So... are you a stud or a femme? [Part 3] & The transparent closet.

I'd like to apologize for that last emo, lite-weight suicidal entry.. BUT..

I don't apologize.

I'm feeling much better today. Still a bit burdened, but God ain't gonna put it on me if I can't take it.

The event I referred to yesterday was E. Patrick Johnson's one man show called "Pouring Tea: Black Gay Men of the South Tell Their Tales".. It was great. I got to spend some time with him and I felt so humbled to get the opportunity. Yall gotta check out his book called "Sweet Tea". I'll post a link and vid later.

I got this opportunity because I'm on the eBoard of a new group on my campus that's goal is to empower black LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans) people. I've realized that this movemment is wayy bigger than me. We didn't even realize how much it was needed and we really didn't realize how much it was wanted. I'm so proud, so humbled to be an advocate for brown girls and boys like me.

My mother didn't really know what it was. See, she knows about my sexuality but after I told her, we never talked about it again and she's kind of in denial about it, I think. She knows that I have a LOT of gay friends, frequent gay clubs but I think she hopes that I'm just a fag hag. LOL I kind of want to tell her that I really am gay now, cause I was 14 when I told her and maybe she thinks it could've been a phase.

But at the same time, my mom's not stupid. She met Heartbreaker a couple of weeks ago (BIG deal, cause no woman has EVER met my mother if she didn't kno her previously) and we was both blushin' and smilin' and shit and she keeps asking questions about her so she's probably tryna work it in. You know how black women are, they never ask directly at first then just hit your ass. I'm ready and I'mma tell her the truth. I've lied about other girls. But not this time for many reasons.

I also have a cousin that I'm real close to that I haven't told. I've always wondered about her myself, but she's always talking about guys. That could be a cover-up. I want to tell her, because one I think she'd be cool about it.. and two if she is then she might feel more comfortable in her skin, she's older than me but I've always had the influence over those in my generation 'cause I'm the wild child.. lol. So, I've been trying to tell her for the past couple of nights... I'm mad nervous yall.

Here I am tryna be an advocate and skerred about tellin' my mommy and my cousin. LOL

New Subject.. Kind of.

So yesterday the eBoard kinda had to get spiffy right? I had on some heels and my friends girl (the same girl that had an issue with my french pedi) had a problem with my heels! Idk why she wants me to be a 'stud' so bad. I think its because she's attracted to me and she stuck in that stud/femme bullshit and she ain't never liked anyone liteweight feminine? Cause a nigga is feminine BUT I still have that swag and if she wasn't my friends girl? and I spit game? Bet I could get her.

I talk like this cause I can back it up. LOL

I'm listenin to Jill Scott.. (making my lady's playlist.. she always tryna get me for my scarves, chapstick, gum and music).. She so nasty. Yall gotta listen to Jill's words. In her song Epiphany? She saying that she don't mind it from the back.. LOL

Love it.

Song of the Day:. "Crown Royal" Jill Scott.

I'm not done with the Interracial issue. We'll come back to it, Church. Put a pen in it.

I miss my small Heartbreaker :(

-C