When it hurts so bad...

Hey Yall...

I like to think my feelings are pretty strong. But they are hurt right now. I can't go into too many details... I just wish that she wouldn't only fuck with me when she wants something. Its confusing. My feelings for her are way stronger than hers for me, I realize that. But damn, I feel like a puppy waiting for scraps from the dinner table. The hardest thing to do to her is say no.. but I will if it minimalizes the hurt I feel when I get ignored 'cause she doesn't need me anymore.

I'm sorry for the emo entry, yall. I do it so I can read it and one, be humble and two, learn.

Shout outs to the beautiful ladies of Zeta Phi Beta for inviting me to be on their panel tonight. We discussed 'being black and gay' the questions were cute. This was a big step for me in my sexuality, yall. I don't discuss it personally 'specially on campus with these niggas. I think it was a good discussion, too. And you KNOW I got some numbers ;)

I may be heartbroken? But I still got it!

Alright, let me get on this laundry and this game spittin'.

song of the day:. "When it Hurts so Bad" -Lauryn Hill

-C

Living in a Gay world.

Because of my sexuality, I've realized that its not safe to say that "Heterosexual" is the standard. I mean that sexual lines and gender roles aren't black and white... and 'straight' people do a lotta stuff that is real gay to me. Call me stereotypical or whatever.. but I'm only going by personal experiences.

I was singing at a concert Sunday before last and a young man did some miming to a song, I forget which one. But I was sitting there looking at him like 'damn this looks familiar'. Then it hit me, this is a LOT like drag. Black people especially do a lot of gay shit and try to put a gospel spin on it then its 'ok'.

Then, just now I was looking at this guy's pics on fbook. He's greek.. and that seems REAL homo to me. A bunch of niggas standing around touching each other? Now, sororities aren't gay to me for whatever reason... but Frats are real homo to me, especially when they stroll... If you so straight, why put ya dick that close to another nigga's ass? I mean, its fine with me.. lol.. But it ain't 'straight' either..

Let me put a disclaimer on this... this may sound like being gay or 'homo' is something negative.. Its not, I'm just saying especially in black culture, there's a lot of stuff that is homosexual but at the same time in some places the gays are discriminated against when they contribute a lot to the culture.

I'm thinking about black and gay issues cause I've been asked to be on a panel (by some Greeks) on what it means to be black and gay in America. Frankly, I just be tryna live my life... I'm cool with being a guinea pig tho. I just want people to learn that I'm just like everyone else. I don't wanna be viewed as an outsider just because I might happen to kiss a girl. Especially, when I'm not alone in that boat ;)

alright, let me work on this powerpoint. More to come later. I appreciate my readers whole-heartedly.. As soon as I get my software together, I'mma do more blogs in the form of videos.

Song of the Day:. "You Are Not Alone" MJ

-C

STILL not letting things Slide..

Hey.

So yall know how I said I wasn't going to let things slide in the 2010? Well, its working out well, but then again not so well... and I just realized how serious it was when I expressed to my own mother how I was feeling about some shit and I get a "Well, I'm going to bed..." There's not a woman in this world I love more than my mother, but frankly I don't give two fucks if she's feeling some type of way. To me, that just validate the fact that I was right. She's been taking out the fact that my brother's a fuck up on me, and I told her and she pulled the 'feeling overwhelmed' card. I can't be worried about it.

Me not letting things slide caused me to have to move out of humble abode into another one... I'll be a bit respectful and not say why.. Won't happen often tho... Also, my cousin's sister won't speak to me AT ALL. Her immature ass had my cousin worried 'cause he hadn't heard from her then sent me a text.. I kindly told her not to text me until she got in touch with her brother.. Right is Right. Wrong ain't. We all went to the movies Saturday, she didn't say one word to me. Another example of age being no indication of maturity.

