Then he responds "So we can't have sex." PAUSE the movie... This made me really mad and yall shoulda seen how I was looking at my fone [we were texting.. don't think i mentioned that]... So then I said "Who? me and you?" he said "Yea" Then I said "Do you REALLY want to have sex with me" and yall know what he said??? Do yall know what the fuck he said?!?!?!?!

"Kinda"

So.. I'm just supposed to open my mothafuckin legs and let you into the goodies off of a Kinda?! Who the fuck do I look like? Lil Kim? Negative!

Ok.. I'm sorry I know I just said fuck like 20 times.. But thats the type of shit that just grinds my gears.. Thank you for letting me get ignant for 17 seconds.

But yea, that was the story.. I told him stuff to make him scared to want to have sex with me. If there's one thing I know how to do its how to scare a nigga off.. I said "It may not seem like it but for me personally, once I have sex with some1, it can't just be sex... There's always a level of intimacy for me... And if I see 'em with some1 else then I get very jealous because whats mine is mine" Then he had the nerve to act like his feelings where hurt... AH WELL!

People, the point is.... There's not a revolving door on my shit.. and in the past, I've kinda acted like there was.. But I'm growin up... The next person that gets in this will have put in work!

Song? Shit.. Idk...

That was pretty good for a morning entry?

-C

Trees. Part 2 [from a different perspective]

So, I just realized that I haven't been doing songs of the day. I think I owe you 3...

"Coldest" -Tank - 3 songs in one, listen to it.

"Daydreamin'"- Lupe Fiasco, this song is the shit. I can tell this nigga got high and wrote this song, but I love it.

"All falls down" - Kanye, correct me if this is a repeat but clearly this song is why I love hip-hop. I know every word and I almost started crying when he did this song at his concert.

Ok... Now moving on. Today was Women's Day at my church. I went to both services. I'm tired of church so if you came here to read about it, you'll be dissapointed cause I'm not going to talk about it because I'm burnt out.. Except for that girl with them nice legs that came and sat RIGHT in front of me. Lord forgive me for lustful thoughts, but You made her sit there!

So my brother [from another mother] Jordan, who left insightful comments on the 2 previous entries... has come up with this dope ass ;) tree metaphor for experiencing love if you will... Now, I'mma get it wrong but he likens it to how climing your first tree will never compare when you climb other trees. Its so beautiful. I had to share. I can't directly quote him cause he ain't bout to sue me...

As I get older, I'm learning what love is and how excited I am to experience it. I've got some glimpses, chilled with some bushes.. but I ain't got my tree yet.. I'm in no rush, I kno it'll happen ;)

Now I would make this a song of the day... but I want to discuss it... "Every Girl" by Lil Wayne and Young Money... what.. yall thought I was gonna talk bad about it?! I LOVE THIS SONG! I like it because no matter what yall say, Wayne is a sick ass rapper and whoever Young Money is... is iight to! I LOVE word play.. this song has a lot...

"I think you're bionic, and I don't think you're beautiful, I think you're beyond it ;)"

-C

Like a Bird.

Hey yall...

I'm not satisfied.

I'm like a bird, I wanna fly and experience new things. Being back home in Lexington.. I feel like there's nothing for me to do.. and I feel like my old friends ain't going nowhere. Like.. we went bowling and to waffle house... that was cool in high school but now that i'm in college its like.. that shit gets old. Higschool was great, don't get me wrong.. but that part of my life is over and in the past for a reason.

Moving on.. Cause I'm in one of those moods.

Yall remember me talking about Sonic and how she got eliminated? Well, I was at McDonalds the other day returning a movie.. [Redbox yall] and she texted me asking me to come over.. Well, I was bored and idle hands are truely the devils play ground.. plus I was down the street from her crib.. so I went over there... Man, I wasn't in the house 10 minutes and her hands were all over me...

I don't like that shit.

For one, I was trying to watch TV... Two, I didn't agree to play 'Find Carrie's Uterus'... Three... disrespectful! If I come to chill with you, thats what the fuck I wanna do... I hate to be felt up especially when i'm not horny... and she was not getting my negative signals AT ALL.. just kept feeling me up.. Needless to say, I got up and left.

One thing I've realized about myself is that I'm a natural agressor especially when it comes to females. For the most part, I find myself very uncomfortable when a female comes at me.. especially physically... I dunno why.. but I just don't like it. I'm a self [and other] proclaimed control freak... I need for a female to have a level of submissivness for me initially..

Is that too much to ask?

-C

Open Minded.. aka the Mac Story.

Hey readers...

This is a milestone blog. This is my first blog on an iMac. I'm lovin this stuff. It's such an experience. I refused to Mac it up for a long time but hey.. I'm open-minded so I checked it out. Its dope stuff for real... Shout-outs to Heidi who's lettin me use her dope ass iMac.... Kudos to Apple..

