2009: A synopsis.

Alright, this is probably the last entry of the year because tomorrow I'll be shaking my booty on some unsuspecting young man in the club tomorrow.. Lets get right to it.. Wait.. lemme put on my damn glasses....

In 2009,

I realized that love just isn't enough. In the words of  Jazmine Sullivan "Just 'cause I love you, and you love me it doesn't mean that we'll ever be. "

Oh yea, I started this therapy session known as a blog.

I liteweight came to terms with my sexuality... which is against what I believe in because to me, sexuality is on a continuum. I love men. I love women. Confused? No. Greedy. Yes. LOL....

In doing so, I realized I live in a world that tells me that something as natural as breathing to me is wrong. At times laying next to, loving, kissing and holding a woman is my home. Will I do what the world wants me to do and be unhappy? Or be with who I love and still maybe be unhappy?

I fell in love with a very smart, beautiful, sexy woman who I can't say "No" to.

I realized that she's not that into me.

I learned many things about myself. Silence makes me very anxious. I love music and in 2010, I wanna start playing again. Probably taking my keyboard to school with me <33.. I also realized that if I'm not sexually attracted and liteweight infatuated with someone? I can't get with 'em... no matter how well they treat me.

In 2009, (just saying it again for emphasis)

I dated (and still am with) a white boy. I like him a lot. He's taking me to the Derby!

I realized what I can tolerate and what I can't. I'm learning to be more open with my feelings. Its hard. I still don't know how to say some stuff. But 2009 was the end of me being disrespected without consequences.

My locs turned a year old.. They're growing faster than ever. I freaking love 'em.

I had the worse hangover of my life. Resulting in me blowing chunks in Sonic's drive-thru... Resulting in me being very careful about my drinking habits. I've learned to get loose and not be hungover the next day. I don't enjoy those at all.

I neglected writing creatively .. and I'm paying the consequences. I can't get a poem out to save my life.

I lost 20 pounds.. I told yall I didn't wanna be a DD cup.. I wasn't playing.

I fell in love with Twitter...

Ok.. I'll end on a happy note.. this seems emo..

I can't believe I'm about to tell yall this...

In 2009, I had my first two 3somes. hehehehehehe...

Alright. I might video blog tomorrow on the way to the club with friends. I've always wanted to see myself drunk. I love yall... Keep reading in 2010, I promise, it'll be better!

Songs for the New Year:. "That was Then" Anthony Brown.. "Moving Forward" Hezzy Walker

-C

Padres and Ex's...

Hey yall.. What do yall think about the video blog? Writing's my first.. no.. second love.. so I ain't gonna stop doing that. Just thought you'd connect better if you heard my voice.

Anywho.. I saw Law Abiding Citizen last night with Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler ( from 300..) it was the best movie I've seen in a while. For one, Foxx is a TRUE double threat. Makes particularly good music (when he wants to..) and is a hell of an actor. I might fool around and buy it on DVD. I won't tell you about it, go see it!

While I was watching that movie, I got inspiration for a poem. I thought about how someone feels about themselves when their parents are together as husband as wife, versus when their parents are not. From first hand experience, it does something to how you look at yourself when the two people who made you don't exist together. My parents don't hate each other, but the LAST thing either of them wanna do is be together. They ain't said it out loud, but I know this. I just wonder how my life would be different, how I would be different if we were all in the same house hold.

It has really affected how I see things. My innocence was gone at an early age. I realized that everything wasn't going to be traditional and a perfect happy picture.. But I also realized that "traditional" didn't mean better. I met someone last night whose parents were still married, lived in a much bigger house than me.. and was STILL a fuck up. I come from a small single parent home.. and I'm doing ok, I think. I also learned that "traditional" isn't typical...

Anywho... remember I told yall about my psycho ex liteweight stalking me? Showed up at my grandmomma's house Christmas day. I HATE when I'm in a situation where I'm the only muhfucka that feels awkward and uncomfortable. She's so damn immature... and 6 years my senior. When I break up with you, or decide to stop talking to you.. I'm done... and thats it... plus, this bitch gotta girlfriend on the army base in japan she was stationed at... I WILL not be anyone's booty while they in America. I play women. I don't get played #kanyeshrug...

Ok ok.. I mean.. I USED to play women...  The point is.. like my boy says.. "Don't play a playa.. don't bull-shit a bullshitter..."

-sigh-... I'll be so happy when I'm safe back on my college campus where she can't find me.

