I won't lie... last night I got fuuckkkked up.
When I say I got fucked? I mean that I drank AND smoked me a dubee... By the time I got to the club? I was feeling niiiiice... We pre-gamed at my crib. 3 of my friends and my roomie started listening to Boys II Men songs, yall... End of the Road came on, everyone was in they own little world with they drink in they hand. It was a potentially dangerous situation. LOL, but we had just rolled the blunt so we had things on our agenda...
I wont front, I miss my baby... But I'm ok. Real Talk.
Anywho, we went to the infamous gay club in my city. I like going because its mostly gay white men so I gets no attention. LOL, well, not romantic attention. ((There's the ocassional one that likes kissing black girls but since I was drunk I was more than happy to oblige..)) I was happy to see some brown faces 'round 2am. There's a big population of pretty black gay men that work on my campus. They were too cute and I love dancing with them... I like a boy that will bend over.. ha!
Also, I peeped the drag show. I dont think I've told yall this but I LOVE Drag Queens. ((Sometimes they have me questioning my sexuality...)) I just think that its such a beautiful art form... A big ole butch man turning into something that glamorous and feminine? It takes work. A good friend of mine does drag and when he first got started, I helped him get dressed when we'd go out. Its HARD work.
There's a drag show on my campus every year. I'm contemplating getting in drag (as a female) just that ONCE... I already know what she'll look like and everything... her name is Karma Star... yall aint ready ;)
Church, today I'm going to START talking about gender.
My thing is, are the traditional gender roles we play mostly biological or social?
I'm not sure. There are things about men and women that seem to be a part of our genetic make-up. Women are nurturing. Men can separate their feelings from their thoughts. Women can't. (LOL, sorry I love you tho..) But what about when it comes to how we treat people, how we see things, our strengths or something as simple as how we like to do our hair or the way we dress?
Ya know, this is a hard topic for me to try to tackle, so I'm going to start off talking about my damn self. I believe that gender and sexuality go hand in hand but at times in the LGBT world, I think they're too connected. Some people don't know what their gender identity is, thats NOT an issue with sexuality. If you don't know your gender identity, to me you lightweight can't have sexual desires because that's a big part of what defines our sexuality... knowing exactly what we are and more importantly what we're not so we know what (who) will compliments us.
I'm sexually attracted to men and women. ((For the sake of this conversation, I'm not going to consider the realtionship aspect a whole lot.. a nigga can't fuck up her credibility.. LOL) for me, I think that has alot to do with my view of my own gender. I know I'm a woman and I'm ok with that. But there are things about me that are very masculine; from the physical aspect as well as my personality and I had very little male influence coming up compared to female so I really don't know why.... my mother raised me, she has 2 sisters, I spent a lot of time with both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother and I'm very close to one of my female cousins in particular but I kind of always felt that was because I felt kind of different from them, ya know?
I love women, no doubt about it but when I'm around them in a less than romantic aspect, I always feel like I'm an outsider. But its not a bad thing... I just feel less emotional, less feminine and wayy more laid back than them. Likewise, when i'm around my female friends that are more masculine than me, I feel that I fit in real well... I think I feel the most feminine when I'm around guys, that always makes me say to myself "Nigga, you aint a man forreal, these fools are nasty.. " lol...
So when it comes to that black and white aspect? I dwell in the grey area.. and thats the one time that I'm grey.. I'm always one extreme or the other with everything else..
But I'm young, I'm mature for my age, but I'm still a kid. I'm discovering what I want in the long term and exactly who I am and what I'm comfortable doing. I like to think that I'm a chameleon of sorts. I can be one of the girls or one of the boys if needed, but I'm ALWAYS being myself.
I'mma wrap it up right here for part 2, I'mma talk about how society affects how we react to our gender and sexuality.
AND speaking of grey! Did I tell yall my left eye lash was turning grey! I have long giraffe eye lashes yall and this big grey one is just sticking out! The hairs keep turning to... Its always a mofo responsible for the start of your greying process.. I know who mine is. I won't say any names or point any elbows.. I will say that she got a nice ass tho... yall shoulda seen me lookin yesterday when she was walking in front of me!
Even tho yall don't comment, yall just tweet, text or message me about my blog, I really apprecitate everyone whose reading and thinking! Shout-Outs to my 3 favorite readers! Shawn, Cheeks and Q!
Song of the Day:. "Lions & Tigers & Bears" J. SULLY! Whoooooooo!