Heidi lives on a dope ass farm. She got 4 dogs, some cats, 2 snakes, a donkey and a goat. The goat's name is Angela. She head-butted me. Scared the holy hell outta me. But I'mma G don't get it twisted!

Well, I'm about to watch Twilight to see why all these white girls are excited. I haven't read the books. Don't plan to. Don't see how a vampire doesn't suck blood or is allergic to garlic... but hey... like I said, I'm open-minded.

B easy.

-C

Truly Inspired.

I'm watching The Biggest Loser finale. Can't believe these people have lost 100+ pounds. I'm inspired. I wanna lose some weight myself before I go back to school, the freshman 15 is not a good look for me. Walked 2 miles today, did a 5k Saturday. I'm well on my way. Look out Kirstin! I'm comin for ya!

So, I'm textin my ex-boyfriend. Me and him have a love-like-hate relationship. I miss him. We dated when we were freshman. Oh yea, this is the guy I told yall about, cheated on him with my ex-girlfriend. Scandalous. I know... I was young and horny.... [[Well, I'm still young and horny but I have a brain now ;)]] Not who I used to be. He gotta girlfriend now... white girl from the boonies... not feeling her... not threatened.. wish he'd break up with her... I'm getting what I deserve tho.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. Idk whats wrong with me. I don't want to be around anyone. The idea of going out with my friends doesn't appeal to me. Part of it is that this is Lexington and there's nothing to do but bowl, eat, go to the movies or go to walmart. I ain't on it and I did try to get my friends together to go to a movie but nobody hit me up. I guess I didn't really want to cause I was just like 'fuck it'...

Hell, maybe there's nothing wrong with satisfaction in solitude...

Song of the Day: Look Up

-Carrie

Eliminated.

Yo.

Mother's Day was yesterday. Got my mom an mp3 player. My mom's truly an amazing woman. I could go on and on. She raised me and mi hermano alone and I'm so thankful.

So, I realized that I never told you the story of how this chick got deleted from my harem. See, this girl we'll call her... 'Sonic'... Sonic told me that she's never been with another girl. Now, I kind of believe this because she's real nervous around me, but I went over her house one time and we was watching Dora the explorer and within 5 minutes her hands were roaming... and I'm not talking about sprint roaming either, I'm talking about down my pants roaming! So, I don't believe I'm her first girl... but that really has nothing to do with anything.

I haven't really made an effort with Sonic because, she seems to easy. Plus, she used to mess with my ex-boyfriend. Scandalous.. I know.. Plus, she ain't much to look at. [[Fuck you, I'm visual]] Second, she ain't that good of a conversationalist and I feel like she's taking advantage of me AND just wants sex..


There's your background info... A week or so ago, she texts me and says she wants me to come pick her up from work and take her home.. then leave so her dad can bring her the car... I wasn't feeling that... Didn't want to run into her dad [who's a preacher] and picking you up from work isn't part of the deal. Who do you think you are? My girlfriend. NEGATIVE! So then the next day she asks again and says something along the lines of, if you don't come get me i'm not going to wanna 'chill' with you. Red lights started going off... She was offering up her pussy for a ride! Which made me realize that it must not be that good, or she must not THINK its that good if all I have to do is take you accross town to get the draws. Either way, I wasn't touchin it. Secondly, She was just taking advantage of the fact that I have a car.. Wasn't feeling it... So she got eliminated...

Then I saw her at a lil open mic shin-dig I went to last night. She sends me a text message... Which I HATE... if we in the same room, don't text me. Just come up and talk to me. Anyway.. the text message says "We still cool?"... I roll my eyes and close my phone.. No time for games.

I'm grown in the '09

Song of the day: That's why you're beautiful.. Beyonce, GREAT SONG!

-C

Horny?

Hello...

So.. spent quality time with my brother. He went to prom today. So tender. I remember those days just a year ago. So glad I'm not in highschool anymore, but the memories were great... anywho..

I've come to a realization, it was somewhere between starbucks, my home, a mcdonalds cheeseburger and a ciggarette (still haven't quit.. :/) anywho, I'm always fucking digressing... The realization is...

I don't have to have sex every time I'm horny.

If you're a regular reader, i'm sure you know that I love physical pleasure by now.. But, lately I've found that my sexual experiences have been less than satisfying... [[I realize that this is kind of personal, and that a link to this is on my fbook but hey... if you don't wanna know, click the X]] It's not just that I'm not having orgasms [cause I ain't!]... its the psychological-ness as well? It's like I ask myself, what did this person do to deserve entry into my body? If I'm having these conversations with myself [during SEX!] I feel like I just need to take a step back and chill out for a minute.

This world is so sex-crazed.. I just feel like it's not THAT big of a deal. My male friends especially always talking about how horny they are.. I just don't see why you can't jack off real quick and get ya mind right. Check out my masturbation entry... Not me promoting my own entry within my own blog.... lol...