Lessons of the day.. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they have anymore maturity than you do. This applies to multiple people in my life. 2, I'm not a big deal.

Song of the day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" Vivian Green.. EXACTLY how I feel...

-C

Don't read.. Watch!

Stalkers n Shit..

Hey yall.. this is some craaazzy shit...

I go up the street to Sonic after my nap right? I get home and park my car, and I get a text from my mom that said "_____ is here"... Said person is this girl I used to mess with a year and a half ago.. Went to the army, I was aware she was back in the states.. but for her to show up at my house? I mean, it wasn't a big deal because she's  a friend of the family. So it wasn't on no stalker shit to the rest of the fam in the house. Only my mother and I... The whole break up was kind ugly or something... Long story I don't wanna get into it.. But it just caught me off guard...

Anywho, I ain't come here to talk about that girl...

I'm sure I've told yall how forced the holidays make me feel... The real thing is.. I think about how Christmas used to be and how it is now.. My grandaddy passed away a couple of years ago... my great-grandmother before that. I miss them alot. We spent a lot of times during the holidays together since my "big nana" was from Mississippi.. Just hard now that I'm grown and they aren't here. I miss 'em everyday but the holidays are worse. Some of my best childhood memories are associated with them.. and I don't wanna talk about it to my fam, cause I don't wanna make everyone sad and stuff.

I'm cool tho.. no tears here....

Was talking to the twit fam about some 2009 memories... I might dedicate a whole entry to that before I get pissy... but lets see.. in the '09, I met a couple of people I know I won't be able to get rid of ;).... Finished half of my second-year of college which was a challenge for MANY reasons.... Got some grey hairs... Lost 20 pounds <-- very proud of that.. I wanna release at least 20 more in 2010... and I fell in love <3

Song of the Day:. "Good Mourning" India.Arie

-C

Don't Force It.

Seasons Greetings and all that bull...

I'm watching Bad Girls club.. I've liteweight got into this shit.. I'm ashamed, but hey.. it's break. Natalie for real looks like Jay Leno... I'm so over reality TV tho... Ray J's show is hilarious. Danger's fucking psycho. Beautiful as hell... but not wrapped too tight AT ALL. I'd have a show like that 5 boys, 5 girls. I promise it'd take 2 episodes tops. Everyone would probably get eliminated first round. Especially the females.

Yall, I hate the holiday season.. Ok, hate's a strong word. I don't hate Christmas.. its just I hate the culture of it. Everyone's running around like headless chickens tryna get people gifts that they might not necessarily like. All this wiggity wack Christmas music is playing.. I feel so forced to be into something that I'm just not feeling. I'm not a kid anymore. All my kids are gone... I don't see the point.

Now I love New Years because of course, I can get shitty with my girls.. I plan on doing JUST that <3

Thanks to all the people who read and give me positive feedback and advice on my blog. I really appreciate it. A special shout-out to my girl "High Demand" when you gonna send me some poetry? We need to have a war of words!

Alrighty yall... Still debating on taking next semester off or not. My family's getting on my nerves so it looks like I'll be comin on back.... But idk.. there's other stuff I wanna do..

Song of the Day:. "Water" Lauryn Hill.. I LOVE this song. I might have an analysis of it on your desk in the morning ;)

-C

More Advice.

Hey people. Yall gave muy bueno advice yesterday... Shout-outs to my friend from middle school, said she reads my blog everyday. I didn't even know! Who else is reading?! 

Coming to America is on TV, this is my all time favorite movie. Its funny as hell but also a very good cultural movie. Yall know I be on my anthropology.. 

Anywho, since yall give good advice, I need some mo'.. dont get tired of me.. 

In a nutshell, there's this girl I was talking to and then we stopped talking. Period. Then... she comes back in to my life and I tell her that we can be FRIENDS with no pressure of romance. I'm simply just not interested in her in that way. Now, I knew a friendship wasn't going to work out.. cause she proved her low maturity level.. so of course she's been flirting and on this reminiscing shit... I feel disrespected that she'd still try to go there after I told her that I wanted no pressure.. Now, I'm not a mean kidd [haha...] so I don't say whats on my mind when she says shit.. but I def don't flirt back.... Its super frustrating... 

So.. should I tell her that she needs to chill? Not talk to her all together? Or just do nothing? I don't want to hurt anyone but not at the expense of my respect. Lemme know something, yall. 

