When it hurts so bad...

Hey Yall...

I like to think my feelings are pretty strong. But they are hurt right now. I can't go into too many details... I just wish that she wouldn't only fuck with me when she wants something. Its confusing. My feelings for her are way stronger than hers for me, I realize that. But damn, I feel like a puppy waiting for scraps from the dinner table. The hardest thing to do to her is say no.. but I will if it minimalizes the hurt I feel when I get ignored 'cause she doesn't need me anymore.

I'm sorry for the emo entry, yall. I do it so I can read it and one, be humble and two, learn.

Shout outs to the beautiful ladies of Zeta Phi Beta for inviting me to be on their panel tonight. We discussed 'being black and gay' the questions were cute. This was a big step for me in my sexuality, yall. I don't discuss it personally 'specially on campus with these niggas. I think it was a good discussion, too. And you KNOW I got some numbers ;)

I may be heartbroken? But I still got it!

Alright, let me get on this laundry and this game spittin'.

song of the day:. "When it Hurts so Bad" -Lauryn Hill

-C

Living in a Gay world.

Because of my sexuality, I've realized that its not safe to say that "Heterosexual" is the standard. I mean that sexual lines and gender roles aren't black and white... and 'straight' people do a lotta stuff that is real gay to me. Call me stereotypical or whatever.. but I'm only going by personal experiences.

I was singing at a concert Sunday before last and a young man did some miming to a song, I forget which one. But I was sitting there looking at him like 'damn this looks familiar'. Then it hit me, this is a LOT like drag. Black people especially do a lot of gay shit and try to put a gospel spin on it then its 'ok'.

Then, just now I was looking at this guy's pics on fbook. He's greek.. and that seems REAL homo to me. A bunch of niggas standing around touching each other? Now, sororities aren't gay to me for whatever reason... but Frats are real homo to me, especially when they stroll... If you so straight, why put ya dick that close to another nigga's ass? I mean, its fine with me.. lol.. But it ain't 'straight' either..

Let me put a disclaimer on this... this may sound like being gay or 'homo' is something negative.. Its not, I'm just saying especially in black culture, there's a lot of stuff that is homosexual but at the same time in some places the gays are discriminated against when they contribute a lot to the culture.

I'm thinking about black and gay issues cause I've been asked to be on a panel (by some Greeks) on what it means to be black and gay in America. Frankly, I just be tryna live my life... I'm cool with being a guinea pig tho. I just want people to learn that I'm just like everyone else. I don't wanna be viewed as an outsider just because I might happen to kiss a girl. Especially, when I'm not alone in that boat ;)

alright, let me work on this powerpoint. More to come later. I appreciate my readers whole-heartedly.. As soon as I get my software together, I'mma do more blogs in the form of videos.

Song of the Day:. "You Are Not Alone" MJ

-C

STILL not letting things Slide..

Hey.

So yall know how I said I wasn't going to let things slide in the 2010? Well, its working out well, but then again not so well... and I just realized how serious it was when I expressed to my own mother how I was feeling about some shit and I get a "Well, I'm going to bed..." There's not a woman in this world I love more than my mother, but frankly I don't give two fucks if she's feeling some type of way. To me, that just validate the fact that I was right. She's been taking out the fact that my brother's a fuck up on me, and I told her and she pulled the 'feeling overwhelmed' card. I can't be worried about it.

Me not letting things slide caused me to have to move out of humble abode into another one... I'll be a bit respectful and not say why.. Won't happen often tho... Also, my cousin's sister won't speak to me AT ALL. Her immature ass had my cousin worried 'cause he hadn't heard from her then sent me a text.. I kindly told her not to text me until she got in touch with her brother.. Right is Right. Wrong ain't. We all went to the movies Saturday, she didn't say one word to me. Another example of age being no indication of maturity.

Told the young lady that I was 'talking to' that she wasn't offering me anything I wanted to be a part of so I didn't see why she was making me out to be the 'bad guy' when I said I just wanted to be friends. Women should stop putting themselves on such a pedestal and look in the mirror. I understand wholeheartedly why someone wouldn't want to be with me... but she can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be with an immature, dramatic, sociopath... o_O... Another indication that I'm too insensitive to be romantic with women. Hell, I didn't answer husband's fone call today and he ain't even trip, he was like 'oh, just wanted to see how you were doing..' I was liteweight confused yall.. EVERY woman in my life catches an attitude when I don't answer the phone (a bill that she doesn't pay..)

Husband was checking on me because I was super sick yesterday yall.... I was tossing my cookies all afternoon! Maybe it was something I ate, my medicine, stress, a virus.. I'm not sure yall... But I had to carry everything to God in prayer! LOL... I'm better now, still a bit weak.. Not really wanting to eat or anything but I be iight. Of all the weeks for me to get sick, this definitely ain't the one! I have paper due, test to study for, campaign work to do.. This snow and sickness needs to really get outta my way. I won't be hindered!

Anywho, Off to bed... Peace to the memory of my Aunt "stelle"...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" -Lauryn Hill

-THEE KIDD