I was horny the other day, like 5 minutes away from calling someone I really didn't wanna be around just for that little bit of unsatisfying attention... and I took a nap instead, woke up and I was like "I'm so glad I didn't call that mofo... just needed a little sleep to supress the horniness.." lol

Guess, I just want the sex to be gooood... and not just sex to be having it ya know? Maturity.

-C

Apparently, I'm racist.

Yo!

OK, so I changed my facebook status to "shopping for mothers day... where are the 'ethnic' cards.. I can't give my grandmomma a card with no white kids on 'em!" Now this was almost meant to be funny but this white girl called me racist! Said it was just a color and that I should get over it... Get over it? What?!

The color of my skin is wayy more than a color, it's a body shape, a hair texture, a passion, a song, a food, the way I dance, the way I clap, the way I sing, the way a walk, the way I talk, the way I FUCK and the way I see the world. I'll be damned if a white girl calls me racist cause my black ass wants to give my BLACK grandmomma, my BLACK momma and my BLACK aunts some mother's day stuff for BLACK people!

Not to mention, the people that caused this 200 year old rift between blacks and whites are WHITE people.

Ok, there's my rant for the day..

-C

Infidelity.

Hey yall, I'm watching American Idol. They suck. Where are the black people for one... They all sound alike for two... Variety is the spice of life.. I ain't Baracking my vote at all...

Anywho, Church.. my subject for the day is going to be infidelity... I for one am totally against it! Surprised? I would be to.. cause going by my previous entries I talk about sex as a sport and a harem... But I like monogamy. This comes up because somebody's WIFE is tryna get with me. It's very funny, and I might even write a story about it...

I love facebook, but the book done got me in trouble! I wrote in my honesty box "Would you shag me" and I gotta yes... a pink yes.. meaning it was from a female. I was intrigued. Through wayy too much conversation, I found out it was a young lady that I graduated with.. Since she's Latina lets call her Crusto. Well, as mentioned before.. she's someone's wife. I was very flattered. Flattered and Tempted... Very tempted. Shaggin somebody's wife?? The scandalous-ness of it was enough to get me going...

But... I came to my senses.

I stayed up all night thinking about it.. something was telling me to get my black horny ass out of the situation or something REALLY bad was going to happen. I didn't listen to my gut before and I ended up heartbroken... so I decided to listen this time. I ended it. She ain't taking it well. I have a feeling she's gonna do some 'Obsessed' shit.. She been blowing up my fone and my Facebook. Told me that me and her were "Forever" I almost busted out laughin at that one. I ain't forever with single chicks.. I for damn sure ain't forever with someone's wife. I'm sorry for being so cynical... but reality is reality.. I mean shit, somebody gotta die!

Anywho, I must be maturing or something because in my younger days I probably would've fucked her and not thought twice about it. But I can't just fuck people's wives and girlfriends cause I wouldn't want nobody fucking mine. What goes around comes around and believe me... It has come back around, yall! [[The story of my girl and my best friend on another day]] and it ain't even because of the Karma factor... It's respect for myself ultimately. I'm better than just being someone's side-dish. I was the side-dish for so many people because it was easy and somewhere deep down I thought that thats all I was good for. But... I'm wayy better than that. I'm so glad for the maturity to recognize that I don't need to be 'boy'friend #2 in the street OR the bedroom.

I ain't looking or anything.... but I'm not going to settle. I want whats mine to in fact, be MINE and only handled, loved, protected and provided for by ME.

Song of the Day: Cry Baby- Janice Joplin

-C

Grief

Hey yall...

Went to church yesterday... A young man in my city passed away in a car wreck a couple of weeks ago. He was the younger brother of one of my good friends. The greif of young people is way more passionate than old people. We had an emotional time. Made me miss my pastor.. cause well.. it just wasn't handled like it should be. But hey.. what are ya gonna do?

Anywho, hard for me to talk about stuff like that..

I read something in my church program yesterday. I might scan it and let yall read it. It was very inappropriate, from the wrong person and in bad taste. This nigga tried to address the way young ladies dress in church... UGH! Idk why we are sooo concerned about how people dress in church, i do believe that you should come the best you can to God's house.. But people have different interpretations of that.. and as long as you're reasonably modest... whats the big deal?

I just think we should be more concerned about getting souls SAVED than skirt lengths and dumb ish like that..

Song of the Day: Dear Life- Anthony Hamilton.. this song is sooo beautiful!

-C

FML

I'm bummed. My car broke down last night. I hope it's not an arm and a leg. Cause right now all I can afford is a finger. UGH! Its Sunday morning, tryna get my mind right for worship. Can't go in the Lord's house without the right mindset cause you will honestly get nothing.

My thought for the day: You can be a fat UGLY white woman and still get a good looking black-man. On the other hand, a fine intelligent black woman.... don't get me started.. LOL

Well, gotta get in the shower and then eat my McGriddle.

B easy, hope you're feeling better than I am.

Song of the Day: Tye Tribbett "Who else but God"

-C