Ok, I'm wayy to distracted, talking to madre, watching coming to america, reading proverbs 3... 

Song of the Day:. "Officially missing you" Tamia

One last thing... I've truly learned what unconditional love is.. in spite of her actions, I love HER. The person... and I'm fine with that. I asked God to make me stop loving her, He said, No. LoL... 

What is YOUR definition of Love?

-C 

The Kidd needs advice..

Hey yall... I need some advice. See, I'm not one to express my feelings, especially when someone hurt my feelings. I just... rather leave it alone... I'm non-confrontational. But I need to do better, cause I always wanna know when I hurt someone else.. thats the last thing I wanna do. Anywho...

I told yall about my whore-ass-stepdaddy getting married and not telling me or my little brother. Now, he has no obligation to me even though he did marry my mother and HAS been in my life since I was 2. My brother is his son and thats my issue. Why do men do that shit? I don't have children yet.. but I can't imagine making a life change and not telling them.. Hell, I liteweight cussed at the ex wife for not telling me something that was wayy less important than getting married... [love u! lol]

Anywho.. the issue is.. He keeps sending me these corny ass forwards so I'll respond and ask him about his marriage. The thing is, I'm not on it. He has LOTS of nerve TEXTING me some lame ass love forward when we have BIDNESS that we haven't attended to. He's the adult in the situation and needs to come to somebody and let them know whats really going on. The ink isn't dry on him and my mother's divorce papers, he has 8 kids besides me and is married and I can't get a fone call?

So what I'm asking is... Should I be the one to start the conversation? Or should he? I don't like to be disrespected and I def don't take to kindly to my little brother being disrespected. Should I put my pride aside and be like 'hey mofo, what the hell.." or should I just leave it alone and keep my blood pressure down? [Its at an all time low, yall!]

Yall know what to do.... Tweet or Text it since yall won't comment. UGH

Watching the Cleveland Show. I have a feeling the baby will be just like my son.

Song of the Day:. "Bettah" Jonathan Nelson
[click on the title to listen to it.. ]

-C

Contemplative.

Hey yall, realized I hadn't blogged in awhile for me... Just gonna share my thoughts..

I might take this spring semester off. I haven't decided yet.. I just wanna perform to my full potential, a nigga didn't do horrible this semester, but there are some factors to why I didn't do as well as I could and I might need to take time off to cater to it. Feel me? I'm praying and asking God to do whatever it is in His will for me. I kinda wanna join the peace corps...

Did I mention I hate driving? I don't bring my car on campus, but of course I'm home for the holiday and my fam has me driving all over this town. I hate it. Especially this time of year, people don't know how to act right. Will the world end if you don't get ya gifts to people? Negative. The craze is unmotivated and simply done because.. well, everyone's doing it.

Isn't it white-santa's job anyway?!

I'm watching these woman cops on TLC. Mrs. Officer indeed! I love women who can run with the boys...

Alrighty, enjoying my break.. contemplating about what my next move will be.... i'm getting my degree, regardless. The pursuit of it just might need a break... Not sure, yall know my girlfriends and boyfriends on campus will be mad at me... ugh.

Song of the Day:. "Peace of Mind" Lauryn Hill

-C

You comin for MY sexuality?!

Whats up yall? Finally finished with the semster. I hope my finals aren't as stretched out next semester. I was so done. So burnt out.. I'm sure you could tell.

So, I chilled with my brother "social-justice" and the girl yesterday. We watched World's Strictest Parents. I love that show. It was also very refreshing to talk to people who had brains.. Like I love chillin' with people... but the conversation is always some shit I'm not interested in, especially when its people my age.... but last night was cool, we talked about something very important to me. Sexuality...

Bro and I both agreed that we HATE when people come for our sexuality. See, we're both what you would consider 'bisexual'... and people stay coming for my sexuality! Meaning, I've heard "You have issues with your sexuality..." or "You're confused" And its always a bitter, unhappy closeted muhfucka. I think thats what makes me so upset.. That they coming for me because THEY have the issue with my sexuality.. because I'm comfortable in who I am... and they gay ass isn't. Its like... You a dude that stays on your knees and you 'straight' or you a chick that STAY knee deep in some pussy and you hetero?

The thing is, I never really retaliate when someone tells me I have an issue with my sexuality or some dumb shit like I need to choose. Maybe thats where all this passion is coming from. I just think the fact that you talking about something so personal to me makes it look like you're avoiding your own issues. I don't look at your sexuality unless you give it to me to analyze.. meaning, you tryna hit this... and even then I might not look if its just sex....