Told the young lady that I was 'talking to' that she wasn't offering me anything I wanted to be a part of so I didn't see why she was making me out to be the 'bad guy' when I said I just wanted to be friends. Women should stop putting themselves on such a pedestal and look in the mirror. I understand wholeheartedly why someone wouldn't want to be with me... but she can't understand why someone wouldn't want to be with an immature, dramatic, sociopath... o_O... Another indication that I'm too insensitive to be romantic with women. Hell, I didn't answer husband's fone call today and he ain't even trip, he was like 'oh, just wanted to see how you were doing..' I was liteweight confused yall.. EVERY woman in my life catches an attitude when I don't answer the phone (a bill that she doesn't pay..)

Husband was checking on me because I was super sick yesterday yall.... I was tossing my cookies all afternoon! Maybe it was something I ate, my medicine, stress, a virus.. I'm not sure yall... But I had to carry everything to God in prayer! LOL... I'm better now, still a bit weak.. Not really wanting to eat or anything but I be iight. Of all the weeks for me to get sick, this definitely ain't the one! I have paper due, test to study for, campaign work to do.. This snow and sickness needs to really get outta my way. I won't be hindered!

Anywho, Off to bed... Peace to the memory of my Aunt "stelle"...

Song of the Day:. "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" -Lauryn Hill

-THEE KIDD

Tyler Perry on Black in America..

So, I'm watching Black in America on CNN. I knew a little of Tyler Perry's story.. but they went in depth, yall I'm feeling all inspired. Now, a lot of people criticize his Madea character, but I think that we should only criticize when that image of Madea becomes un-true. There's no doubt I find Madea so funny because I've seen her in the women in my life as I was growing up and today. He didn't make Madea up, he's just going by his experience. We'd be talking bad about him if all he portrayed was burgeious negros.. He portrays both. I think he does a GREAT job of representing 'us'.. Why Did I Get Married? is def on the top 10 of my great movies list.

There are so few of us represented in the media that we should be VERY careful who we criticize, when and where. I'm not saying that we should just accept any black person on TV, because there IS fuckery out there... (shout outs to the Wayans brothers and Frankie and Neffie) but I don't think Tyler contributes to the fuckery. Frankly, he's the last person we should be worried about, lets get on these rappers and singers, please if we want to criticize....

Not to mention, we're only contributing to the double standard of being 'properly represented' if we're so diverse as a culture, one man can't represent us properly anyway right?

Anywho..

How rude of me for not offering greetings before I jumped on my soap box? Hello, Hope all is well in ya life..

The weekend was pretty cool, got to sing with the choir twice. My voice is very tired and mad respect for those who make a career out of singing. Speaking of, I met Vanessa Bell Armstrong today.. She had on a badddddd mink coat, yall.

Depending on the amount of snow we get, I have a busy week ahead. I'm just working on finding that balance to stay busy enough to not have time to be depressed, and not kill myself. Right now, I'm doing tooooo much!

Alrighty, watching my boo on CNN I'm distracted...

Song of the Day:. "Irreplaceable" Beyonce.. "you must not know bout me!"

-C

Frustration and Sexuality.

Whats up, yall?

I feel so... different, lately. It might have to do with the fact that I haven't been to therapy this year so I really haven't gotten to talk my feelings out.. but I don't enjoy that and I'm really not sure what I'm holding back. I often find myself saying "I'm so damn frustrated." My mother told me its because I'm involved in too much stuff, something I've heard before. Hers is an opinion I'm very tired of hearing, but I always take seriously. She's right. She told me to take it down a level, and I might just have to do that.

Frankly, I am a part of too many organizations on campus. Too many organizations that aren't really doing SHIT. Call me what you want, I'm a big deal and I'm tired of being apart of stuff that's mediocre. I think thats part of my frustration. I'm passionate about everything I do and I hate to see so much potential going to waste because of egos. I'm sure my ego is bigger, and I get shit done.

I ain't smoked or drank anything since I got back from Dallas.. Operation: detox is about to get failed. I enjoy the finer things in life. Yes... cheap wine is a finer thang to me ;)

Now, between me and you... I find myself not being attracted to women lately.. and being VERY attracted to men... by no means do I think I'm 'turning straight'... but I'm a firm believer that sexuality is on a continuum... It was hard for me to come to this of course because of society... but right now, women just aren't doing it for me...  and thats fine.. I've been praying for less stress in my life, God has his way of answering. I'm listening <3.

tomorrow I might be a lesbian, don't judge me.

