Identity

I rarely name an entry before I write it.. But I already have the name for this one.

Identity.

In my short time on earth, I've always liked to think I knew who the fuck I was better than my peers. People my age have always seemed so goofy to me. Always. As early as kindergarten... I didnt understand what the fuck was so hard about letters... LOL

Since I've been to college and gotten involved in some thangs, I've realized that identity problems aren't necessairly (sp?) how we see ourselves.. but its how other people perceive us.

Society.

Its so hard to be who you are when society gives a totally different image of your prototype. People like to put you in a group, in a safe little jar in a specific cabinet.

Just beause I'm a black woman, I must have to have an attitude all the time.
Just because I'm a female I gotta wear heels.
Just because I'm gay, I have to like every single girl I see... basic bitch or not.

Yall, I've never fit in ANYWHERE and its hard when everyone else seems to. Its human nature to want to have a group you belong to right?

This entry's a long time coming... I've been thinking about this for awhile..

I'm apart of alot of different groups on campus.. The 3 categories of groups?

The black folk
The church folk
The gay folk

and I'm find myself frustrated with all 3...

The black folk dont start on time.
The church folk do EVERYTHING but what they supposed to be doing.
The gay folk... all they do is talk about what sex position they like..

You'd think I'd quit everything? I don't think thats the solution, cause if I quit, then I won't have a chance to change it. Everyone would still be doing basic-bitch shit.. If I believed these people were basic-bitches.. I really wouldn't be sitting through all these meetings.. I just believe our actions are a little misguided.. Even mine.

I think this entry really sucks.. LOL... Its so scattered...

But anyway.. I say all this because at times its hard to be who I am when I'm not always down for what the crowd is doing. I'm gay, but I dont feel the need to come out of the closet to everybody. I'm in a position on campus where everyone pretty much knows.. I ain't mad about it.. I just dont want everyone up in mine. Sometimes I wanna get a boyfriend for surface-normalcy (and the D).

Also, people wear they sexualities on their sleeves and think that just because they where rainbow belts and hold hands with their partner on campus that they're working towards some liberation. I think its bullshit and I dont wanna be associated with them... but there goes them categories again..

I'm black, but I think Rage Against the Machine is one of the best bands ever.. I like skateboarding (shh.. dont tell nobody.. lol) and sushi. But some of my black friends would look at me like 'nigga what'?

I'm Christian and I love God whole-heartedly. But I'm not going to be quoting scripture every 5 minutes and having everyone in hell...

Whooo...

I just wanna be myself.. But myself is some1 a whole bunch of ignant mothafuckas gotta problem with..

I'm not exactly sure where to end this entry.. or what I'm trying to accomplish.. LOL

Anywho, I get much respect for being me. I've met some cool people who were like me and didn
t necessairly fit into the black and white areas that society tries to conform us to. Being Carrie, C. Willy and Lil C is a FULL time job. I refuse to be anything else. It just gets hard sometimes..

"You know its hard out here for a pimp..." lol

I think the next entry will be more organized?

-Lil C