Honestly, I don't ever analyze nobody else's shit like that. I KNOW I have my own problems, and Carrie's always the priority. (Oh gosh, I keep using my government)... Not many things offend me, but if you wanna offend a nigga quick? Come for my sexuality. I hate that shit.

Anywho, going home today.... No reason to stay here I suppose... Don't really wanna hit home either... Its whatev. I guess..

I gotta pack and shit.. Ugh. and I'm so sleepy cause I def didn't sleep till 5am.

Song of the Day:. "Lets Rock" Chrisette Michelle. I LIVE for her facials! YES!

-C


CAN I LIVE?!

TI-RED!

Hey yall, I'm all the way burnt out. I'm not even leaning to the left like I do when I'm tired, I'm leaning to the RIGHT!

One more final to go. It's Western Music.. I'm sure I've already expressed my disdain for music with no drums.... So I'll keep it moving.. Its not even midnight and I feel like shit. I usually get a second wind around 1am, but I doubt I'll be up long enough for that to happen.

I just stared at the blog screen for 10 minutes sighing... Thats how tired I am... This won't be a long one folks...

I enjoy hanging out with the male species. They don't take ANYTHING personal which works because I never mean anything as a personal attack. Women take EVERYTHING I say and do personal, which is fine. Was just refreshing when I hung out with the boys tonight.... I could just be me and not have my "woman-guard" up.

I haven't ate this whole day. I'm so nauseated. I don't want to eat... and I NEVER lose my appetite. Its just because I'm super stressed, super tired of this fluid on my fucking ear and kinda down about things. A nigga's ok.. just reflective I suppose. Good days and bad... At least I have days to reflect.

As I get older, I learn what love is. I learn how to love. Love is when you don't fucking know WHY you love this mofo, but you do. I'd go get the moon for her, on foot... and I don't even like her. Weird.. but I'm fine with that. Hope she takes advantage..

Alrighty yall, watching Monique.... Jennifer Lewis is on there. I LOVE HER!

Song of the Day:. "India'Song" India.Arie.. you ever get reaquantied with a song and fall in love with it all over again? I did on the way back from my final today. Good stuff.

-Carrie

(I know, I'm tired, I'm using my government!)

Seeking

Whats up, yall?! I'm still on a high from today's services. This morning pastor preached about the "Seeker"... What I took away from the service was the famous scripture... Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of Heaven and all its Righteousness and EVERYTHING else will be added. (Matthew 6:33). Its so true, yall. I've been seeking fufillment in a lot of empty stuff. I just needed to be reminded who has all of what I need in His hands. Message!

Then, went to the church's Christmas concert with Jonathan Nelson. It was epic! The choir's sound was GREAT. Some beautiful songs were sung.. they really spoke to me... One especially said "It already looks better!"

So, i'm watching the Jackson special. Capitalizing off your brother's death? Not Cute. The Jackson 5 without Michael? #EpicFail..

Anywho, just wanted to share some thoughts. Talking to my guru about my love life and hers. Well, mostly hers cause mine is non-existent.. Did go with a guy I like to the concert tonight. I mean, it was church so it wasn't a date. But he flatters me so well. I told him I already had a big ego and not to do that. LOL

I gotta again say thank you to everyone who reads and shows me love. I've been getting a lot lately. I don't think this blog's a big deal. I just love writing and it helps. Shout-outs to a very special reader "Nhamo".. Girl, if I wasn't on this no woman diet? I'd get you all the way pregnant! Pow! LOL

Song of the Day:. "Chasing After You" aka the Morning Song by Tye Tribbett

-C

Spanish and shit..

Hey yall... Currently listening to "Darling Nikki" by Prince. I fucking love him. I like a man that screams a little.

I'm going ham! on this Spanish. I have this final tomorrow morning at 8am ALL the way accross campus. I hope I do well, I always do well on finals for some reason. I can speak spanish, writing and spelling? Not so much. I'mma pick it up as a minor tho. Its a marketable skill. Anything to make me more mulah baby...

Anywho, I apologize for the last entry, but I'm sure you feel me. I was angry and the rant helped me. Cause I was really about to go off. I'm trying to do better, yall. A nigga has anger issues so this is where I come to let 'em out. Writing provides a release.