Song of the Day:. "Anytime" Brian McKnight.

-C

Facebook Fuckery

Hello children...

Social networking sites (facebook, twitter) have really changed the way we communicate. Frankly, I'm fed up. Now, since I'm away from home and have friends and family everywhere, facebook is the way I stay connected to my folks.. so I don't really want to stop using it all together... but some of my 'friends' and 'followers' really abuse the privilege of being connected to me virtually.

FOR EXAMPLE...

I put up controversial statuses sometimes, people get wayy too emotional. I don't want the people who 'like' my status to have 54 notifications because two people decide to duke it out via my status comments..

OR.. I put up a status and get text messages about it.. like we're having a conversation.. No, if you have something to say about my status, comment on it like the rest of my fans... OR if I put up song lyrics, God forbid I might just be listening to the song... if you have to ASK if its about you, its not ;)

Requesting MY friends. I HATE when I see two people become friends and the ONLY reason they have a connection is because of me. I feel liteweight violated... and I don't want my friends to be exposed to the socially retarded people that are in my life. Makes me look bad. Why request someone you've never laid eyes on anyway?

Lets see what else..

OH!! All these apps! Farmville, Sorority Life, Mafia Wars, Cafe... And it be GROWN ASS PEOPLE with JOBS playing these games...

Events, groups, fan pages, messages... Leave me alone.

So.. Yea, I just needed to rant a bit about the fuckery we know as facebook. I really want to delete a few people.. but that would cause unnecessary drama since I am friends/family members with said individuals..

There's more to talk about, but I'd like to lay down a bit before class.

Later

-C

200th and a year!!

This is a special day for my blog, yall. It's my 200th post and my one-year anniversary!!!

I feel like I should give an acceptance speech or dedicate this blog to someone, but i'm too selfish for that so... lets talk about my life..

Dallas was loads of fun. I learned a lot about the community and myself. I don't want to make anyone mad so I'll save my criticisms of the gay community for a rainy day, but trust. I do have plenty. About myself, I learned that regardless of where I go, I'm not going to fit in and in the words of my husband "and thats fine"... I just thought that since this was a Task Force conference I might find more people like me.. and I did. But in the grand scheme of things, I still feel like an outsider. I'm not mad about it, just had an epiphany.

I met some cool people. Shout-outs to them ;)

I also got to stay in the executive suite and I'm so mad I didn't steal one of those AMAZING bathrobes. I'd walk around in it all day if I could.

WHO DAT?! !?!!?!?  I'm super stoked that the Saints won! Nawlin's needed it.

iight. I have laundry and two tests this week. I can't be fuckin with yall all night.

Song of the Day:. "I find no fault in Him" -Fred Hammond

-C

White people are crazy.

Hello, I feel like its a minute since I've blogged... So lets see, what have I been up to?

Saturday I went to the Rocky Horror Picture show.. I don't get all the hype. The first time I went I was sober and fell asleep, this time I told my friends they had to get me drunk if they didn't want me to sit at home. They did. It was still wack.

Anywho, in my race class today we discussed Chris Matthew's comment. For those who don't know, he said "He forgot Obama was black for an hour" during his State of the Union. Now, this statement proved that white people will try to defend the most disrespectful remarks. I try not to get mad but come on yall, even if he didn't have bad intentions (which I seriously doubt) it offended a whole bunch of people. Some try to argue that Matthews was trying to say that Obama "transcended" race during his speech and for once wasn't our 'first black president' but 'our president'. It is awfully interesting that race didn't need to be transcended in the presidency until someone with a race became the president. Also, people need to realize that black people have always thought of the previous 43 presidents as 'white men'... and we know that if Obama was doing something white people didn't like, he would become the 'black president' again.

Yall ain't foolin' me. Not to mention he's as white as he is black.

But anywho, I'm going to Dallas in less than 24 hours and I need to pack. I'm super excited. I hope I'll have pictures and experiences to share.. and I also hope there are some I can't ;)

Song of the Day:. "I Wish I Wasn't" Heather Headley.
(all of my songs mean something..)

-C