I can't wait till the break. Just wanna spend time with my mommy and the rest of my family. I know I'mma miss my friends tho.... But they blow a nigga up so.. I'm sure I'll be tired of ERRYBODY by the time 2010 rolls around..

Aiight yall, thats all I had to say.. but click on the title of this entry and it'll take you to a beautiful poem. My friend hipped me to this poet. His words are beautiful. Captures how I feel sometimes. Read and enjoy! Oh.. Its called "I Can Write the Saddest Lines" by Pablo Nuerda.

Song of the Day:. "Kink Push" Lupe Fiasco

-C

Disrespect.

Alright, its quickly nearing 3am why the FUCK am I up?? My roommate and company woke me up first coming in all loud. That shit is so fucking rude. When she's sleep and I come in? I'm as quiet as can be you know, cause I know how I feel when someone comes into my peaceful sleep and fucks it up! But the story gets better!! She starts FUCKING! And I don't mean we-tryna-sneak-and-fuck-cause-your-roomate's-in-here-fucking... I mean... LOUD fucking like yall husband and wife and this is yall's house for real! I mean nasty fucking sounds, and they knew I was awake!

Yall, i just don't see how people can do it. I've been fucking and someone walked in... or I've made out with someone else in the room.. but for me to start fucking knowing someone's across the room and may or may not be trying to go to sleep? Disrespectful. Not only to the person, but to my partner as well. Sex to me is a very intimate act and even when I had that one-night stand? (dont judge me.. lol) I respected her enough not to fuck her while my roommate was in the room..

AND then, the nigga just left? I mean, you gon fuck me and not sleep with me? (he lives right across the hall) I'm so not able. I don't know why women enjoy disrespect so much, hell.. maybe they don't recognize it?

Sometimes I think I should just lower my standards and be disrespected by a man or disrespect a woman for the sake of not being lonely? But it ain't worth it....  I try to be disrespectful ladies, I really do... but I just can't.. and men.... I love the dick but I can't take the disrespect that comes with it. Yall easier to manipulate tho, so... right now, yall winning the race...

Not that I'm involved right now..

A very interesting insightful perspective comes when you're non-romantic. This diet is interesting, my eyes are opening. Message!

Song of the Day:. "Emotional Rollercoaster" -Vivian Green

-C

Cultural Anthropology.

Hey yall, this wind is no joke.... I almost had to hold on to a pole when I was waiting to cross the street today. LOL

Anywho, this semesters coming to an end, classes are over but I still got a lotta work to do. Well, not a lot.. just shit I don't wanna do. Got my music book open now... I don't like it cause makes it seem like white people invented music. Where the hell yal think yall got a drum from? France?.. No, Africa, nigga. You ain't foolin' me.

Went to a house party Monday night. I had wayy too much fun. I might just become a cultural anthropologist (not) because people are so fun to watch. Alcohol makes everyone nicer. Yes, I'm that guy that professes my love when I've had a few... I danced with menz I wouldn't look at twice if sober. But hey, it was a stress reliever. Even though I'm on a no-woman diet, there's a girl.. well woman that was there that i'd totally try to get at.... "Reached for a hand shake gotta hug..." and was too excited. I got the tea on her and its a go... IF I wanted to.. Don't think I am..... should I? NNNAAWWW...

(Hypothetical) Question... Why do women do/say stuff in order to get a reaction? Dunno if this happens to you, but it happens to me. Now, if you know me... you know that I'm pretty laid back and even if I have a reaction in my head, it might not necessairly manifest its self. I don't want you to know that I'm spending that if any energy on you. People already think they too important to me anyway. I could take you or leave you. Promise. It just irks me because I feel like I'm being disrespected on purpose for a reaction... and my reactions aren't subtle... Like, I will smack a bitch and not lose any sleep or cuss you out in front of your momma... and then I'm wrong, right?

Speaking of... for the rest of 2009, i'm letting all fuckery slide.. but when 2010 comes around? I'm coming for you. My pimp hand needs a work out.

Aw, I gotta tell yall aobut a funny drunk-conversation I had with my brother "social-justice"... Evidently, I have a fetish for small men, men who are bald, men who wear bowties, and I like funny looking women... Facts about me you should take advantage of....

Aiight, I'm finishin' this chapter then continuing my lazy-ness... I'm so over this semester.

Last Thots:. People are Fake. White people in general are painfully unaware. This girl sitting accross from me is fyyyyyyyy... she keeps looking over here... and I'mma..... oh wait.. no-woman diet. right.

Song of the Day:. "Zion" Lauryn Hill

-C

Priority? Option?

Hey yall... now, there are people you just don't expect to hear wisdom from... But I got some via a damn facebook status... it says...

"Never make someone your priority while allowing yourself to be their option...."

I had to give it two snaps.. and  I never snap for stuff, yall.. LOL

Anywho, heard a good Word at the church-house. Every time I go I'm reminded of who I am and why I'm here. I always get some type of healing and wisdom when I go. It just goes to show how vast His glory is. Every time I go I get something? And I know there's more? Touch your neighbor and say. "Wow!"

Listening to some slow jams yall, I hung with my cousin all day today. You don't chose ya family.. lol... but you do chose your friends.. And mi primo? Is one of my best friends. Shout-Outs to him for feeding me and letting me do laundry at his crib...

I'm truly thankful for the new friend I've made. We both have a mutual love for writing and the Spanish language. Last night I talked to her so freely about some things I haven't been able to get off my chest and vice versa. I really appreciate when someone just LISTENS ya know? She told me I was complicated... I told her I was simple. LOL. She's a real genuine person. Matta fact, wonder what she doin...

Anywho, I ain't got too much to talk about, just came to write some thoughts and clear my head before round 3 of studying that may or may not happen. Got an Anthropology, History, and Spanish exam to Go HAM! on tomorrow.... try me if you want, be prepared for an #EPICFAIL!

Alright yall, talkin to a cute boy...

Song of the Day:. "I Wanna Know" Joe.. "I wish that I could take a journey to your mind... and find emotions that you always try to hide..."

-C

#ThugLife

I don't do it much, last night I lived the college life. LOL

Went to what the call The Black Women's Appreciation Dinner on the yard last night. The brothas did a GREAT job, I can't wait till its our turn. I danced with a real nice guy and of course my embarassing ass friends took pictures...

Now, of course last night I was dressed up, and everyone was so surprised. I'm like, dag? Do I be looking like a thug on campus for real.. and did yall expect me to come thuggin' last night to a dinner? Puh-lease, I do everything in life HARD. I thug HARD and I dress up HARD.

"Look at this pea coat, tell me she broke..."

Oh yea... yall I walked straight into a trap earlier. It was kinda funny. This girl text me and was like "what you doing tonight?" why'd my dumbass say "nothin.." then she was like "you should chill with me..." my ass try to backtrack and say "Uhh.. i gotta lotta studying to do.." which isn't totally untrue.. I just can't have custody of THAT anymore.

So, none of my teams won today.... UK, E. Carolina and in a minute, Alabama gonna win... Ugh. LOL

Song of the Day:. "I'll Trust You" James Fortune. <-- just discovered it today.. beautiful song.

-C

The Real Thing.

So, I usually don't blog mid-day. But I got shit to do and this is the only free hour I have till prolly around 11pm tonight. Well naw, me and "Slim" havin movie night at the crib... So hopefully I won't be free at all. LOL

Yall, I miss the real thing.

We live in a world of myspace, facebook, twitter, text messaging, blogging... Which are all things I'm an avid user of.. (Accept myspace) but I feel like I'm missing someone's VOICE. I mean, I don't talk to some of my best friends face to face AT ALL. I'm a visual person... and non-verbal communication is something thats very important to me. I miss it when all I get is a text, an e-mail or a fbook message. I think they might just be handicapping us.. Its VERY hard for me to express my feelings when I'm face to face with someone. Rather easy if I'm sending an e-mail. But I feel like I'm punking out when I do that.. and vice versa. I wanna hear ya voice.

I was talking to my friend last night on the fone about this. Her and I be tweetin' each other HARD. Finally hearing her voice on the fone? Was very refreshing. She was feelin' where I was coming from. She said we're both just getting older. I ain't wanna hear that shit.. LOL. But its true. I'll always be a big texter and I'm havin' a love affair with twitter... but I'mma make an effort to talk atleast on the phone more and face to face with my friends and frenemies. I mean, people have NO conversation skills these days. I try to spark up a conversation and people lightweight have an anxiety attack on that ass... and I think I am pretty quiet when I'm just chillin' with my friends.. cause I just like watching and listening to people's conversations.. so maybe thats why... ?

Alright, I got a study session and what not to go to. But first... FOOD.

Song of the Day:. "Holy Ghost Power" Chicago Mass Choir.... That REAL gospel.

-C

Proper Perspective

Whats up yall? I had a blast on my birthday. I'm so very blessed to have friends that made it a mission to make sure I was happy and having fun. They took me to a Mexican restraunt down the street then some sexi hombres sang feliz de cumpleanos to me! After that I drank mass amounts of bull frogs and did some other illegal activities. Good times with good people, my homie "social-justice" came through after work.. I really appreciated it. This was the best birthday I've had in yearsss and I'm not done celebratin'! Just gotta wait till finals is over and shit... I even got kissed by this girl that I been crushin' on... TWICE! Yea, I broke my no woman, no alcohol, no weed diet last night. It was my birthday, fuck yall. I'm back on it.

So, I'm really tryna stay on my grind for my finals and shit... I got like 4 places to be at once tomorrow. I'm kinda stressed, and I can tell cause my body is sore, my nerves are jumping again and my cough is coming back..... I be so glad when this semster is over. If my locs wasn't so cock-disel.. lol, they'd be pulled straight the fuck OUT!

My ex from a couple of semesters ago wished me a happy birthday. Her and I haven't talked in a year... and I like it that way..  She been textin' our mutual friend sayin' she thinks about me and stuff. I'm flattered but so not interested. She's drama and I ain't on it. I can tell I'm over her, cause I don't even dislike her.. I just have no feelings at all. Its weird.

I hate to feel that way about people but.... Idk it just happens... I can't control it, when I'm done, I'm done... and I don't want it to be that way.. but its like my body is like "Ok... expiration date is up on ya feelings for this person.. lets move on.." I guess thats fine.. Just gotta make room, I suppose...

Anywho, you ever feel a certain way and logic (and other people) tell you that you have no right to feel that way? My mother says there are no wrong emotions, but its still a battle.... and I know my feelings are important but I don't cater to them enough. I'm trying to do better, for example, I know that I have to tell people when they say stuff that makes me uncomfortable but I just feel like if its based on feelings, its not valid or important or something... I wanna tell people how I feel, I think... but I don't want to look weak.. and thats exactly how I think I look when I start talking about my feelings...

The last girl I dated (that jumped stupid last week) would get so frustrated with me. She was mad because I wouldn't just tell her my feelings, she had to ask. I tell people, I don't volunteer information about myself, and maybe thats not fair... but I cant wear my heart on my sleeve. I wanna appear strong, hell I AM strong. I wanna be the therapist like I been doin, but right now I feel like maybe I need to sit on somebody's brown couch.... how much yall charge? I got insurance! LOL

I'm fine tho. I'm happy. I recognize that its all just a learning experience... and I thank Yaweh for a Devine Proper Perspective.... I'm in a lil pain about stuff and I don't know exactly how to deal with it. This may sound weird but I'm embracing the pain.. it helps to be able to identify the feeling and the reason.. then you can look at it, ya know..?

 I've learned that time heals everything. Literally 8 days ago I was sittin in a parking lot crying my eyes out listening to Anthony Hamilton ("The Point of it All), now that same song comes on? And I'm fine...  maybe healing just takes a little longer the older you get. OMG, I'm 20!

Song of the Day:. "Harvest Song" Anthony Brown

-C

Go shawty.. Its my berfday!

Go Shawty.. its my berfday!

I've been here for 20 years, 23039 Months, 100182 Weeks, and 701279 days!

Yall, all this birthday love has me feelin' tender. The little one sang Happy Birthday to me last night. Then she told me she loved me. When them little arms wrapped around my neck? I almost started crying... LOL. Yall know Carrie loves the kids..

I guess I'm supposed to reflect on my life and what not... One Thursday in 1989, I came out of my mommy... lol... I'm told I already had a full head of hair, and that I slept through the nite.. What baby does that?! I was a child that liked to read... Embarassing. I LOVED the Rugrats...

I might do a biography tomorrow. I'm tryna figure out where the psycho came in. LOL... This has been the best birthday I've had in years, yo! Ok, I apologize but I'm a little intoxicated and I'm waiting on my 'lunch' to get here. Its only 8:30 and I've ate tacos and pizza today. So I need to go slow cause I shall blow chunks and I don't want a repeat of last time.... My hangover was all over Sonic's Drive thru..

Ok.. so my friends are mad cause I'm ignoring them. Hey... I like writing more than I like them. So what. LOL

Song of the Day: "Birthday Anthem"

-C